#dobelas diary

[beladobela-ffxiv]

03 Second Astral Moon, 13th Sun

I write with my fingers still tingling with excitement! Mother took me to the Golden Saucer!  It didn’t seem to be a special occasion of any sort and she never likes it when I ask why she does certain things. Truth be told, I’d been hesitant to ask about going! Mother and Father are always so busy I worry that my requests bother them sometimes.  We had so much fun together, Mother and I! I’d forgotten how much she hates to lose. I believe I’ve gotten a bit of that trait from her. Our luck was poor when it came to the games, but quite the opposite when it came to the chance opportunities. She said I was too young to gamble but allowed me to pick her numbers.  Isn’t that just roundabout. I wish we could have stayed longer but she was called after a few hours. I’m going to commit every second to memory. Next time I hope Father can go too. 

[beladobela-ffxiv]

13th Sun, First Umbral Moon (Cont.)

The journal rested by candlelight, illuminating the pages with a soft orange glow on a table barely catching moonbeams just outside the window.

I had to continue my entry from earlier today! After meeting with Father I attended my training. In all honesty I was prepared to be disappointed with myself as I had not done much in terms of practice. Often I tell myself to do more but I end up distracted by one thing or the other.

Still, tonight I am so excited because I've learned how to meditate! I never thought that simply sitting down and relaxing was a method of training! Of course this is not all there is to it but in it's most simple terms I'm meant to let my mind remain clear for a prolong amount of time. I learned this from another student at the school, Iona. She is incredibly tall! I also had to spar with her and lost in a spectacular fashion. I've always known Highlanders to be large but I have never needed to be in such close quarters with one but she was so kind, a bit awkward as well but I found it comforting.

I plan to try meditation tonight, I would really like to take it seriously then I'll be able to suprise my instructor for the next lesson! Surely he'll be shocked!

[beladobela-ffxiv]

10th Sun, First Umbral Moon

The leather booklet smelled of fresh paper still, filled with crisp pages that almost taunted the young woman it sat in front of. Engraved in the bottom left corner were the initials D.B.

I suppose I'll start with today. 

Today I received this journal from Mother as a present for my 17th birthday. It was a really nice gift along with the two dresses she and father gave me. They've been paying attention to what catches my eye, I think? Father also got me a vest to wear on my outings, I'm very excited to wear it tomorrow! 

We had a nice dinner before I went to my class, I really do like braised eft.

My class today wasn't so good. After the practice last week and talking with Shoshohosa (high level students) I had been feeling confident? Not exactly confident maybe? But I did feel encouraged like I was on the right track. 

Yet today I was left in the dust again. The instructor does his best to explain things to me and I hate feeling like I'm holding things back. I was told to practice something????? 

How do you keep your focus while staying aware of things around you?? What does that even mean??? 

It made me really upset because I like my instructor. He doesn't force me to speak, and he sounds a bit like Mother and I when he talks too. Nobody in the class is mean to each other really. It makes me look forward to going every week. I've been doing my push ups and sit ups before bed every night and now I can do five of each easily!!

I want to talk to Father about today's lesson but I don't think he takes it very seriously. He likes that I can defend myself he says but he teases me about getting too strong. I don't want to look like a gladiator training just makes me feel happy. And in control, in a sense. It's weird but I enjoy it. It would be nice if I had a friend or two to chat about it with. 

That's probably why Mother got me this. I am bad at making friends. 

[beladobela-ffxiv]

13th Sun, First Umbral Moon

Faded smell of cigar hung in the room like a blanket that, in a way, comforted both occupants.

Today I write this from my Father's office. He called me here and hasn't said anything yet.

He does this a lot actually, summoning me for no particular reason. Things go about the same each time, he works on his designs and I sit on the one loveseat by his worktable. When I was younger I used to doodle, thinking I was doing something similar to his job, but now I idle for how ever long until we part ways again.

I don't hate the silence. He tries to question me about my day-to-day and I try to inquire about his work. Neither of us are very chatty and sometimes it feels a bit awkward. The older I become the less I have to share. Even now I only began writing to make the silence less uncomfortable.

I feel guilty for some reason.

As if I should be entertaining him somehow. Both he and Mother work very hard between the mining company and my Father's creations I see them spending less and less time together. Maybe he calls me here because he gets lonely? I think it would be rude to ask.

He asked what I was writing but I'm not supposed to tell anyone. He laughed when I said so.

I would like to get a snack to share with him. It was something I used to do before we moved to this bigger home. But I have my training soon and it me feel sick when I eat before attending. I also don't like going into the kitchen. Not that the staff Mother hired is rude but I feel as if I'm bothering them. Its strange and a bit stressful to have people working in the house during the day.