Sappy post ahead- Sean if you see this, I have a brief question for you at the end of the post!
bit of a T.W for brief mention of self h*rm, eating disorder and discription of an accident involving my dad falling off a ladder. Read with caution!
I was notified on valentine's day that it's the 2 year anniversary of my PMA tattoo! (I know I'm late- shush.)
This was my very first tattoo and I had been wanting this for a good couple of years. So yes a lot of thought went behind it until I was finally old enough and had money to get it!
If you don't know, PMA stands for Positive Mental Attitude. A beautiful motto I live by that came from the brilliant mind of @therealjacksepticeye
Now I had been a very avid fan of Sean's for years. Most of the time I watched him late at night as to hide it from my very religiously strict parents at the time. I found myself watching him to the very early hours of nights that I was able to. yes even school nights.
Then there was the time I was forced to stop watching him. (whoop fun police caught me). I went on to miss almost 2 ish years of content. Only seeing clips of him posted online.
I was reintroduced to him during 2019-early 2020. I had been suffering from a traumatic event that rocked me the end of 2018. To keep the story short, my dad had fallen about 15 feet off a ladder, head first in our concrete floored garage while attempting to out Christmas decorations away- alone. I was the first to find him after hearing the crash about a solid minute after. The image of him seizing on the ground burned into my mind. In retrospect, it doesn't seem all that life altering- but for a newly 16 year old? Man, that's not a pretty sight!
Throughout 2019 I had developed serious depression, PTSD and increasing intensity of anxiety. The next few years of my dad's recovery and having to adapt to a whole new individual as my father was hard. Really hard. My dad had what's known as a TBI- a traumatic brain injury. So his recivery was tedious, scary and so so difficult. Trying to connect with a stranger posed as my dad is something I don't wish on anyone. He had turned abusive. Almost like a handsy hot rodded toddler stuck in a grown mans body.
I finally returned to school after being absent a long while- I found a video of Sean's on my FYP. I believe it was an among us video?
I had a greenhouse class and we spent the entire hour making labels for our growing plants at the time. I remember putting on the video and laughing my ASS off through it. I was so so happy. An emotion I hadn't felt in so long. I was no longer under heavy watch of my parents (whoo perks of being 16!) Mostly due to the traumatic event and the long lasting affects of recovery for it.
I became the avid watcher I once was ever since. I struggled with self harm and developed an eating disorder after the inability to deal with my sproutings of declining mental health in a healthy manner.
I learned about the introduction of PMA on Sean's channel when rewatching old content. I guess something I didn't notice as a younger viewer or completely missed (my timeline of events and being a viewer is very hard to place correctly).
I had been wanting a tattoo for a year or so at that point and had a few ideas in mind of what my first would be. Can't recall my exact age at the time. My memory is so shot A H.
But flash foreward to whatever time it was when I decided to have PMA as my first tattoo and going on my arm that I struggled with infliction with the most. I decided to put it there as a reminder but also as a deterrent to help myself reach my goal of becoming S.H clean.
So! Me and a close friend found a small tattoo artist run shop and picked a day they accepted walk-ins. I had decided a week or so prior to design the tattoo. I was a bit nervous cos I didn't know how big or glamorous I wanted it. Also afraid of my religious parents reaction. (For reference, I am religious as well but not the stricter type like older gens are)
But the idea hit, let's just get it in Sean's handwriting! Not only is it just elegant and simple, and likely to hurt less, but it just had a touch more meaning to it for me.
So comes the day I got it! It didn't hurt and I'm left with a beautiful reminder to live by.
The stars are new additions as of last year! They are actually drawn by one of Sean's Editor's, trey!
The stars! I thought about getting them as I swirled around the thought of adding something to the oma tat. So I thought of the song lyric "you drew stars around my scars".
I've been now trying to collect hand drawn stars by people who've helped me through my dark moments. Using the quote that the stars bandaged scars, new and old, I caused as an unhealthy way to get rid of the built up pain.
So now I've made it a goal to gather stars from those who've helped me and Sean is definitely high on that list.
I'll be making my left arm a sticker sleeve of stars drawn by friends and my found family with the additions of influencers that have helped me so so much.
So far I've got Trey's tattooed, and collected some from family/friends and Danny from the game grumps! but my main goal is to get some drawn by Sean himself.
But yea~ not sure how to end the post other than thanking Sean for his positive affect on my life. You mean the world to me bro!
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So Sean! If by some grace of heaven, you see this post, I'd love a star (or a few) drawn by you to add to my small "galaxy"! If you decide to want to be included, they can be drawn in any design and size that you want. That's what makes it unique to you! I just ask that it's able to be traceable for my future tattoo artist to trace over 💜
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If you made it to the end of the post, thank you truely for reading it and seeing a small peek into my life 💜
~ DJ 🌼
Photos of the tattoo below! Fresh - 2 years healed
