“They laugh until laughing makes them kiss. They kiss until kissing makes them laugh.” — Sarah Ruhl (The Clean House)
Eddie was sat on the floor when Buck walked in, his back resting against the couch and legs stretched in front of him. A worrying look in his eyes. Buck had knocked first, more to announce his arrival than anything else, then waltzed into the Diaz household as if he lived there. Buck reasoned that he was there often enough the place felt like his own. First he deposited the dinner he picked up on his way on the kitchen table, then walked into the living room in search of Eddie. He did not expect to find him sat on the floor with a pained expression on his face.
“Hey,” Buck started jokingly upon seeing Eddie “You know that’s not how you’re meant to use couches right?”
But then Eddie had looked up at him, troubled expression clearing into something only less pained, and any dredge of humor drained out of Buck’s voice. Eddie didn’t look injured or panicked, so Buck eliminated the possibility of any immediate danger. Eddie wouldn’t be sat with his back to a couch, staring into space, if something was wrong with him or Chris. In fact, Buck knew that Chris was currently sleeping peacefully in his bedroom, because Chris had called him before going to bed and made Buck promise that he’ll stop by earlier tomorrow.
“Real funny, Buck.” Eddie said with an eye roll, making no attempt at moving. “Sorry, I lost track of time. Thought you’d be a bit later.”
Buck examined the space -the little table pushed to the side to make space in front of the couch, the cushion by Eddie’s side- and decided to tread carefully.
“You alright?” Buck asked as he moved closer, opting to do the logical thing and take his place on the floor to Eddie’s left, back against the couch, shoulder almost brushing Eddie’s. “What’s going on, Eddie?”
“Just making some life altering decisions.” Eddie shrugged. The movement causing his shoulder to momentarily press against Buck’s. Upon closer inspection, the look on his face was more resigned than anything. A little tired.
“Oh. Nothing big then.” Buck smiled, and it had the intended effect of making Eddie look at him and smile back, if only for a few moments before Eddie turned to stare back ahead. “Wanna share with the class?”
Eddie hummed his assent. And then, “It’s why I asked you to come over.”
“Thought you just wanted my pleasant company,” Buck joked, trying not to let worry bleed into his voice. This whole thing was starting to feel really serious all of a sudden.
“That too,” Eddie smiled again, and this time the expression he gave Buck made something clench in his chest. “I want to talk to you. It’s nothing bad, don’t look worried.” He said, catching Buck’s clouding expression. “Let’s have dinner first.”
Eddie hauled himself up without waiting for Buck’s response. Offering his hand to Buck to help him off the floor.
“I’ll get us plates and beer,” Eddie offered, hand still loosely clasped with Buck’s. “You choose something to watch?”
Buck nodded silently, his expression puzzled. Part of him hated that Eddie was drawing this -whatever this was- out, while the other part felt the need to hold onto their comforting routine for a little longer. He could sense something big threatening to crash over them.
Eddie nodded back and released Buck to head to the kitchen. Buck stood staring after him dumbfounded. His hand tingled where Eddie held it a moment ago.
-----
Dinner was a quiet and unusually tense affair.
They both made attempts at normal conversation throughout the meal, talking about Chris’s day at school, their shift the night before, Maddie and Chim’s list of baby names, but Buck could see that Eddie was on edge although he hid it well, and that put Buck on edge too. His mind spiraled with worst case scenarios on why Eddie wanted to talk to him. Maybe he needed help with something simple, but because he’s Eddie, he was overthinking it. Which would be the easiest thing to deal with. Buck would help Eddie without a second thought. But Eddie knew that, and so that scenario didn’t explain the look on his face when Buck first walked in.
Or maybe, Buck’s treacherous brain provided, he started fighting again. Maybe he had decided to take Chris and move back to Texas. Maybe he figured out that Buck is in love with him and wanted to tell him thanks, but no thanks. and gently ask Buck to give him some space. That last possibility hurt almost as much as the idea of Eddie and Chris moving away. Buck let his fork clatter down to his plate.
“Okay, I really can’t take this much longer, Eddie,” Buck said, voice trembling only a little. “We’re done with dinner. What’s going on?”
Eddie tilted his head to the side, expression contemplative, before he put his fork down too and sighed. He gave Buck a look that could only be described as soft, something warm and liquid in his eyes, but still so worried and sad. So unlike Eddie.
“Come on, we’ll talk over washing the dishes. I need something to do with my hands if we’re doing this now. Grab the beers, Buck.” That last command was given as Eddie gathered the plates and walked to the kitchen sink.
Buck almost groaned with frustration -it was a close thing- but bit it down and followed Eddie.
Buck offered his help with the dishes but Eddie declined, on account of there being a total of two dishes to wash, so Buck stood with his back to the kitchen counter with a beer clutched in his hand and eyes boring into the side of Eddie’s face, willing him to just start talking.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about where I’m at right now personally. Where I’ve been. What I want in life?” Eddie glanced sideways at Buck, no doubt noticing his confused expression. Buck still had no idea where this was going. “The whole thing with Anna put a lot of things into perspective.”
Ah, Anna. Chris’s gorgeous English teacher, who Eddie dated for two long excruciating months before they broke it off. Two months of Buck having to grit his teeth through it, fake smiles, and pretend not to be hurt when Eddie chose date night with Anna over going out with the team or over having a drink with Buck. They didn’t get serious enough for Eddie to even “introduce” her to Chris, but she had made Eddie smile at his texts and ask Buck what to wear to a date, and that had been more than enough to break Buck’s heart.
“I thought it was what I wanted, you know?” Eddie continued, unaware of Buck’s spiraling thoughts. “And in a way, it really was for a little while. She is an amazing woman, and she was kind and beautiful but. It didn’t feel right, Buck. Not in the way that I was expecting it to.” Eddie’s smile was self-deprecating, even with half of his face hidden away from Buck’s view as he finished drying the last of the cutlery. “I had to think a lot on why that was. Why I couldn’t let her into my life the way she wanted me to. Why it sometimes felt off. It was good with her, but it never felt enough.”
Eddie paused, reaching for a towel to dry off his hands. Eyes resolutely fixed on what he was doing.
Buck put his beer down and brought both arms up to cross over his chest. There was something burning low in his stomach. Anxiety or anticipation or a mixture of both. A twisted sense of hope poking at his stubborn heart.
When Eddie looked at him, Buck nodded in encouragement for him to go on.
“Did you figure out why?”
Eddie smiled at him, the same look on his face from earlier. Warm. Contemplative. Soft.
“Yes, I did.” Eddie sighed, now turning to mirror Buck’s position, so that they stood side to side, shoulders nearly brushing. “I figured out that I had already let someone else into mine and my son’s life. Into my heart. And that there wasn’t space for anyone else in there.”
And God. God! If this meant what Buck thought it meant.. He wasn’t above crying with relief.
“And who’s that, Eddie?” Buck asked, the crack in his voice more pronounced now. He thought that the entire world could probably hear his thundering heartbeat at that moment.
“You’re not dense, Buck,” Eddie sighed, a smile playing at the edges of his lips. He still looked worried but he also looked lighter.
“I want to hear it.” Buck insisted. He couldn’t take any chances, not with this.
Eddie looked at him with determination in his eyes. His voice was still gentle when he spoke.
“I have feelings for you, Buck.” Eddie started carefully, then shook his head with a small laugh. “Strong feelings.” Eddie announced in a steady voice, and now he was fully looking at Buck, watching his reaction.
Buck felt dizzy with emotion. And Buck, with all of his loud personality and inability to stay still usually, was currently at a loss for words. He couldn’t think. Could do nothing but blink rapidly at Eddie, feeling the telltale start of a smile slowly pulling at his lips.
“I’m not telling you this because I expect something in return, Buck,” Eddie went on, “I know that you’re my best friend, and I know you love Chris more than anything. So I know that this won’t make you turn away from us,” and here Eddie’s voice betrayed that he wasn’t as confident about this part as he would like Buck to believe. “But I needed you to hear it. You are my best friend, and for the past four months, the only person I’ve wanted to talk to about all of this was you.” Eddie let out a long breath, his hand rubbing at his eyes as if he was all of a sudden very tired. “So. You can take your time thinking about it. Take your space too. And whatever you decide, Buck, I will follow your lead.”
“There’s nothing to decide,” Buck finally found his voice, and it came out tinged with a smile. He turned so that he was facing Eddie, and nudged at his shoulder until Eddie turned to face him. “I made my decision a long time ago. I was just waiting for you to get here, Eddie.”
Buck’s palm found its way to the side of Eddie’s jaw, cradling Eddie’s face as if it were something precious. His other hand came up to rest upon Eddie’s shoulder, his finger trailing from there to the side of Eddie’s neck. The moment felt so fragile around them. The entire world holding its breath while they stared at each other.
“Buck?” Eddie said in a measured voice. Hope was creeping into his warm brown eyes, and he was starting to smile too in something akin to disbelief. Buck knew his expression must have looked the same.
“You’re not dense, Eddie,” Buck grinned, repeating Eddie’s phrase from before, and relishing the exasperated smile it got him. And that smile was what finally snapped Buck into action. It was so achingly familiar, so beautiful and tender and fond, that Buck found himself surging forward without a second thought. His lips finally brushing against Eddie’s. His breath hitching when Eddie brought his hands to Buck’s waist and pushed them closer together, all the while kissing Buck back senseless.
They kissed for long moments, unaware of anything else around them. Their breaths mingling whenever one stopped to breath and the other peppered kisses along lips and cheeks and jawline.
“Buck,” Eddie breathed out, and Buck thought he could die happy just hearing Eddie say his name like that for the rest of his life. “Are you sure about this?”
Buck has never been more sure about anything in his life, but he knew that Eddie needed the reassurance. Needed to hear it too, because he -just like Buck himself- had known too much loss and pain to take anything for granted.
“I want this. I want to be with you. To be your best friend and your boyfriend, if that’s what you want too” Buck said, eyes boring into Eddie’s and then fluttering shut as Eddie’s thumb brushed gently against the side of his face. “You and Chris mean the world to me, Eddie. You must know that. I’m all in.”
Buck loved them both so much, his heart ached with it, and he knew that that love was written all over his face for Eddie to see.
“I want that too, Buck.” Eddie rested his forehead against Buck’s temple and laughed with what sounded like pure relief, and Buck found himself laughing along with him. The kisses they traded sloppy and more teeth than lips with how hard they were both smiling.
“I want you, and I want whatever you’re willing to give me.” Buck murmured, once they had laughed until they started kissing again.
“Everything, Buck,” Eddie answered against Buck’s lips, smiling into the kiss. “I want to give you everything.”
Note: This is my first ever fic in this fandom, and my first fic in general in a very very long time so please be gentle! Comments, reblogs, and tags are so appreciated <3
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