Could you please do “This was never right.” with Royality if that's ok?
Losing the Heart
A/N: This took a while to get right but we got there.
Warnings: Alcohol, Back pain, Fighting, Cheating, Vomit mention, Anger, Crying, Pain, Yelling, Divorce
Roman sighed as he unlocked his apartment door, stepping into the silent, dark apartment, flicking on the main light in the kitchen. He expected Patton was probably asleep already, and he didn’t want the light to trail into his husbands-
No…no that wasn’t right anymore, was it?
He felt a painful twinge in his chest, a foggy flash of the memory in the corner of his mind, shaking it off quickly as he tossed his blazer over the back of the couch. Blankets were tangled over the cushions, two pillows crooked at the end of the sofa.
Roman winced, feeling a sympathetic twinge in his back. Yeah…he was pretty sure his back was going to hate him for this.
He sighed again, resting his forearms on the back of the couch, bending at his waist and pressing his forehead into the fabric. His heart twinged again, biting his lip hard as he tried to ignore the thickness growing in his throat.
No, no, he couldn’t do this now. He had to be strong-
A soft breath escaped from the top of the stairs and Roman felt his skin prickle, his breath hitching as he straightened suddenly, eyes skating over the figure at the top of the stairs. Patton was wearing his sweatshirt…his sweatshirt…fuck.
“Ro…”
Roman felt his stomach flip, swallowing hard to try and fight the bile rising in his throat. It wasn’t fair that he still looked so pretty, with his hair mussed and eyes rubbed raw and bloodshot. It wasn’t fair that he looked cute in Roman’s sweatshirt and simultaneously made him feel nauseous.
It wasn’t fair that Roman felt like he’d been gutted while Patton still looked like an angel, even when he was upset.
“I’m sorry.” he whispered, voice wobbling as Roman kicked off his shoes, trying to keep his breathing even, “I…I know I hurt you-”
Roman’s hands gripped into the fabric of the couch, barely managing to loosen a hand to unbutton his shirt slowly, “Patton, I’m too tired to talk about this now.”
“You’re avoiding it.” Patton’s voice went firm, and Roman was surprised that he didn’t balk as he had in the past.
Instead, the acidic burn of rage boiled up and out of his throat, “What gave you that idea?” He spat, pulling his shirt off and tossing it over his blazer, ruffling his hair as he walked around the couch in his tanktop and slacks.
“Roman, you can’t keep avoiding this conversation.” Patton’s voice wobbled again as Roman opened the fridge, pulling out a bottle of wine and then a glass, “Please…it’s just hurting us both-”
The wine bottle and glass hit the bench too hard, the loud ‘thunk’ silencing the room as Roman squeezed his eyes closed, gripping the neck of the bottle tightly.
“It’s hurting us both?” Roman asked, his voice dripping with acid of pain and rage, opening his eyes and staring down at the bottle of wine, “Both?” his eyes snapped up to Patton.
His husband- or whatever he was now, took a step back, gripping the banister of the stairs, almost ready to race back up the stairs.
“R-ro…”
Roman dropped his eyes again, sighing hard and shaking his head, his limp hair falling into his face and making him look to much like his brother. His hand loosened around the neck of the bottle, sliding down to the bench and he had to prop himself up.
“Please…not tonight.” he whispered, tears already stinging in his eyes and his lungs threatening to cave in, “Please.”
There was silence for a few moments, the air tense with anticipation and fear. “Okay…” Patton whispered, inching backward to the stairs, “Please, um…at least come back to bed.” Roman felt ice run down his spine, “You’re only going to hurt your back…”
Roman barely swallowed a whimper, his mind trying to flash the memory of that night in his mind again. He barely managed to push it back down, “I can’t.” for the first time since that night, almost a week past, his voice broke as he spoke to Patton, shaking his head slowly, “I just- I- I can’t, Patton.”
Another long moment of silence, broken once by a soft, barely there exhalation of air. A barely swallowed sob. “Okay.” he whispered, “Can…can we talk…about it tomorrow? Please?”
Roman took a deep breath and sighed deeply, pouring himself a glass of wine, “Sure.” he answered softly, pouring a full glass and leaving the bottle on the bench.
Patton slowly inched up the stairs, pausing halfway up as Roman walked past the stairs, sipping the wine from his glass, “Roman…?”
Roman set his glass down before flopping onto the couch, picking up the remote, “Yes?”
“I really am…I really am sorry.” he whispered.
Roman winced, gripping the remote tight and swallowed hard, “Goodnight, Patton.” he whispered.
No matter how much Roman avoided the memory during the day, he couldn’t avoid it in his dreams. He’d tried to simply not sleep, but that only made them harder to escape, so it was best to try and sleep. That didn’t mean he was sober when he did though.
It just meant that when he woke up, stomach flipping and heart-breaking all over again, he had an excuse to stumble to the bathroom and throw up in case Patton came downstairs. Which he didn’t.
Not for a week but…well, Roman couldn’t entirely blame him. He was cold to him but…honestly, Roman had felt pretty justified for a while…what was he still doing here? Sure, it was as much his home as it was Patton’s but…
It wasn’t looking much like his home anymore. Hell, he didn’t even recognise himself in the mirror anymore. He looked up at his reflection again. He looked more like a muscular version of Virgil…except his older brother hadn’t been drinking heavily for a week.
Beyond the buzz of the television, Roman heard his phone ringing, rinsing his mouth out into the sink and stumbling out to the living room, sitting on his makeshift bed and picking up the phone, “Hello?”
“Roman, what the hell are you doing still up?” Virgil’s voice was a bark but he could hear the undercurrent of worry, even as he snapped at his brother at four in the morning, “Logan called me, saying you’ve been going to work reeking of alcohol, what the hell-”
“Virge-” Roman’s traitorous voice wobbled, “Please…don’t yell at me…”
Virgil was quiet for a few moments, and he heard a door close through the phone as he tried to gather himself together, “Roman?” his voice was softer, quieter now and Roman felt himself starting to crack, “What happened?” he asked, “I can get a flight tomorrow, come see you-”
“No!” he squeaked, “Please, no, it’ll take you half a day to get here anyway-” he forced a wobbly laugh, “-I’m fine-”
Virgil laughed bitterly, “Now I know you’re not okay.” Roman fell silent, “You only say you’re ‘fine’, when you’re not.”
“Wha-”
“If you’re good, I wouldn’t hear the end of it.”
Roman was silent for a few moments, his eyes filling with tears, bracing an elbow on his thigh and he put his head in his hand, his breathing hitching, “I’m not.” his voice wobbled and thickened, “If Logan’s calling you from across the world…it’s bad.”
“Ro…”
“I’m sorry, Virge…” he whispered, a few tears slipping free, unable to hold them back when he heard his brother’s voice, “I…I should have thought about what I was doing…drinking so much-”
“Hey hey hey,” Virgil interrupted, “I know you’re hurting.” he answered softly, “I hate that you turned to the bottle, I’ll be honest. You saw what it did to Dad-” Roman twitched, his breath hitching, “-but I would rather know you’re not okay than nothing at all.”
Roman was quiet for a few moments, sniffling softly and trying to wipe away the tears quickly, “I’m sorry, Virge…” he whispered, pulling a blanket around his shoulders and curling up on the couch, “It’s all going to shit.”
Roman woke up late the next day, his phone on the floor beside the couch, drool dried on his cheek as he tried to shift off his stomach and twisting onto his elbow. He grimaced as he unlocked his phone, squinting at the bright backlight, groaning when he opened Virgil’s message.
[Dark and Fab Bro: I’ve got a flight back to your place. I’ll be there around evening.]
[Dark and Fab Bro: I’m one my way to the airport.]
[Dark and Fab Bro: About to board, I’ll see you in a while.]
Roman took a deep breath and groaned, rubbing his face and checking the time. Nine a.m. It was a good thing he’d sent his boss a text before he fell asleep the night before…he was in no shape to go to work.
A shape flickered in his peripheral, looking up and jumping when he spotted Patton at the top of the stairs. He was dressed in his usual polo, cardigan wrapped around his shoulders, his hair a right mess but his glasses were clean and he’d clearly had a shower.
“Ro…can we talk now?”
Roman felt the twist in his chest, the acidic burn of hate in his stomach, but he nodded, “Yeah…” he whispered, “Yeah, we should.”
Patton slowly made his way down the stairs. Roman saw Patton’s shoes and felt his heart sink to his feet.
Patton sat on the recliner nearby, clasping his hands together in his lap and taking a deep breath as Roman sat, bracing himself on his thighs, “So…”
Roman went quiet, staring at his empty wine glass and bottle as Patton took another deep breath, “I know it’s taken you a long time to…accept that we need to talk.” Patton spoke slowly, his voice low and resigned, “I know what I did was…awful. I can’t tell you what I was thinking at the time or…why I did it. I can’t excuse what I’ve done.”
Roman couldn’t help but feel like his world was cracking around him, the life and world he thought was going exactly the way it was supposed to be. He could see it fracturing around him.
“I can’t justify my actions or explain what I did as right or fair in any way…because it wasn’t. I…I don’t know what I was thinking.” he gripped his hands closer together, “But all I can say is I’m sorry and…”
Roman swallowed hard, trying to keep himself together as he felt the rest of his life falling apart. In a tiny part of his heart, he’d been wishing for a reason. Wishing in some way that he could explain it away. Maybe, it wasn’t what he’d thought…
“And staying here right now is hurting us both.” he continued, his voice evening out but no less sad or resigned, “You didn’t have to stay but you did, you did because I begged but this…this was never right. It wasn’t right or fair to you…or me.”
Roman tried to take a deep breath, but he could feel his chest threatening to collapse, his hands shaking as he tried to keep himself together. The last thing yet to fall apart.
“It wasn’t fair to…to ask you stay while you’re hurting…to expect you to be ready to talk to me so soon.” Patton swallowed hard, his voice wobbling, “To expect you to be willing to listen to me after I…after I completely shattered any and all trust you had in me.”
Roman swallowed hard, “Pat-”
“So, to be fair to us both…” Patton drew in a breath through his nose, “I’m going to stay with my mother.”
Roman’s heart shattered, staring at the glass in front of him. It had been hard enough to keep seeing that moment in his nightmares, when he heard Patton’s voice or saw his face or…if he dared to attempt to go upstairs, but…
Now it’s real.
“No, Patton.” he answered, “You’re staying here.”
“Roman-”
He got to his feet and swept up his blazer and shirt, “You made this a home.” he spoke softly, “You’re not leaving.”
“Roman!” Patton got to his feet as Roman moved around the couch, slipping on his work shoes.
“I’ll find a motel or something-”
“Roman!” Patton’s voice cracked and Roman froze, swallowing hard and gripping the couch, “I broke this home already.” he spoke sadly, “I’ve broken you enough already.” Roman’s shoulders drew up and he ducked his head with a hard swallow.
“Okay…okay, fine.” Roman whispered, dropping his blazer and shirt to the floor, stepping out of his shoes as tears stung his eyes and fell, “S-so…”
“Oh…Ro…”
Roman tried to take a deep breath, “W-we should…do coffee or…something.” he whispered, “To…talk about…the future.”
Patton nodded, moving toward the front door and it was only then that Roman saw the suitcases packed at the door. He barely swallowed a broken whimper, watching his…his husband open the door and step outside.
Roman couldn’t help but feel numb, stumbling to his phone as he listened to the silence settle over his apartment, shaking as he texted Virgil and Logan.
[Roman: Patton just left. I need some company. Please.]
Once he pressed send, it all crashed down around him. He had wanted to deny and ignore it, hoping maybe the anger and pain would fade or maybe he could…could forgive Patton in some way. But there was no reason, no excuse, not even an attempt to save his own skin. Just apologies…which made Roman feel worse.
A wounded, heartbroken wail tore from his throat, dropping his phone as he fell to his knees on the floor, sobbing pathetically into his hands. A week’s worth of pain and betrayal poured free from him, his voice going raw as he sobbed and wailed.
It didn’t take much for the pain to switch to anger, the acid flooding up, clouding his vision and rationality. He gripped the bottle, screaming as he threw it against the wall, not aware the door had opened until it shattered, the drywall crumbling a little from the force.
“Roman…” Logan’s voice was a quiet pool of tranquility in the rush of his rage, a cool glass of water to the fire of hatred consuming him, clearing away the burning roar in his ear to show him the shattered remains of his life and of himself.
He turned to his friend, realising the tears on his cheeks, his breath heaving as he shook on unsteady feet, “Lo…?”
Logan inched into the apartment, closing the door gently behind him, “What happened?” his voice was low and gentle, his eyes calm and free of judgement, full of cool and gentle concern.
Roman’s hands balled into fists, his legs shaking, “Patton…he…I caught him-” his throat constricted and his chest spasmed, but now…now Roman let the tears fall, “He was…in our bed!” he threw the wine glass after the bottle, watching it shatter.
Logan continued to move closer, “I don’t understand.” he spoke slowly, almost into the living room.
“I caught him wrapped around Dee!” Roman wailed, throwing his pillow off the couch, “Screaming his name in our bed!” Logan jerked in surprise, eyes widening, “And he didn’t even had a reason! He wasn’t drunk! He wasn’t angry at me! He just-” Roman faltered, a rogue thought crossing his mind, realising he was clutching the pillow in his grip.
“Ro…” Logan’s voice was cool, right behind him, gentle and worried, “Ro, I know you’re angry-”
A strangled, heartbroken whimper escaped him, before he turned to Logan, eyes wide and wild and full of agony, “Did he ever love me?” he whispered, searching for an answer in Logan, hoping for something in Logan, “Was I not enough?” He hiccuped, “What did I do wrong?”
Logan pressed one of his cool hands to Roman’s cheek, silencing him quickly, “I understand that you are trying to rationalise what happened in your mind.” Roman was staring into Logan’s eyes, desperate for something, anything to cling to. “I understand that you are in pain that I could never even imagine-” Logan saw Roman sway, moving to steady him, “But what Patton did was his decision and you won’t know until you ask.”
Roman moved pliantly as Logan pulled him toward the couch, sitting him down and brushing his hair from his eyes, “What do I do?” he whispered.
Logan offered one of his rare smiles, cupping his cheek gently and brushing the tears away as best he could, “I know I would never say this under any other circumstance…” Roman’s eyes glittered, “But for now, just let yourself feel.”
Roman pulled the pillow against his chest, curling up and sobbing as Logan sat beside him, petting his hair until Roman had cried out all of his energy, lying him down and tucking him into the heavy blankets.
“Now, rest.” Logan brushed his hair back, offering another rare, small smile, cleaning Roman’s face gently before turning on one of Roman’s favourite Disney movies.
Every so often, Roman’s eyes would stray from the movie, searching for Logan and finding him somewhere in the home. Washing the dishes, or cleaning up the broken glass, even calling for the drywall to be fixed. The movie ended and Logan started a new one, making sure Roman was comfortable, getting him to drink some water and eat a sandwich.
Then he returned to cleaning up, taking Roman’s clothes upstairs and stripping the bed. When he came downstairs with the sheets, Roman’s eyes filled with tears, sobbing softly into the pillows and Logan quickly tossed them into the machine.
With the apartment cleaned as much as possible, he sat beside Roman, letting his childhood friend drag himself upright and curl into his side. Logan smiled gently, running his fingers through his hair, making sure he was tucked into the blanket properly. Roman sobbed softly into his shoulder, crying himself to sleep, and Logan sent Virgil a quick text.
It took a few weeks before Roman could reply to any of Patton’s invitations to coffee, and planning it had been hard. But Virgil had opted to support him, staying for those weeks and helping Roman pick his life back up. Logan helped him get back on track at work, offering rational support when Roman’s mind tried to run away with his emotions.
But sitting in the cafe, fidgeting with his porcelain cup, he felt like he was being ripped raw all over again. All the same…it was best that he faced this.
He sighed, shifting in the comfort of Virgil’s sweatshirt. It was an old one, one that Roman remembered from his adolescence…and it still smelled like home. Or maybe Virgil was the smell of home…he wasn’t sure.
He’d been so lost in thought he hadn’t noticed Patton enter, or go and order his own coffee in a takeaway cup. Or, that Patton had approached.
Patton gently cleared his throat, spooking Roman from his thoughts, “Hey.”
Roman blinked up at him as Patton slid into the seat opposite him. He didn’t look much better than Roman did, but more put together than Roman did. “Hi.”
Roman noticed the takeaway cup in Patton’s hand. Hm, maybe this would end faster than he thought…
“How are you doing?” Patton asked gently, sipping his drink.
Roman sighed deeply, “Somewhat better.” he answered quietly, “And you?”
Guilt flickered over Patton’s face but it faded quickly, lowering his drink and cupping it in his hands, “Better.” he answered softly, taking a deep breath and swallowed hard, “I…I know I hurt you when I left…”
Roman took a sip of his coffee and nodded slowly, “It did. It…made it real.” he spoke softly, “Up until then, I had been…trying to avoid it. Scared to…I dunno…accept that it happened.” he shrugged and sighed, scratching at his ceramic cup.
Patton took a deep breath, “It took a long time for me to understand what…and why I did it.” he answered softly, “I…don’t want to upset you here so I wrote a letter.” he pulled the small envelope from his jacket and gently set it on the table, “And…well, everything is in there, so if you want, I can just…leave…?”
Roman took a deep breath, “Just…a few questions.” he whispered, “Things I…need to hear out of your mouth.”
He could see that Patton really didn’t want to stay, or hear the kinds of questions Roman would ask but he nodded, scratching anxiously at his paper cup, “Alright.” he whispered.
He took a deep breath, “Was it something I did?” he asked softly.
“No.” he answered softly, shaking his head, “It…wasn’t you. At all.”
Roman took a deep breath, “Are you…staying with him?” he asked, voice small and vulnerable, sipping his coffee.
Patton hesitated, sipping his own drink before he took a deep breath, “Yeah, I am.” his voice soft and resigned.
He nodded slowly and fidgeted with his cup, “So…” Roman closed his eyes and swallowed hard, taking a deep breath. He wasn’t going to do this here. Not now. He forced himself to push his thoughts to the back of his mind.
“Oh, Ro…”
Roman shook his head, taking a deep breath and breathing it out slowly, “I should go.” he said softly, picking up the letter and swallowing hard, clearing his throat when he felt a lump try and block his throat.
“You don’t have to go.” Patton protested, moving to get up as Roman did.
“Patton, I can see you’re uncomfortable.” he answered quietly, “So I won’t keep you.” he tucked the letter under his arm, “I…appreciate the effort you made to…write the letter.” He gave Patton a strained smile, before walking to the door.
The first tear fell before he’d even made it outside.
Virgil curled up against his side, his arm wrapped around his shoulders as Roman stared down at the letter, biting his lip. “I’ve got you, Ro.” he whispered gently, “I know this will be upsetting, but I’ve got you.”
Roman opened the letter, swallowing hard as he unfolded it. Virgil read along with him, the pair silent as they read quietly. As Roman flipped to the last page, his heart cracked, breath catching in his lungs.
“Oh, Ro…” Virgil whispered, pulling him closer, Roman dropped the page, jerking when something clunked against the hardwood floor. A golden ring peeked out from under the envelope, Roman’s lip quivering as tears flooded his eyes.
“Virgil…” his voice broke, curling into Virgil’s side and burying his face in Virgil’s shoulder, whimpering.
Virgil pulled his younger brother closer, gently running his fingers through his hair, “We’ve got you.” he whispered.
Roman sagged into his older brother, “He’s divorcing me?” he whimpered, crying hard into Virgil’s shoulder as his older brother held him tightly, “He hurt me and now he’s…doing this?”
Virgil squeezed him closer, “Don’t you worry about a thing right now, Roman.” he assured gently, “Logan and I will look after you.” he whispered, “Right now, you process and heal.”
It took a very long time for Roman to come to terms with what had happened. It had taken a long time for Roman to even talk about what he walked in on that night. The way his heart shattered into a million pieces, the way he threw Dee out and he and Patton fought. How Patton had begged Roman to stay and the idiot he was, he stayed.
It took a few weeks and endless re-reads of the letter for it to sink in for Roman. Years of marriage, hopes and dreams they’d shared and worked for…ending. It was like Roman was taking baths in acid, realising over and over again that the life he’d dreamed of was over…and a bleak, vast future was ahead of him.
The options alone were daunting, terrifying even.
His first big step to recovery…was finding his passion for the arts again. He didn’t dream as big as before, no, no Broadway or silver screen…least not yet. But he found solace in voice acting. Enjoyed voice acting. Hell, Virgil and Logan both grinned when they found out he was the new voice of a deeply loved villain.
And they were even more pleased when he did their favourite character justice.
It took a few more weeks from there, more falls into pity and self-loathing, some peaks and more valleys, but eventually…he found himself standing in front of his mirror.
Something he did, honestly every day. He tugged gently as his crisp black blazer, adjusting his dark blue tie, feeling Logan’s hands on his shoulders as the nerd stood behind him.
“Nervous?” Logan asked, a small smile on his lips as Roman gave him a wobbly one back.
“I mean, yeah.” he answered, “First premiere…” he whispered, “At some point, I’d given up on this, ya know.”
Logan smirked and leaned into Roman’s ear, “Like I gave up on Virgil?” he whispered.
Roman sighed, “Honestly, I feel bad that he moved back…”
The nerd rolled his eyes, “You know your brother would have been calling you day and night if he had.” he squeezed Roman’s shoulders, “He worries for you, constantly.”
Roman smirked, “Now you take some of it too.” he teased, laughing softly as Logan bat his shoulder.
“Yes, well…I hadn’t expected Virgil to be capable of managing my self-care better than his own.”
“You’re looking out for his, right?”
“Yes?”
“Then does it really matter?”
Logan smiled softly as he adjusted his cuff links, “No. I suppose not.”
“Oi!” Virgil’s voice echoed up from the lower story, “Roman, you’re date is here!”
Roman blushed slightly as he heard the offended screech from downstairs and he chuckled, covering his mouth. There, in his reflection, was his wedding ring.
He stared at it, lowering his hand and his gaze to the battered metal. It had been comforting to wear at first, a reminder that at one point, Patton had claimed to love him. That he was capable of being loved…more so than the bond it represented. It had taken a lot to get to that point, but-
“No! Screw you, tuts, I-” Remy’s voice trailed off when he saw Roman, pushing his shades up into his perfectly styled hair, his heels clicking slightly as he entered the room, “Could we have a moment, Logan?”
Logan nodded, “You two take all the time you need. Ro has a habit of being ‘fashionably late’…whatever that means.”
Remy snickered, “Unlike you, I am aware of the parameters of fashionably late. You’re safe.” he smirked as Logan paused at the door, “You should see your doll.” he winked and Logan blushed, huffing playfully as he closed the door behind him.
Roman felt Remy’s thin arms glide around his waist, his chin hooking over Roman’s shoulder, “Sorry, Rem, I-”
“Hey, no, shh.” he whispered, rocking them gently, “Breakups are hard.” he assured gently, “I get it.” Remy pressed a soft kiss to Roman’s cheek, “Especially for a…relationship like you had with Patton.”
Roman took a deep breath, “Ya know it still hurts…”
Remy nodded, “Your insecure days.” he answered, “I know.”
He took another slow breath, “But…ya know…” he raised his eyes to Remy’s in their reflection in the mirror, “It’s been a long time now.”
“However long it takes, is perfectly normal.”
“You sound like my brother.”
“Yeah, well, your brother’s kinda smart?”
Roman laughed softly, “But…in all seriousness.” Remy smiled gently and nodded, prompting Roman to continue. He watched as Roman slid the wedding band off his finger, flexing his fingers for the first time, “I think it’s time I take the next step.” he answered softly, “I’ve realised something.”
“Hm?”
“I’ve been holding onto this because…in many ways I was scared of what my life would look like without Patton.” he said softly, “I forgot I was already living it.” he smiled, “Why don’t you grab me those papers, huh, baby?” Remy’s eyes lit up and widened, “It’s time for our story.”
“You fucking sap!” Remy squeaked, jumping up to kiss him and Roman chuckled as he caught Remy in his arms.
“Oi! We’re gonna be late!”
Remy chuckled, “Looks like we’ll need a private ride home.” Remy hopped down, grabbing the papers and Roman let his eyes roam as he took in Remy’s dazzling, form-fitting dress that rode a little high.
“And a private box.” he winked, taking the papers from Remy and giving him a kiss, taking the letter with Patton’s ring down stairs.
Roman was ready, and although it had taken almost a year to get here…it was time to let him go. And somehow, the idea of a future wasn’t so scary.
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