#digitaldiary1997

[ellaexperiment]

07.07.26

yesterday night i scrolled for like 1h30 on shitty contents and obviously this morning i feel like shit; i have to remember: morning routine starts the night before.

tonight i'll try my best to do a night ritual and sleep better. computer time, stretching, meditation, sleep with no internet connection. it's so important. extremely important.

i want to feel energy, i want to be awake.

9.42 am. today i have 3 check-in to do. (who cares?)

[ellaexperiment]

06.07.26

anxiety... it's monday. i don't work on monday. but I feel the pressure of studying and it gives me so much anxiety. i think i have to go to the library this afternoon, but I see so many obstacles: it's terribly hot, I'm going to sweat, and dividing all the stuff i can and i cannot enter in the library, what i need, and don't need to bring. i always end up with a super heavy backback. oh my god, i feel so lame. and weak. my period is arriving in like in 4 days and i wish i could relax doing nothing, you know. but voices kick in my head. i think i have to low my expectations for today and... take care. what a damn challenge when i am a sort of loser to society for being ages in late taking my degree.

i am usually very conscious about my own rhythm, my story, simply my journey, so I don't always feel this particular burden. comparison or shit like this makes me feel this way. pressure. society pressure. "monday". monday?!?!? f u c k i t. my mental and physical health are more important. and today i feel how society doesn't really alloud this mindset.

i feel like i am finding excuses.

but the burden i feel is so real.

i want to get my degree, i want to keep going, but i really need to find my strength and power of will. i need rest.

tonight 19.30 yoga class at a new location. excited.

[ellaexperiment]

03.07.2026

even if -eventually- nobody will read this -sorry i don't mean to offend the eventual reader- to put this online on a public space and not in a private blog is really something to me. i posted for years on my secret blog.

also, this helps me addressing my words differently. at least i try.

today... it's only 08:41 am. i'm at work (receptionist); i feel tired. everything is pretty calm outside. internally, i feel agitated for no particular reason. probably my luteal phase. for sure.

so i constantly think things like: "ok i gotta tidy up everything. i gotta take back control".

but it doesn't really work. i just feel like this. no control. she lost control again.

i am conscious that living this way makes me losing so much time: i end up, i don't know, scrolling for an entire hour on youtube, or just doing small random things without even complete one, o simply doing without enjoying anything. like an automatic-doing-state, in order not to feel what i am feeling.

i am meditating, as always. i feel a lot of pain meditating too. but at least it makes me realize i am suffering.

this morning i tried a mindfulness guided one. it was great. it was based on the question "what i need now in order to feel good?". and the answer may be in things like "more peace" "calmness" "more love" "to get comfortable phisically" "to take my shoes off".

i am healing from something i can't really talk about. and it's a back and forth process; everything so normal. exciting, too. scary, eventually.

yesterday i was able to talk to my roommates about some cleaning issues, and to express my thoughts and feelings about it, without being aggressive or too assertive. something i am very proud about. (i would like to enjoy this feeling more but i'm just not in the mood for it). anyway: big progress.

shit, if i stop writing now, i would feel such a void...

then random thoughts on stuff like: "what should i buy for lunch" "i don't feel like studying fuck" "should i force myself to study even if i" ecc ecc

i know, my mood changes based on what i decide to do too... i just feel so heavy.

to live.

with or without a plan.

this changes things radically.

BUT i need to rest, or my plan will just fail. yeah. i need rest.

[ellaexperiment]

30.06.26

I tried my best...

[ellaexperiment]

28.06.2026

feeling that kind of strong doubt i can only accept by thinking : "i am so human. this makes me so human. what an interesting thing can be human mind. i am a human".

that kind of doubt that makes one uncertain and lost, frightened and scared, paranoid and anxious, almost guilty.

so i play in my head: "okay i am a human, doubt is a human thing, doubt is part of human experience, we all feel doubtful from time to time".

and I dont want to escape my doubtful state of mind today. today, i want to welcome my doubtful confused mind. I don't want to push it away like a bad thing, like something that can kill me. doubt won't kill me. i am human. i am strong human person. also weak. but I can be strong too.

[ellaexperiment]

preveggenza o paranoia???!?!?

[ellaexperiment]

26.06.26

i write a lot of bullshit when i journal; sometimes i need more time to process some stuff i lived before i write down my thoughts about it.

but writing is about this too.

anyway. today i am rotting and dying. unsettled, agitated, troubled. i woke up early after 9h sleep (awesome); so, during the morning hours, i was able to deep clean my room, do some laudry, and go to the gym. i also cooked my lunch and the presence of my roommates helped me not fucking everything up. i had some rice, courgettes and tofu. healthy and everything but now i have stomach ache, so i am drinking hot water with cloves. it's like... 33 degrees outside. crazy.

during this "c y c l e " i live, i wish i could do my usual things, like studying, or watching movies, or reading (not usual, i can't always read), but instead, i feel stuck: i compare myself to others who seem to have a funny life, full of friends, and interesting aesthetic, and i feel... miserable. then, a sudden need to buy things. of all kinds. some things i need some things i didn't know i need.

fundamentally: i am weak right now.

i meditate every single day. i tried meditating 15 minutes and it was... lol... ridicolous. my will power, gone. incredible.

i think i will watch a movie now, just to fucking put my mind into something else other then my stupid life.

my stupid pretty life. obviously.

fuck it.