#disasociating

[bebi-bebi]

Is it weird that sometimes when I’m bored I start talking like I’m doing a livestream and I start telling stories to an imaginary audience?? Am I the only one who does that????

[deanismysavior]

Self care is listening to “but you're in a bathroom at a party” music edits.

[tempestshakes01]

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[fictionforreality]

Boomerang

It has been a very long time since I last posted here. Reading through I realised, I missed my freedom to express my true self. The ability to reveal my thoughts to the world without judgement. It feels like shouting in an empty stadium, letting it all out till your heart is content. So today, I talk about why I came back. I came back because history repeats itself. I find myself at a similar dark place that I was at years ago. Experiencing the same feeling of "Do I really belong here?" and "Do I deserve everything good that comes my way?" Unable to accept reality, unable to comprehend what is happening to me. It feels like I'm at a cinema, watching a person live their life out, even controlling some decisions yet feeling very distant from their reality. I wonder why. I wish to gain some control. I wish to be happier. What makes me saddest is that at the moment in life I dreamt of being on top of the world, I feel down, depressed and very insecure. But this time shall pass too, and I will find myself at a happier place. Unable to relate to the past. And that is what I hope for most. That is what I look forward to.

Source: @ariduka55

[little-pet-foxlet]

I want to talk about what I was saying the other day some more, though I honestly can’t remember if it was yesterday or two days ago... I feel like I can’t keep up with time. I also feel like I’m not real, and we’re not real...and this is all fake and I’m just pretending. Like, I keep telling myself how complicated this identity is and how I should just drop it. Just stop you’re being ridiculous you’re gonna annoy everyone just be one single damn person come on already. I’m freaked out, and probably unstable, and I don’t understand what I look like and everything is foreign and why don’t I just... look like me? Or why do I look weird?

I don’t understand. I don’t know who I am or if there’s an us and what are we or what am I? I feel like I broke our stability somehow by writing and thinking about that stuff. Maybe we’re not meant to? Like, we shouldn’t question things like that too much... I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I really don’t know. But, if we are real, if Ruby is real, I at least think, if I’m gonna talk about this situation some more (about the other day- not this weird mental freakout), that Ruby is at least associating this person as a caregiver (Fae wants to call him ‘Papa’ but it rarely escapes our body’s mouth due to anxiety/knowledge of the body’s age.), if nothing more.

But I really do think it’s romantic, just like it is for me, but I can’t tell and I don’t know because I can’t talk to faer. I used to be able to, or at least I think so. I don’t even know that. Fae cried yesterday, or i think it was faer, when fae heard him say “Ruby, I love you too.” Or something along those lines, my memory escapes me. Fae needed acknowledgement and affection... and fae needs him too, so much. I think fae is why we cry when we need to leave him, why we miss him so much... Ruby needs him. Ruby needs papa. Papa, papa, papa....daisuki, suki, suki... suki mou!