#dirigible diary

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pls no evil eye but

and this is okay to share bc the only people i know irl who follow me already know basically so its fine lol, thank u for this quiet little corner of the internet so I don’t have to feel like people will be peeking at my life when i dont want them to i just want to record nice things !

We visited a venue today and we didn’t sign anything, but we both like it, and I am hoping it’s the one we settle on. It’s beautiful and small and quiet and, I think, very us. It’s not loud or extravagant and the reception area is tiny and we could actually afford to pay it all ourselves, though I think my dad is going to try to pay maybe. It was a nice day and it was a nice drive there and it was wonderful and nice and just great. And also I enjoy long drives with L anyway, so that was a nice part of the day, too. I don’t think anything has completely hit me yet and there really isn’t enough going on yet to make it really feel like it’s all happening, but that’s what happens when you take forever to act on what was said, maybe. And also, in a way, I wouldn’t have it any other way, because that also feels very us. I’m a little surprised that I don’t feel any sort of “I can’t believe this is really happening, things are actually moving along on this planning front” feelings, but I think that’s because we are kind of very comfortable where we are and everything feels like this is the right pace to move along at and that just makes everything feel better and more certain. I’m happy.

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today, so far

Positives: On the The Ordinary skincare experiment - Today I had lunch with my boyf and he told me my skin looked clearer, and I hadn’t told him anything about trying new skincare stuff except for mentioning it briefly when the package first arrived! It’s been about a week since I started using the products. I also finally got an AM moisturizer so it’s got sunscreen in it, go me.

Negatives: When I was driving home after lunch, I stopped by Dunkin Donuts only to find out that they discontinued the Vanilla Cupcake flavor.

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hi everyone,

I just wanted to let you know that DREAMS DO COME TRUE bc yesterday night I had DINNER with my former professor (SEE! Good things happen when I make myself stay to say hi after a talk [a really awesome talk on gender expression btw]). I love her, she’s wonderful, I’m so happy.

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When I am REALLY WALLOWING and BEING A BIG BABY I think things like, “I wish my distress was palatable and relatable so that people would be like ‘same’ and give me attention for it.”

I think ascribing to no type of religion or spiritual practice is really difficult for most people to understand. Or it seems that way.

It’s 110% impossible for me to understand how anyone feels anything while at church, though, so you know.

I have been so consistent w my exercise; I love it. I love being sweaty and wiped out and taking a shower and eating food.

I’m subbing in 5th grade tomorrow and I am a little scared but it’s okay, it will be okay.

I gotta get to bed.

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I picked up some Dunkin Donuts and went to hang out with my boyf for the last 20ish minutes of his lunch break and honestly this is joy. I just want things like this in my life forever. I took a day off from subbing because I felt like death and knew I wouldn’t make it to the end of the week if I picked up a job for today, but I woke up today feeling like I am actually getting better (I did everything I knew to make myself better lol). And that was so nice. And I got to do this nice thing. And I picked up food for the rest of this week’s lunches afterwards.

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I know it is kind of petty to somewhat purposefully not engage with someone because you are upset that they seemingly ignored you, but UGH. I am a PERSON with FEELINGS so, you know what!!! It’s kind of reasonable!!

Like reasonably, I know that they had a lot of tuff stuff going on. And that maybe they are unnecessarily embarrassed about something and that is why they were/are avoiding me? And that you shouldn’t do things for people expecting something in return. And like, the thing is, when I did the kind thing, I did not expect anything in return at all. It’s just that when I look at this whole thing laid out it’s kind of like wtf ??? I actually went out of my way and I did my best to be a Good Friend and I mean even still if they reached out to me I would probably do the same, but then they just IGNORED ME when I tried a couple times to reACH OUT and CONNECT and be like “Oh I was finally able to read the story you wanted me to read! :)” and tried to start a conversation about it but nothing happened !!!!!!!

So now whenever they are active on fb I get grumpy.

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So when I was talking to former prof yesterday over dinner (cannot get over it!), we were talking about the importance of EXISTING as ourselves as educators. And like she was telling me about her mentor when she was an undergrad and saying like “To see a brown woman up there lecturing, and she’s freaking brilliant” sort of thing, ya KNOW. I was also thinking though that this specific prof, the one I was talking to, is kind of that person for me. And then that gives me the sense that I gotta keep pressing on because there are a lot of small children out there and maybe I’ve gotta be someone’s friendly/familiar face. It’s more complex but I’m gonna leave it at that for now.

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You know what!!! My skin might end up ‘bad’ because genetics and I hate skincare and I might not know how to deal with marriage related things (A BIG MESS, LIFE IS HARD) and dealing with my strong feelings about traditionalism and religion. BUT I have fairly steady work now and my weekends are great and my relationship with my boyf is a nice space in my life.