#disordered attachment

[sweetpeauserboxes]

[angria]

Wow, okay not answering my parents for a while.

Argument again under the guise of “apology.” The classic “I don’t remember that” for all resistance to anything in my life. “We’ve always been supportive.” So I described receiving a call in the middle of the night before my first inpatient (February 2016) telling me not to go until I said I was going to kms. “I don’t remember that.” Well I fucking do. Moving to the city, starting new medications, treatment, any little fucking change in my life. Wait until you take the licensure, wait till you get a SW job, wait till you are in a bigger apt, wait until you have a partner/roommate. Like what the actual fuck. A bigger apt and/or partner? That could be years from now, if ever.

Felt better after spending the session talking about cats with T. Now feel like shit again, them backsliding into the old gaslighting triggers. Feel so fucking alone, doubting myself. Which I know is the gaslighting at work, but really hard to feel differently right now...

[angria]

Talked to E about the csa nightmares. How I don't know what to believe without concrete memories. Other than these consistent nightmares and the body memories. That I'm just making it up and ruining the name of my dead uncle.

E said, "I believe you, I always have." And I just burst out crying. She hugged me and put her head to mine, which just made me cry harder. I noticed afterwards that she was crying too.

Still in denial that she is leaving St. P's at the end of January. And then moving 7 hours away (to my home-state) in June. She said I can visit her when I come to my home-state and we will stay in touch. But, it will be different. And once again, losing a safe, significant attachment.

[angria]

E is leaving St. P’s in January. She came in to tell me before sharing with other parishioners. She is moving to my home-state, where her sister and her partner live. Her sister owns the house next door, so E and her husband will move in there.

I kind of knew it was coming. The last year,she’s really been struggling with caring for her husband, who has had dementia for years and needs full time care at this point. While balancing parish work and her adjunct prof teaching. And none of her family near them (his family does nothing to help).

The Episcopal Church is pretty strict when it comes to pastoral relationships once a priest leaves a parish (like when J left…couldn’t talk to him for two years). But E said I’m too special, that I can’t get rid of her that easily. That she loves me so much and is so proud of how much I have come into myself over the years. How strong I am.

Just started crying in her arms. Even though I knew it was coming, I really didn’t need this after this week.