#diary text

[fallenrustyangel]

Here we go with the Monday bluuues. Sigh. Getting another wave of grief today. Replaying conversations and memories in my head of him. Feeling like I'm not enough and like I let someone play me silly. Feeling shame for letting myself get back to that point again. Even tho I tried hard to mask what I actually felt while talking to him. I feel ashamed that he would believe everything abt me to be just another game. Maybe these feelings are just a sign of grief not for him but for myself and how I don't ever want to be with a man that makes me feel this way. Who plays games with my heart and isn't honest but makes me feel like it's all my fault. God my brain is fried trying to make sense of it. And I know there is no making sense of it but my brain is trying so hard and idk how to break this cycle. I wish my brain would just drop it.

[ateezartblog]

ᴵ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᵗᵒ ᵇᵉ ᵃ ᵖᵃʳᵗ ᵒᶠ ʸᵒᵘʳ ˡⁱᶠᵉ

ᵀᵒ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵒˢᵉ ˢᵖᵉᶜⁱᵃˡ ᵐᵒᵐᵉⁿᵗˢ ʷʰᵉʳᵉ ⁱᵗ’ˢ ʲᵘˢᵗ ᵘˢ

ᴼⁿˡʸ ʸᵒᵘ

ᴺᵒ ᵒⁿᵉ ᵉˡˢᵉ

ᵀᵒ ᶠᵒʳᵍᵉᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵃˢᵗ ᵃⁿᵈ ʲᵘˢᵗ ᵇᵉ ʷⁱᵗʰ ʸᵒᵘ

ᵂʰᵃᵗ ʰᵃᵖᵖᵉⁿᵉᵈ ᵇᵉᶠᵒʳᵉ ᵈᵒᵉˢⁿ’ᵗ ᵐᵃᵗᵗᵉʳ ⁿᵒʷ

ᴺᵒᵗ ᵗᵒ ᵐᵉ

ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ʷʰᵃᵗ ᴵ ʷᵃⁿᵗ , ʷʰᵒ ᴵ ʷᵃⁿᵗ

ᵀʰᵃᵗ ʷⁱˡˡ ⁿᵉᵛᵉʳ ᶜʰᵃⁿᵍᵉ

[fallenrustyangel]

Everything you ever wanted could be standing right in front of you but you won't take it all because you don't know what a healthy relationship even looks like and it's because you haven't done the internal work you need for it to be possible for you to even see the possibilities out of your cycle. To break the cycle you have to change. To get what you want you have to try something new. Do things differently, choose differently.

[fallenrustyangel]

Guys excuse my late night rants. If you can hang with my emotional mess your awesome and I love you but if it's not for you I get it please unfollow. I have no ragrets!! Lol weak moments of my grief peeking through at night.

[fallenrustyangel]

Men are such a huge disappointment please God's please send me a beautiful woman. That compliments me spoils me treats me like the princess that I am and loves whole heartedly. And i want to do the same for her. I want reciprocated deep love please.

[fallenrustyangel]

Like hell I'm gonna let someone ruin my excellent taste in music.

[fallenrustyangel]

Also I hope he never finds my Tumblr because I would die of embarrassment. Because I would never talk to him this way. Younger me would have ripped him a new one. But I'm no longer doing emotional labor like that for anyone anymore. You want to be slapped around and held accountable do it to yourself. I'd rather just be sad and mad in peace. And idk it's hard to be open with someone who isn't open with me. Who just deflects or projects and then runs away. It sucks because I find myself in this loop abt it. I don't need to talk to him. I don't need to uncover his true thoughts or feelings. Deep down I'm so hurt I'd rather not talk to him but I'm in this loop that feels like I need it and if I don't have him truly open and honest and communicative with me abt everything then I can't help or move on but I know it's just stubborn feeling I just don't know how to shake it. Maybe. I should go back to therapy.

[fallenrustyangel]

I also deleted all of our spicy texts and your pics. But they are seared into my brain and they randomly come to mind and make me melt all over again. I hate it. I wish I could control it. Because how fucken pathetic that I still think of you that way. You've probably already moved on to someone else or back to your ex. Ugh. I'm disgusted. Thank God I haven't checked on you though because it would kill me to see anything abt you.