#angriadm

[angria]

Forever my hero. I will carry your words in my heart every single day, the ones that saved my life 💜

[angria]

Officially an MSW!!! Ceremony was ridiculously long despite only being the school of social work graduation. Overall, it went well and really enjoyed my time when my good friend and his partner visited. Parents were fairly okay. Kitty was an absolute menace and kept me up most nights, but he's still cute.

Multiple people praised my presence in class, that my contributions and communication skills are next level. Also got asked if I would consider a PhD. Got the same feedback during undergrad and theology grad. Yet, still struggle to absorb it.

[angria]

Saw my pcp this morning and she noticed a dense spot, so now I’m getting my first mammogram with an ultrasound tomorrow morning. My mother’s side has an extensive history of breast cancer and I needed to get a mammogram this year anyway. Supposed to start at 35 years old if you have a family history.

I let A know that I would be coming in late tomorrow and she offered to come with me to the appt since it’s my first one 🥺 I love her so much.

Hopefully it doesn’t show anything that needs a biopsy. My mom and others in her family have high density tissue. So might just be that, but my pcp wants to be sure. People keep warning me about the exam and being painful. Honestly, I would prefer a mammogram over a pap smear any day. Still dreading when that comes around next…

[angria]

May not be as active the next few days...parents and friends arrive today. Graduation tomorrow!!!

[angria]

Sooooo.....they offered me the job?! I'm kind of shocked actually.

I requested to speak with the HR person today to try and negotiate salary/hr. They posted a significant range on their job description and I got the low end (which is still more than expected as a starting salary...they can say no, but at least I tried). Also plan to ask a few other questions as well (like specific health insurance plans).

We'll see what they say....hopefully they are open to negotiate.

[angria]

Cool, mother is upset/pissed/whatever about my fucking inquiry about the cat. Rattling off all these reason why I shouldn’t. Then lashed out and said they are pushing me to do this. I asked who is they and she basically hung up on me.

As though I don’t feel like shit enough as it is. Telling me for all my life what I can and can’t do. I’m fucking 35 years old. Yes, I know it’s an expense and a cat requires care (like no shit, you don’t think I’ve examined that?). Meanwhile, I know she had cats before and when I was little. Beyond the fact, it is an inquiry. For all I know, they are going to decline it. Nor is there a commitment until I fucking pay for him. What is the harm in inquiring?? I’m aware of the commitment and responsibility of a pet. Fuck, I had a fucking horse for over 10 years. What makes you think I don’t understand animal care?

At work now and literally want to start crying, feeling so small like I did with mother and her control/criticism. Which then brings up the SH urges that used to happen with her triggers. Only reason I told her is because I’m actually excited about something for once. Already texted T (acknowledging he doesn’t have to respond since I see him later today). Just….I’m just trying to feel good about life and myself.

[angria]

Haircut yesterday thankfully…was starting to get too long. And wanted it cut before graduation in a couple months (eeekkk!)

And excited, I ordered a new weighted stuffed animal that comes with a mini weighted stuffed animal! This time two cats. We’ll see how big the mini one is and if I can carry it with me for the Abandoned part (which was the point of me getting this particular stuffed animal). Now to think of names 😬

[angria]

Kind of surprising session with L today....still processing it. Took notes, will write more tomorrow.

And Tuesday's peer group went well again! People wrote such validating things in the zoom chat, especially when I talked about the doubt and sifting through memories for "proof" and "evidence." Took screenshots so I could reread them. Today, A asked how it went and she actually got teary as I was describing the group, that I felt lighter afterwards. It's kind of bewildering...