the austin situation hasn’t truthfully been resolved in any way that i would deem acceptable. we’ve talked out a lot of things but it seems like nothing really adds any peace to the situation. he came over on wednesday to talk and we ended up having sex. imagine that? i’m so fucking stupid. i shouldn’t have even let him come over because i knew it would happen. i wanted it to, i wanted to feel like i still had some level of control and i really don’t.
i went on a weekend trip to the coast with my mom to watch the migratory ducks for my birthday. as lame as it sounds, i actually saw a lot of the species i wanted to see, which made me very happy. my dad didn’t tell me happy birthday, which made me very sad. i’m 24 now and you would think i wouldn’t care about someone telling me happy birthday but my dad is a soft spot for me. i tried to confide in austin about it but that didn’t give me any real comfort. he didn’t even text me back until the next morning and said he got tied up with his friends. no worries, just my fucking birthday. i don’t know why i consistently pick people that hurt me further, that fuck with the progress i’ve made. here i am, someone who prides herself as being independent, suddenly acting dependent on some stupid boy. ridiculous. i keep telling myself that i’m going to completely cut things off this week, but i’m worried that i’m not going to be strong enough to. in my defense, this is the first time i’ve opened up on this level in years. i was vulnerable and i hate the idea that it was all for nothing. is it really nothing if it helps me recognize how i don’t want to be treated? i don’t know. here i am, being whiny.
