a whole lotta world

this is a place for my thoughts and rants because keeping an actual journal is just too much work

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

07/29/2023

quick update: living a quiet life and connecting with the interests and pieces of myself i thought i lost. dev and broke up, i’ve been doing some traveling, spending time with folks old and new, and getting back into my work flow. after a very low period, i’m genuinely looking forward to seeing how the rest of the year plays out.

not sure if i will be updating this blog anymore, it doesn’t necessarily feel the same. i’m going to try to make the switch to physical journaling and see how that treats me.

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

04/28/2023

literally came home to a fight tonight and truly just want to come home from my conference and relax. me expressing my feelings shouldn’t be considered a problem. i’m exhausted. more details later.

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

04/23/2023

played the sims all day and did nothing else. good day.

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

04/22/2023

the weather was something today. i got up super early and went to volunteer at the 5k. the event was postponed because of thunderstorms so i got to hide out in the concessions stand for an hour. eventually, everything picked back up and got back on schedule. i got breakfast with lauren and came home and immediately passed out. i ended up taking two naps today, which is insane. feels like i’ve experienced two different days. wish i had more of an update but getting into the mundane activities of my life doesn’t seem like it’d be fun to read.

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

04/21/2023

work week is finally over or at least for the most part. i’m so fucking exhausted. i’m always sort of in a state of tiredness but this feels like a lot. its exhaustion i can’t do a lot about. its not like i can take a few days or even a slight break, its always something. tomorrow, that something takes the form of me working a 5k for people who could literally give two shits. it’s fine and it will be.

i cried at work today for the first time in a while because i got a slap on the wrist over some variables out of my control and my coworker walked in on it and started to mom me. it was over the art show last night, the one i worked my absolute ass off on. someone always has a critique. i wish i wasn’t such a people pleaser. i honestly wish i gave no shits like the people i’m volunteering for. i’m tired of caring. talk about real exhaustion.

and even though i’m so tired, somehow i’m awake and typing this. i’ve just finished rewatching an episode of normal people and gotten everyone else squared away. cats are fed, dog is cuddled up, and dev is playing video games. all is well and i’m finally laying down and it will all be okay.

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

04/18/2023

boy am i exhausted. set up all the exhibits for the art contest, worked on two crisis calls, and somehow made it out alive. which is so funny bc people at work are constantly worried that i’m drowning. i always try to stay positive but this week is testing me. treading water but definitely can’t touch the bottom…not drowning yet though!!

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

04/17/2023

what a monday. decided to be hyper productive in the face of passive aggressive coworkers and it made the day go quicker but i still hate having days where i feel like i can’t do anything right.

dev’s on a work trip for the week so i’ve cleaned, worked on homework, and knocked some serious shit off of my to-do list. i kind of miss living alone. i feel like life didn’t get in the way as much when it was just me. am i crazy?

also got a 100 on a paper i most definitely thought i would fail! and the professor shouted me out to the whole class!! so excited!! hoping for a good tuesday and rest of week.

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

04/14/2023

i’m so tired from this week. it was long and filled with a bunch of bleh. next week i have the art contest so i’ll have to curate over 400 pieces of student art. no pressure.

i’m planning a trip to iceland in my free time thought so thats something fun to look forward to. south korea is pretty much planned out for this summer so i figure might as well start looking at other plans for next summer. so far, i’ve planned a pretty barebones two week road trip around the ring road and hope to stay in a camper van. subject to change of course but i’d love to do it as cheap as possible.

counting the days til the end of the school year. wish me luck.

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

04/09/2023

easter holiday = long weekend and i couldn’t be more happy. i needed the break. went to church tonight with dev’s family in winston. still feel like organized religion is a scam. i get so tense around stuff like that, especially when the church looks like a fucking crate and barrel. other than that, it’s homework and working on the podcast. busy bee never stops, even when she’s on break.

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

03/30/2023

busy busy day but went quick. my intern came in and she is super cool. way too cool to be working ind my office but i’m really happy to have her. she’s like year younger than me and i wish i could add a position and hire her. she is just so fun and has a lot of potential.

aside from that, there were a few issues at work but everything was quickly resolved. i’m exhausted and am so happy tomorrow is friday. definitely need a beer.

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

03/27/2023

it is literally 1:23am and i just wrapped up this case study for class and i am exhausted. probably my own fault for procrastinating but i’m telling you, your body knows when something is gonna cause you pain. in this case, mental over physical.

had a great weekend though. got the grass mowed and cleaned out my dresser drawers. i wonder what it is that gives t-shirts that old t-shirt smell. you know what i’m talking about - like the clean but musky smell. god i love that. don’t love wearing it but love it as a smell. makes me nostalgic and gets me thinking about the last time i wore it. really dumb train of thought there but oh well.

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

03/26/2023

sorry for the lack of updates, hunkered down at work. spring is my busiest time because of the end of year planning, events, classes, etc.

let’s see…the last time i posted i was mulling over a new position. i didn’t take it, the money just wasn’t right to be going to and from greensboro. everything is all about timing though. i think i needed to know that somewhere else might want my skillset lol. i’ve gotten way more assertive in my role now, some might say aggressive but it is getting the job done and actually impressing those above me. aside from work, i’ve started my masters program. i passed my first 7-week course with a 99.87 which is kind of insane but not surprising because i’m kind of insane. devin made fun of me because every paper i wrote, i read aloud to him to catch any errors. he also said my papers sounded like a newspaper column which made me laugh because yes, my professional writing is great, but my thought dumping on here is nearly incoherent. i’m on my second class now and it is going okay. i don’t think i’m going to like it very much. the course topic is fine, but the instructor isn’t very personable like my first one. but its only 7 weeks so not the end of the world.

also i’m 26 now. i didn’t end up going to the outer banks for my birthday but chose to stay home and take a few days off of work. mostly because i needed to take a break but also because paying for course has had me pinching any possible penny. i cleaned the house, went through the attic, and tried to just clean up my life a little. i feel like i’m always so worried about work or other things that my living space kind of gets the shit end of the stick. don’t take that as i don’t clean because i do, i clean obsessively…its kind of how i cool down. but just as soon as i clean, i add clutter, typically the more i’m stressed. more clutter = more stress = more cleaning.

being 26 has been okay, not much different than 25. same stuff is happening. work is going well, friends are having babies or getting married, dev is still in the picture and fumbling the bag, trying new recipes, going to the gym, and trying to make sense of everything in between.

i’ll try not to leave this for so long next time.

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

01/30/2023

first month of the year gone. don’t know how that happened. thinking about taking some time off for my birthday to go to the outer banks and birdwatch. not a lot to update on. got a job offer in greensboro and not sure if i’m going to take it. i feel like i’m not ready to pack up here yet. plus, i’d either have to commute or sell the house and i don’t think i’m ready for all of that. not sure if it is what i need but also feel like i’m finding faults in the position before even investigating.

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

01/08/2023

do you ever get scared you’re not making the right choices? like there is a correct path and for the life of you, you keep getting stuck or thrown off course. now, i’m not doing anything crazy that would jeopardize my morals or physical safety at the moment, but maaaaan i have that feeling. i worry about settling, the big what if, the limbo. i’m scared. i’m fucking terrified.

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

01/0/2023

happy new year! starting this year strong by buying plane tickets and setting a workout regimen. technically i scooped the tickets on saturday, but i got the confirmation today! some friends and i are going to south korea in july so tickets are the first step and then securing all the visa information is next! i’m really excited and already started planning a basic itinerary. i asked dev if he wanted to go but he hesitated. i feel like he’s worried about money even though we’re backpacking. i can’t blame him though, plane tickets are a big expense. also having this feeling he doesn’t prioritize travel like i do (like he also said he wanted to do) and is also backsliding in our relationship. getting some weird vibes here lately but trying to not let the cart get ahead of the horse.

workout day 1 went well! busted my ass with cardio and pilates. tomorrow will more tan likely be the same. hoping to keep this up and drop some weight this year.

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

12/27/2022

today felt like a anime filler episode: quick, short, and full of side quests that don’t change the main storyline. on the bright side, i got a really cool entryway mat!

[bigthingshavesmallbeginnings]

12/26/2022

had a good holiday. put a new bathroom cabinet together and watched movies with my little brother. it is so good to have him home for christmas and new years. he works out of state so when he is here, we try to maximize it. went to see the new avatar movie and it was pretty interesting. just like i told everyone on letterboxd, what is it with james cameron and ships? this man loves some water. nevertheless, we had a good time. times like these really make me miss having him around.