I'm hungry. And everything feels so infinite. My teeth are mixed up and my eyelashes are growing the wrong way. I'm so confused... You are endlessly confusing. I love your voice. It's just nice. A solid voice. I hate my voice and I wish I could take yours. Bla Bla Bla
- Diary Entry 2023
Very Cringy
I remember this quote from a blog long long time ago where her partner said non-verbatim "I would show you everyday that I am worthy of every ounce of your love, that you made the right decision of loving me."
That was a post by a single woman in her 20s. Now, they are married with two angels.
I know it happened a year ago and I should've at least gotten over it but with that experience it led me to a different path, the path of building walls again - afraid of getting hurt. I have completely changed lens when it comes to relationships.
Written last March 10, 2023
Always remember that you are only responsible for your reactions, you answer to yourself, you are capable of making sound decisions. And you make yourself a responsible person, Mace.
I have a dilemma where my morals when it comes to relationships doesn't meet my morals when it comes to my work ethics. Instead of making scenarios, crying thru my night shifts during work hours, maybe, I should divert and do a big focus on my career/work. I am not doing the best I have for the past 3 years in the company I am in. This is an honest review of myself to my employed self.
About the above post, some events in our life are just hard to let go because it killed something in us that we dearly valued. I’d like to believe that it happened because it's time for us to shift. To shift our perspective, throw away our old school of thought for a new one, be open to experiences because you're only here for a few years, forgive because you have to release the pain that's weighing you down.
As Dr. Swift said "Part of growing up and moving into new chapters of your life is about catch and release. ","Decide what is yours to hold and let the rest go. Oftentimes the good things in your life are lighter anyway, so there’s more room for them. One toxic relationship can outweigh so many wonderful, simple joys. You get to pick what your life has time and room for. Be discerning. "
I want to say that there are a few good things in my life, but it will sound that I'm not grateful as there are a lot of things I get to do. Which I should give more focus on. Just to name a few of my favorite good things, the list includes my Cat named Pity, my ever-loving Mom, my super Dad, and my favorite siblings in the world Ayie and Cy.
Aside from these humans, I get to do a lot of introspecting, using of my mind, and a lot of writing these past few days. There are also those experiences that I was just wishing to experience it — in which I get to do now. Growing up I thought I was adaptable to any situations, turns out I just didn’t have any structures, I'm just freelancing my way to life, however, now that I'm old and building some "structures" of my own. I find myself struggling to change some of it because I've established something aligned with what I feel right.
But, since this is life and it's ever changing like earth I have to change my views, thoughts, self, and some parts that are not working well with me, aligned with what I am in. It's hard.
Well, at least I'm doing something. It's time to do some change of heart.
Sharing some favorite quotes from Dr. Swift's speech.
“My experience has been that my mistakes led to the best things in my life. And being embarrassed when you mess up is part of the human experience.”
And so this may be hard for you to hear: In your life, you will inevitably misspeak, trust the wrong people, under-react, overreact, hurt the people who didn’t deserve it, overthink, not think at all, self-sabotage, create a reality where only your experience exists, ruin perfectly good moments for yourself and others, deny any wrongdoing, not take the steps to make it right, feel very guilty, let the guilt eat at you, hit rock bottom, finally address the pain you caused, try to do better next time, rinse, repeat. And I’m not gonna lie, these mistakes will cause you to lose things.
I’m trying to tell you that losing things doesn’t just mean losing. A lot of the time, when we lose things, we gain things too.
((Thinking about this quote above, when I lost my trust to the other person, I try to gain some for me.))
Anyway…hard things will happen to us. We will recover. We will learn from it. We will grow more resilient because of it.
As long as we are fortunate enough to be breathing, we will breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out. And I’m a doctor now, so I know how breathing works.
Too much writing today.
I feel so alive.
Good night.
This is an overdue writing. Apologies to no one but to my future self who's about to read this and make some adjustments to her writing or some comments or whatever! LOL
I don't know where to start but I'm just gonna share some life update.
1. My best friend secured a Mecca ticket to Eras tour.
2. I'm still obsessed with this German Nazi (IYKYK)
(A little interruption but I lost the previous writings that I did because I was crying, then I accidentally did the Control Z, I tried to redo it but no luck. I guess it's not for me!)
3. I'm not doing my best with everything that I have now. I'm not making the most out of the resources I have access to.
4. Taylor Swift just released her Speak Now TV album. Yeyy!
5. Practicing the Art of Letting Go and just accepting things as they are.
6. "Start from experience." A recent quote I want to keep repeating to myself.
7. About to make a list of things I want to accomplish before this year ends. I'm gonna do my best and make the most out of this *fingers crossed*
There's a lot going through my mind right now. But, one thing is vivid.
There's only me that can only do what I'm meant to do. No one can. Only me.
Trying to keep myself organized this year! It's sad that looking after your teeth properly has to go on the list, but them's be the perks of living with mental illness I suppose 😂😅 . . . . . #bookbinding #businesswoman #diary2023 #organization https://www.instagram.com/p/CnE6MtSIDqI/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
