#dnfrant

[definitelynotfrankincense]

One of the subsets of the Depression Diet is being hungry, wanting to eat, but knowing that if you eat, you have to brush and floss your teeth and you don't have the will to do that and your teeth are more valuable than your life so you just don't eat

[definitelynotfrankincense]

The closest grocery store has had armed police at the store's entrance for a while now. The kind who always have their hand hovering over their gun, too.

I don't understand how anyone feels safer like this

[definitelynotfrankincense]

"It isn't meant for me" "Even if it's offered, it isn't actually mine to take"

Reaching out the only way you can without spreading more infectious pain, and still coming back with an empty palm

Screaming and crying like a useless baby didn't work the last time you tried it either, so why bother

Everything laid so terrifying, embarrassingly bare yet still incomprehensible to all but your ghosts

Fruitless

Trying to word things in a way that isn't dishonest but isn't scathing or accusatory is a near impossible task when all the space around you is going to remain just as empty as you were briefly too optimistic to see it always was and always will be

So just don't say anything anymore

Be even less than you are

Even though there isn't a space far enough or small enough for you to take up that isn't in the way

"The world is more beautiful for you having been in it"

Not beautiful enough to tether, and that stain has more than covered it, even if it's the prettiest blue you could imagine

So gather up your courage one day, gather all of it up

And hope that if it's ever remembered, that it's at least a little bit blue, too

[definitelynotfrankincense]

Arguing about the ethics of P5R's boss has taught me just how much I've given up on humanity

tl;dr: Maruki was right and I'm not changing my mind

[definitelynotfrankincense]

I've found something frustrating about the slow switching of social circles.

Dramatic changes in where I sit on the ladder of knowledge on various subjects, and exhibited neurodiverse traits. I got really used to being at or near the top or bottom of either of those, but those positions have inverted with this new circle.

It's an entirely different dynamic that I really struggle with adjusting to.

[definitelynotfrankincense]

The thing they don't tell you about your 30's is that the rest of your life is spent anticipating who's going to die or be dealing with death next. And you don't get a break.

[definitelynotfrankincense]

People who initially came from tumblr and went to twitter after the nut ban still make the argument that you’re responsible for your own experience. It's mostly true on here, but it is not and never has been true over there or on most other platforms.

Tumblr has tags separate from the post itself; users can easily block content they don’t like as long as everyone follows the courtesy of properly tagging their stuff. Not everyone does this, especially people who reblog. Please, I am begging you, tag your reblogs.

Twitter pretends to have hashtags, but the majority of people don’t actually use them, or any semblance of keywords. They’ll just throw literally anything out there and it’ll show up on your feed either through algorithmic nonsense or someone you follow retweeting it, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You have shit you hate thrown in your face because people will draw the most stomach-churning stuff and only say something like “hehe” instead of tagging it. Twitter does not have a tagging culture.

Every day on that shitty site sucked because the people I followed were half into things I really really like and half into things I really really hate. So my only option would be to not follow anyone, stay off the home page, and exclusively use the search function for anything I want to see, and I’d also be missing over half of it because NOBODY TAGGED THEIR SHIT SO I CAN’T FIND IT

[definitelynotfrankincense]

It’s natural for friends to drift apart if they don’t have any interests or activities in common anymore. I’ve drifted from plenty of people for those reasons. We may say hi every once in a while, acknowledge we don’t have anything in common anymore, but express we still care and hope we’re both doing well.

But I’m in a unique position now. One of my closest friends, who I initially bonded with over something obscure that I felt too embarrassed to talk to anyone else about. It wasn’t something bad, but it was generally disliked and is still too embarrassing to actually give a name to even now. We haven’t had much in common for a long time now, but we’ve checked in with each-other pretty often. Reaffirm that we still feel strongly about our friendship at least once a month for years. We haven’t spoken of that thing for a long time now, and I thought it was just one of those things they lost interest in but would be cool with still remembering, since it’s what brought us together. So I brought it up. Turns out they actually hate it now. Doesn’t want anything to do with it. Doesn’t want to hear about it. Doesn’t want to remember it exists.

And uh. Wow. That hurts way more than it ought to. Way more than it has any right to. It’s something so small and unimportant in the grand scheme of things, but it was something I liked very much, way too much, and only had that one person to ever talk to about it. It kind of feels like I’m also being called bad. I’m too scared to continue that conversation with them. Even if they turn out to be fine with me still liking it, it’ll still feel like I’ve lost them as a friend in a way since that thing was why we met and what we bonded over. I associate them with that. Being able to talk to them about that had made it feel like I could talk to them about anything. It feels like I can’t anymore, so now there’s an entire side of me that I had gotten used to finally being able to share, that I have to bury again.

This sucks. This feeling sucks. And it happened on an already bad day that was also a bad day for just about anyone that I’m friends with, so I can’t even vaguely complain about it to the other people I love and care about. Because again, it’s something stupid, and something too embarrassing to give a name to. Everyone, including myself, have bigger problems than feeling bad about a dumb favorite thing being disliked. I presently have bigger things to worry about, but this is what set me off today.