May 8, 2020
Talk about overstimulation, my god. (2nd time) I came fucking everywhere, I literally yelled. 😂 Glad I was alone in the house. Great stress relief, though.
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Talk about overstimulation, my god. (2nd time) I came fucking everywhere, I literally yelled. 😂 Glad I was alone in the house. Great stress relief, though.
TW (probably just ignore this).
I felt really bad today. I still feel really bad. I relapsed, or I feel like I relapsed at least. I didn't cut this time. How do I put this -- I put my fingers in me for the sole purpose of harming myself and to make myself uncomfortable because I deserved it. I.did it twice and the second time I made myself bleed from it. And I know I deserved it. Not just for skipping my school work but just everything. I'm just. I guess it's not as good of a night as I thought it was. I wish I didn't have some many fucking problems. I'm beyond disgusting.
TW: Abuse (romantic relationship), venting.
Earlier I had a flashback of one of my boyfriends. I lost some time but it was under 20 minutes, I believe.
It was a few years ago, I was 8 or 9 and he was in his late teens. He wanted me to have a threesome with him and one of his friends, I said no, and he got very upset. He hit me once (maybe twice? it wasn't especially clear), and he took my clothes off and forced me out on the porch. I wasn't really sure what to do at the time - if I should just go home or wait for him to calm down, or what.
I don't remember what happened after that. I don't know what to do now, honestly. I don't know what triggered it or why I remembered that specifically but I want it to go back from where it came from. It's been a couple of hours since and I've been anxious since. I don't know how to make it stop. I wish I could sleep and never wake up.
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Suddenly, I am deaf sex repulsed.
So in school, this kid made fun of me for being transgender (non-binary) and liking men (AMAB) and was making sexual comments about me/my body.
He's about 15/16 and I'm not in a 2-year range of his age (younger). I had been really dysphoric all day, now I'm really dysphoric. So that's fun. Probably gonna jump off a bridge tonight.
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I'm so delirious. I turned the light on, laid back down and took a nap, woke up... Then got up to turn the light on...
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I find that I'm very sensitive when I'm sick. I don't think much of it, it can be good and bad; Sebastian certainly seems pleased with it, however..
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Fuck, I'm getting sick. Pretty much all of the rooms in my school are different temperatures. I knew my body wouldn't be able to handle it. It's a wonder how I didn't get sick before now.
I'm going to try to go to school though. I need to. I won't be able to handle the work load if I don't go.
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Мой первый урок танца был сегодня. Это было очень весело, и учитель был хорош.
Говоря о Себастьяне, после урока танцев мы начали ездить по проселочным дорогам. Мы оказались в задней части заброшенного кафе-мороженого и трахались в его машине. Я уснул, а когда проснулся, мы все еще были в машине. Когда мы вернулись домой, мы вместе лежали на диване и смотрели фильмы ужасов.
Несмотря на стресс школы ... я думаю, что сегодня был довольно хороший день ...