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Bachelorette Recap: The Hanging Of The Chad
Continuing with the season of The Chad, we get a recap of all his shenanigans to start tonight’s ep. To be honest, I’m pretty sick of this taking up the lion’s share of every week, and I can only imagine how much more tired the rest of the dudes are of living with this chach. Despite glimpses of his softer side, and some witty comments, I’m honestly hoping Chad goes home; he’s taken up enough of our collective attention.
Unfortunately, we still have to get through his pseudo apology and the time that he’s still in the house. The rest of the bros seem super bummed that Harrison doesn’t immediately give him the boot, and are all ears when he returns to the living room. It goes pretty much the way one would expect, with TC basically saying sorry not sorry, and reiterating his story of being pushed by Evan.
At this, the weaselly tattletale is completely incensed, denies any wrongdoing and insists on Chad replacing his shirt. They bicker like children while I sigh martyred sighs, and finally Wells steps in to make sure there’s going to be no more violence, and they all leave it at that. Thank fucking God, and A+ to Wells for both getting to the point and soothing everyone ruffled feathers.
Moving on, JoJo arrives for the pool party, which means it’s time for shots, chicken fights, a very crowded hot tub, and a little synchronized swimming. JoJo’s loving it, as am I. The guys are being funny instead of catty, which makes for a really nice change. There is an incident where Evan comes up from the showy diving move with a bloody nose, and while everyone turns accusing eyes at The Chad, Even slinks away to deal with his gushing proboscis.
JoJo takes this opportunity to sneak away with Jordan, and they cuddle, swimsuit clad, on a bench conveniently placed in the driveway. While they canoodle, I can’t help but notice JoJo’s boobs. Either this bikini has some serious compression power, or she has exercised part of her great rack away trying to get even hotter for this adventure. That makes me sad.
Jordan and JoJo aren’t sad, though. They’re all smiles and straddled kisses and talks about how he makes her nervous in a good way. They sort through whether he’s just smooth or is actually there for the right reasons, and it goes pretty well. I liked him at first, but the way he does that supposed to be sensual scratching thing drives me absolutely bonkers. I can barely stand to watch it, but she seems pretty into it. Blech!
The other men are making the most of this time, too, with Robby and Luke getting skimmed over, no doubt in service of some Chad coverage later. Cue more hard eye rolls from me. I’d like to see some of the normal guys get featured a little more, but that doesn’t seem to be on the cards as of yet. Sure enough, we get plenty of time with not only Chad, but Alex, Derek and the rest busy wasting what time they have talking about the dude everyone loves to hate on.
I’m so over it, and the way these guys are acting is not a little bit ridiculous. Derek’s scared to sleep in the same room, really?!? Evan purposely antagonizes TC by pulling the robbery when Chad has just sat down to talk to JoJo?? I feel like they’re poking a dragon that just got settled in for a snooze, and if this continues, then maybe they will have something to worry about.
After more talk about Chad, JoJo splits, to return for the rose ceremony later that night. Chad is nowhere to be seen, until he shows up in the confessional, with ominous smoke leaking out of his ears and nostrils. He proceeds to then pull a very frightened looking Derek away, but, surprise, surprise, there is no violence, just a heated discussion about who’s there for what, how negative Chad is, how Derek is scared of him, and if JoJo asks, he’s reporting ALL of this, okay, mommy?!?
I get that he’s an asshole, but they’re giving him way too much power over their thoughts and actions. It’s kind of pathetic, and doesn’t show them in a good light. Whiny little bitches is the phrase that springs to mind, which counts as my bad feminist moment of the day, I guess. I’m so done with this. I see now that we’re never to be finished with this complaining, though, as it continues on through the guys getting ready, like a ribbon of shit in a fudge sundae. Come on!
Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony, and even though I feel like Chad has gotten a tiny bit of a raw deal (he brought ninety nine percent of it on himself, but not all), I hope he’s gone. If only so that we can talk about something else for a change, lord!
Roses: Grant, Weaselly Evan, Bitch Ass Derek, Chase, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F, Vinny, Sweet Baby James, Damn Daniel, Alex, and The Chad.
UnREAL! The bitchfest continues, siiiiiiiiiigh. (via abc)
No Rose:
St Nick, Ali, Christian
JoJo and I end the night hoping for a fresh start; she lets the boys know that they’re packing up and heading out for good. To where? All is to be revealed later. I know I was imagining some exotic port of call, as I’m sure the guys were, but instead, it’s a trip to glorious…Nemacolin, PA? Uhh, right, then. Southwestern PA it is. Grand. While JoJo biplanes in, the men bounce down muddy paths in jeeps, roaring and woo hooing all the way. It’s man time, baby!
When the first date card arrives, we discover that Luke is the lucky dog who gets to accompany JoJo on their first adventure in a new place. Going with the manly new theme, I’d venture a guess that the fact that she “likes him very mush,” means they’ll be doing something with sled dogs. The valley girl rancher gathers his butterflies and flits off to his date, and I see they are indeed travelling by sled. Either these cards are getting more obvious, or I need to get a life.
Once they arrive at the spot, Luke has to chop some wood to get the hot tub going, and the theme of the day continues, with JoJo simpering over Luke’s brawniness. Hopefully that makes up for his high, gag me with a spoon voice, because that shit is kind of terrible. What is not terrible is Luke’s body, and JoJo is pretty slammin’, too. It’s looking like her boobs were just cruelly squashed by that black bikini, and she needs to toss that shit into the wood burning furnace heating their apparently very hot hot tub, STAT.
We take a break for the obligatory check in with Chad, and things seem to be about where they were the night before. He’s at a slow simmer, and ready for anything the other dudes have to dish out. According to him, “It’s not a wise decision to poke the Chadbear.” I think Alex intends to do just that, as there’s talk of a possible two on one date, and Alex soooooo does not want it to be him and Chadbear. Knowing how diabolically evil the producers are, that is exactly what is going to happen.
Can’t wait! And by can’t wait, I mean, I’m contemplating scooping my eyeballs out with a spoon rather than watch that particular disasterbacle go down. Sure enough, the group date that’s “going all the way,” includes Derek, James T, Damn Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F, Evan, Wonk Face Grant, Jordan, and Robby – no Chadbear, no Alex. Two on one ahoy!
Back on the date things roll along in the typical manner. They sit at a sweetheart table, they ignore their dinner in favor of their wineglasses, and talk about serious shit. In this case, they cover Luke’s military service, and his time in Afghanistan where he led men, and saw good men die. It’s pretty emotional, and I really appreciate how he doesn’t dwell on the bad, but concentrates on the fact that these experiences helped him figure out what he truly values in life.
He’s very emotionally intelligent, and actually reminds me a little of Ben in that way. I hope JoJo can see beyond suave Jordan and that she gives Luke a proper chance. He’s really impressed me on this date. Her, too, because he gets the rose, and some kisses, and validation, and a concert where they stand on a raised platform to watch. You know, normal stuff.
One date slides into the next, and the bachelors find themselves at Heinz field, standing in front of Ben Rape-lesburger, Hines Ward, and Brett Keisel. The boys are pretty jazzed, and if it were just Hines and Brett, I would be, too. I have a hard time getting excited about an accused rapist, but, it is what it is.
Rodgers the Lesser is in his element, thinking that his is in his element, thinking that his past on the practice squads of some NFL teams will give him a leg up. Evan is struggling, and everyone else is pretty much taking things in stride. That is, until drills turn to one v one drills, and drills turn to a scrimmage. Sweet Baby James gashes his face open, and Jordan is hucking bullets at the other men right and left. It’s pretty brutal.
The failed quarterback ends up helming both teams, and has toned down the speed of his passes considerably. It looks like the white team is going to run away with it, but Evan (who spells “win” e-v-a-n) is determined that his hipster headband, one eye black sticker, recurring bloody nose and he will get that extra time with JoJo. It’s all tied up, and it comes down to one final series. Derek manages to snag the ball right out of Wells’ hands and runs it back for a touchdown.
This means that Creepy Evan, SBJ, Robby, Jordan, Derek, and Vinny net the evening portion of the date, along with the win. The losers go home to sulk. That night follows yet another typical pattern, with talking and kissing and opening up by some of the more reticent guys. Most notably, Robby and Jordan take big steps forward, but only Jordan gets the date rose.
All that’s left of this week is some more threats by Chad, the donning of some patriotic socks by Alex and the slow descent into madness that will be this date. With some more scuffly ado, we’re off on what will surely be one of the most painful two on one dates in the history of the show, which is really saying something. JoJo (aka the producers) plan a hike into hell for the uneven trio, and Alex is not showing well so far. He owns it, but man alive is that kid short! As Chadbear helps JoJo over obstacles, Alex hops up and over and around them, gamely attempting to keep up. They finish up the walk on a rocky streambed, with blankets and the rose set out just so that nobody forgets what’s really going on here.
JoJo grabs Alex first, and immediately asks about the Chad. I don’t really feel like this is fair of her, but the marine rises to the bait like a hungry carp and starts in on his fave subject – what a shitbag Chad is. He’s fake, he’s a garbage person, he threatens people, and on and on. She takes it all in and then immediately turns around and talks to Chad about what Alex just said, which is super awkward.
JoJo claims to still be confused, but I don’t know how she can doubt that he’s bad news at this point. Hell, almost every other man in the house has sacrificed time with her to bitch about his roid ragey ass, some of which was prompted by questions she asked. Listen to what they’re saying, my child. Don’t ask for advice and then not take it. That’s just silly.
They end up arguing, then The Chad returns to the blankets, and he and Alex argue. It’s more of the same, all the time, world without end, amen. By the time JoJo returns with a decision, I’m about ten thousand percent ready to see this end one way or another. Thankfully it ends as it should. Alex gets the rose, and Chadbear is hoist with his own asshole petard, proving she made the right decision after the other two leave, throwing a hissy fit, calling names and acting like a toddler.
I’m ready to say good riddance to bad rubbish, but Chad whistles his way back through the woods like a serial killer AND SHOWS UP AT THE MEN’S DOOR. For what purpose? I have no idea. That will have to wait for next week. Sweet dreams until then!