#disability reflections

[lifeisatrial]

Every day I think about "crip time is grief time".

Samuels, E., (2017) “Six Ways of Looking at Crip Time”, Disability Studies Quarterly 37(3). doi: https://doi.org/10.18061/dsq.v37i3.5824

[lifeisatrial]

(19/3) Disability reflections on medical trauma triggers or I need to function in society, Helen (Part 2)

Wondering why I’ve been so incredibly depressed this week. Forgot about the accumulated medical trauma triggers.

- Lab refusing to release blood test report. Clinic forgot to send blood test report before closing for a week. Also refusing to answer calls or reply to messages.

- Recommended thyroid doctor for holistic management waitlisted til DECEMBER?

- Holistic somatic and psych pain management centre not replying to messages or replying to calls

- Psych office recep threatening to charge me full price over miscommunication about scheduling and late cancellation (don’t lawyer me, motherfuckers). After accidentally overbilling me last week.

- People wanting a memo diagnosis of the fibromyalgia thing. When seeing the pain doctors themselves a few years ago was already so traumatic on account of them being dismissive. Was gonna see these guys to get recommendations on doctors—guess not, huh.

[lifeisatrial]

(17/3) Disability Reflections or I NEED TO FUNCTION IN SOCIETY, HELEN

Actually incredible that I continue to remain employed in a field where I continuously get exposed to some of my most severe CPTSD triggers. Choices. Choices were made -> Time to revisit those choices?

Can’t get the blood test I paid for (my THYROID) cos the clinic forgot to send it and then closed for a week and the lab is refusing to release it. Not like it’s important or anything. I NEED TO FUNCTION IN SOCIETY, HELEN

What do you want. what do you want. what do you want.

C such a good influence and has taught me by example that maybe I should open my mind and stop being such a snob / obstinate character / coloured by bad experiences. (I am so open-minded and enlightened in fandom, but somehow in the disability / mental illness arena, I’m no better than Weller in the Lawyers AU fic when it comes to myself, lmao. But also I have had such bad experiences being in this culture, ugh.) -> Consider: ACT? CBT? Mindfulness (ugh)? Group therapy ACT?

[lifeisatrial]

(16/3) Disability Reflections

Did very much knowingly and against professional advice of my therapist wilfully and stubbornly re-traumatise myself last week by not listening to my body. But also at least I knew I was doing it, which A+ for self-awareness.

Very good to have TAN discussion on the Xanax but it is honestly so confusing. like

IDK… I feel long-term this work set up is not working out for accommodating crip time

[lifeisatrial]

I know T S Eliot said April is the cruelest month, but I gotta say—March is really giving it a run for its money.

[lifeisatrial]

Been relapsing so bad in the way I treat myself. Therapist being like PLEASE PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR BODY and STOP RETRAUMATISING YOURSELF and me being face down on the desk while talking to him like No ❤️ What am I doing, seriously.

Samuels, E., (2017) “Six Ways of Looking at Crip Time”, Disability Studies Quarterly 37(3). doi: https://doi.org/10.18061/dsq.v37i3.5824

[lifeisatrial]

Continuing reflections on chronic pain, disability, autoimmune problems, etc:

1) Kinda feel for my therapist cos for years the poor chap has been saying things to me like “perhaps we want to be kinder to ourselves” and “ask yourself what you need” and I was like eh??? And then I read one creative non-fiction essay on crip time that @archive-z sent me and I was like ohhhhhhhhh.

(Maybe in future I should be like, could you also give me journal articles instead…)

In this creative nonfiction essay, the author reflects on how 'crip time' has operated in their life, not only as a form of liberation, but

2) Sat down and wrote out my medical history into a pseudo clinical note for my reference and wow. It’s bad, huh. It’s actually pretty bad < Person, on a daily regimen of 4 to 5 medications. Mind, I’m in my mid-thirties, and this is already the somewhat improved me compared to, say, 2019 when everything was undiagnosed so it was just willpower and paracetamol. (Probably pre-existing 2019. Just got bad enough in 2019 to actually register as a Problem 😭😭😭)

3) tldr; being on the Internet—specifically Tumblr and the related discord servers for your area of interest) provided you do it right—will save you cos you can stroll into a place where you get to be the Token Straight (it’s great) and when you asked if anyone has chronic pain and/or are in therapy, more than half the people will be like Oh yeah. As opposed to IRL, where people will be like, ‘Have you tried exercise?’