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Who am I? A girl, 21 years old, living somewhere I wish I was not. I’m a student, but I don’t know what career I want to pursue. I’m working out at the gym, but still eating junk food for lunch. I’m a living contradiction. I have low self-esteem, and any criticism that teachers do to me just makes it worse. What I fear is failing at something that doesn’t even make me happy. Wasting time on something that stresses me so much. A year, 12 months, 365 days… that’s a long time for mortal beings like us.
A thing that is very important to me is faith. Two years ago it used to be my everything and honestly, it did feel good. However with time, I started lacking in that area too. I miss when I felt that internal peace and serenity sometimes. But I am the only one to be blamed for this. I just didn’t live it the right way. I was always over stressed about the mistakes I made, and I underestimated the mercy of God. To the point that back then, I missed the time when I was not caring about religion, when I was reckless, because I didn’t feel guilty all the time. This is not the way religion is supposed to make you feel. That shows that I didn’t do it right. Now my faith is dead, which is somehow an opportunity for me to build it again but this time on strong bases. Let’s see this whole situation this way.
Psychologically speaking, apart from the fact that I’m way too emotional, there isn’t much I can tell you. Not that I don’t want to, I simply don’t know. Do I suffer from depression? Maybe. I haven’t seen a psychologist and to me this is not something you can diagnosed yourself by reading things on the internet. Because of my mood swings, I could be bipolar. But again, I don’t know.
I wish I had everything figured out. I wish things were not so complicated, even though I know I’m the one who makes them worse than what they really are. I wish I had the courage and strength to stand up and change things when I still have time. Let’s see how everything goes tomorrow.