Letting Go in All the Wrong Ways || Shadow on the Moon
Characters: Menodora Butterfly-Johansen, Oswald Marks (@oswaldxmarks)
Date: 29 Sept 2024
Summary: Post-Mjaunie, Moon invites Oswald over for Blackberry Danishes. Things take a turn.
Content Warnings: Depression Mention, Bug Mentions, uhhhhh…#swynsmut??
Read Here (Ellipsus). Or, In the Reblog under a Cut**
this seems outlandish even by doc’s standards. this is not a job he’d ever imagined himself having, it seems far too pretentious for him. but still, money is money, and doc isn’t one to turn away a well paying job, no matter how strange it may be. he’s already been shown to where he’ll be working for the foreseeable future, so he’s taken it upon himself to wander the halls and say hello to anyone he finds. in the next room over, there’s a kind enough looking gentleman, and doc clears his throat as he stands in the doorway, hands tucked into the pockets of his cardigan.
“hey. i’m marco - well, morgan now, i guess,” he sighs. there’s too many damn nicknames under his belt for him to keep track of. “most people just call me doc. take your pick. i guess i’m kingsman’s new doctor.” he leans heavily in the door frame - already far too comfortable in his surroundings. “so which one are you? i’ve already met arthur, galahad, and the guy who brought me here - i think he’s gawain? i know him as my malpractice professor from med school, so this is quite the surreal experience for me.” he’ll stop talking eventually.
“you’re going to be fine,” doc’s voice is calm, collected, despite the speed with which he moves. he strips off his cardigan and folds it up carefully to gently press it against the other’s side. “i’m a doctor, my name’s marco. i’ll take care of this, okay?” this is hardly his first dingy back alley. “i’m gonna get you to a hospital, but i’m gonna have to press on this a little harder, okay? hold on-” doc pauses and takes his wallet out of his pocket, “bite this if you have to.”
“you’re bleeding on my floor.” it’s not necessarily a criticism, more an observation. it’s not as though people don’t often bleed on doc’s floor, but he’s less inclined to want to help when said person is unceremoniously dumped in doc’s chair by a mutual acquaintance. “you got a name, or are you another of one’s ghost friends?” he raises an eyebrow, the first facial expression he shows besides indifference. he rifles through his medkit for a pair of gloves before he does anything else.
@lexpxrdus liked for a starter! [for six, from a very suddenly decided and undeveloped 6 underground AU for doc]
Characters: Stella Butterfly, Menodora Perhonen, River Johansen
When: Sometime in Spring, 2021
Summary: One of the last arguments between Stella and Menodora.
ft. @stellabfly
Read: Doc, or Read Below
🌙 Menodora Perhonen
—
[The Halls of the Perhonen Estate. Some years ago.]
"We are not discussing this anymore, Stella," Moon says, doing her best to ignore whatever excuse her daughter had planned. Her training was off-course, her magic was erratic. She was far too much a wild child than a proper candidate for countess. Moon's patience is thinner today than normal. "And if you must sulk, can you not do so like a ghost in every room? It's unbecoming."
Which truly is the best thing that Moon can say, isn't it?
Stella needed to stop being so emotional about such things. Travelling! Isn't it exciting? Shouldn't she be excited to have been encouraged this way.
'Baby' -- the nickname for her godmother -- had even helped Moon find suitable housing for Stella. A real house. And sure, it would be no estate, but Stella should be happy!
"Oh, don't give me that look," Moon says, attempting to soften. "You ought to be packing, getting ready for your grand adventure!"
🌟 Stella Butterfly
—
Was she perhaps too old to be throwing a tantrum? Yes. But she was also too old to be treated like a child. So if that’s what her mother saw her as—a petulant baby with a bad attitude—that’s how she would act.
“I don’t think we’ve even discussed it! It’s just been you telling me what to do, over and over again like all you ever do!” She retorts, stamping her foot.
She leans against the wall, folding her arms. “it’s unbecoming,” she mimics in a high voice, quietly. But still loud enough for her mother to hear.
She pouts, her nose scrunching at her nostrils. Her brow furrowed grumpily.
Packing. Adventure. Like this was all some wonderful getaway. She knows what it is. She’s being sent away for not being good enough. She wasn’t countess material so they were getting rid of her until she was.
“If it’s so grand of an adventure, you go on it,” Stella snaps, rolling her eyes. “It’s not fair; you never got sent away for training!” What’s so wrong with her that she has to be sent away?
🌙 Menodora Perhonen
—
Moon tries to indulge listening to Stella's complaints, but it all goes awry when Star mimics her and Moon turns sharply, and gives Stella a warning glare. It's wordless, but clear.
Her own mother had only worn that expression once or twice in Moon's entire life that Moon could remember.
They're standing in the hall, outside one of the studies. Moon's cheeks flush as Stella snaps at her and Moon would normally not even tolerate this level of impertinence but, sure, Stella was angry and Moon did understand it. Still, her face flushes and she has to will those pink diamonds from appearing on her cheeks.
Don't, not now…
"Sometimes things aren't fair, Stella. And sometimes you just don't recognize an opportunity when it's right in front of you," Moon says, trying to level her voice. In earnest, she wasn't -- usually -- easily upset. Somehow, fights with Star shortened the wick significantly. "And my circumstances were much different, Stella, and you know it."
She says it but doesn't elaborate. Sure, Stella knew her mother became Countess at sixteen, the youngest countess in generations. The circumstances surrounding that, however, were something Moon did her best to obscure. Still, Star's words stung harshly. "I really don't appreciate this tone from you, young lady. You really should--"
Moon doesn't get the chance to finish, and she's glad of it. Her voice had risen and it would truly be unbecoming of her.
River opens the door of the study, and Moon turns away from him, still flustered. "What's going on out here," he asks, looking between his daughter and wife. "Are you two... Okay?"
🌟 Stella Butterfly
—
Her mother shoots her a look, but Star remains unmoved by it. Perhaps there was a time where it would have shut her up and shut her down. But right now, she’s too hurt to be compelled into submission. She was not going to take this lying down. She was not going to be kicked out of her home for nothing without a fight.
She just glares back at her mother. Not as hardened or intimidating, but it was a clear mirror.
“This isn’t an opportunity!! This is you all being mad that I’m not little miss perfect like you! So you’re getting rid of me!” She responds, her voice growing a little louder.
And she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know anything about that, not really. Because everything was kept so secret from her! How was she expected to learn and grow if they didn’t even trust her with her family’s history?
“And I don’t appreciate this tone from you—” she starts, but stops as the door opens. Stella hugs herself and looks away from both of her parents, pouting again.
Pouting made it sound so childish, though. It was hurt. It was a deep hurt that she couldn’t even begin to process. All her life she was told she was meant for one thing. And now she’s being sent away because she’s not good enough for that thing. It felt like not only was she being removed from her home, but like she was being removed entirely from the family. Being sent somewhere so they could stay here and say ‘what heir? The Butterflys have no heir.’
“Tell her I’m not going,” Stella says, still not looking at either of her parents, but clearly talking to her father. “Tell her she’s being irrational and annoying.”
🌙 Menodora Perhonen
—
"I really wish you wouldn't be so pessimistic about this," Moon says, exasperated. In a way, Moon was slightly envious. She'd never travelled. Her mother has. Star was going to. And besides that, saying what she had is an easy mask for all the other feelings she had about Star's words, roiling like acid in her heart. Little Miss Perfect... ha, Stella.
Sure. There were high expectations set for Stella, but Moon did the best she could to keep Star out of trouble and away from the Commission's scrutiny. Even with those efforts, it clearly wasn't enough. Star clearly wasn't taking any of this seriously.
It's all these caustic, lingering secrets that are corroding their relationship.
River looks at Stella, surprised. Turns to Moon with a searching look, then looks away. Towards Stella again.
"Stella, honey--," River starts, and Moon doesn't know why she does it, if something inside her has snapped, but she can't help it.
"Don't indulge her. Don't--"
"Menodora."
And it's the full name that nearly breaks her. River rarely used her full name, and especially not in that tone. She bites the inside of her lip. Raises her head, trying to maintain some amount of control in the situation.
"You're being, maybe not irrational and annoying," River says, trying to calm her, "but don't you think it's a bit harsh? This is the only home she knows."
Moon pinches the bridge of her nose, looks at Stella even if Stella's not looking back. "It's not entirely up to me, is it? You can call me cold, but the Commission was very clear about Stella's training. It's way off track. And starting fires in the rye fields and not even being able to pass some simple tests--"
She's getting worked up. She's being very Un-Countess-like. Moon takes a deep breath.
"It's decided, Stella."
"Moon, dear--"
"Don't take her side on this."
🌟 Stella Butterfly
—
So pessimistic? She wasn't being pessimistic--she knows she could have fun wherever she gets sent, it's the fact that she didn't want to leave. She didn't want to get kicked out of her own home because, what? she wasn't good enough for some stupid old traditions?
Her father tries to say something, but no. Moon wouldn't have that. That wasn't his job. His job was to support her, at least in her mother's eyes. That's how it always went when they argued. River was urged to take Moon's side. Or he took neither side. Nobody ever took Stella's side. At least that's how she felt about it all.
She doesn't like hearing her parents argue, though. She doesn't like knowing she's the cause of it.
Her mother starts to list off things Stella has done wrong. Not even being able to pass some simple tests. Stella feels her eyes well with tears. Maybe they were simple to her mother, but they weren't for her. It just didn't make sense. And the way that did make sense for her was wrong according to everyone else. It's not fair. She didn't ask for this--she didn't want any of this.
Stella pulls her wand out of her waistband, and slams her fist against the wall, the hearts on her cheeks flaring up a deep shade of red, almost glowing, as a seam in the wall spiderwebs out from where her hand made contact, something thick and shimmering like an oil spill starting to bubble out of the seam before it all dissipates, like its getting sucked back into her hand. The glow from her fades, and her grip on her wand is tight. No sign of what she had done ever there. But enough to get her mother's attention, even for a second. maybe enough to remind her that while she might not be good at the magic her mother and the commission wanted her to do, she was still pretty damn good at magic. .
"Why don't I get a say in this? Just because you didn't? That's not fair!" She doesn't care about keeping her voice down anymore. Her father's already found them arguing, and at this point, what would anyone else do? Send her away? "I'm not you! Stop trying to make me be you!"
🌙 Menodora Perhonen
—
Why couldn't Stella see this would be for her benefit? She may not like it now, but she would. Eventually. It was the change to explore new magic, and have some correspondence lessons with Glossaryck. And it wasn't like she could never come home. It was just that she would take her studies and training elsewhere. It wasn't like banishment.
Menodora's tired of this. She's ready to put this behind her, to simply walk away, but Stella's acting erratically. Slamming her fist on the wall, causing her magic to act unpredictably. This is why she has to learn control. Exactly this. These outbursts could one day hurt someone, and how is she meant to protect anyone if she wasn't able to control herself?
"Life's not always fair, Stella," Moon snaps back, again, more harsh than she means.
She knows it's harsh because River turns to her with a concerned look on his face. Don't do this, River, Moon thinks. And he does exactly what she doesn't want, which is walk up to her and take her hands. It was calming, it always had been. When he took her hands, or rested his palms on her upper arms, just trying to soothe her. She may not like to admit it, but she did have a habit of overstressing. Not just working herself up over Stella, but just over anything.
"Moonbeam, honey. Be kind. Please."
To which, Moon has to consider whether or not she's right or not. No matter how much she tries to think from Star's perspective, the sight of the oil spill and Star's heart cheek marks glowing just circled her back to the exact reasoning that they were sending Star to train elsewhere. Because–
"You're right, you're not me. I wouldn't be pitching a tantrum over this! Throwing an unbecoming fit over something like this! It's training, not exile!" .
River tightens his grip on her hands, and there's something there that Moon can't place. He's not letting go and Moon can tell another conversation was waiting after this one. Internally, she groans. Neither of them understood the predicament she was in. They were in.
"Stella, I'm listening," River says, though he's not looking at her. He's looking at Moon with a serious expression. One that she understands the intent behind, all too clearly. They're listening. Moon wasn't meant to interrupt what Stella was going to say and while Moon wants to protest and tell River that he was being unreasonable, she doesn't. She inhales sharply, then tries to settle on the exhale.
Fine.
Moon looks down at River's hands holding hers. Moon figures enough resignation had registered on her face.
"Okay, we're listening," River says, "what would you like us to hear?"
🌟 Stella Butterfly
—
She wants to just scream. Words aren't forming, thoughts aren't forming, she just wants to yell and scream and maybe make something catch on fire, but she doesn't. Just tightens her grip on her wand, growing more rigid. While her cheeks aren't glowing, the hearts are definitely a dark and stormy color. Televising her anger and frustration, at least a little.
Her father tries again to get Moon to listen. Taking her hands, trying to calm her. And there's a part of her that wishes he had come to her, to hold her and comfort her.
And then her mother snaps back with something else and Star does let out a loud frustrated groan that's definitely closer to a scream. Just short. "You don't understand ANYTHING!" she snaps back, the tears in her eyes from anger, not sadness.
River promises he's listening. She doubts it. She doubts either of them were listening. They might hear her, but they weren't listening.
What would she like them to hear? Well she has a few less than professional responses that come to mind. She could just scream really loud. She could curse, that would probably make her mother faint.
"I want you to hear that I hate this plan," Stella says sternly. "That I hate that you're listening to the commission over your own daughter. I HATE that you don't even try to get to know me!! You just see me as a thing for you to control! You just see me as a worse version of yourself! And I HATE HOW EASY IT IS FOR YOU TO JUST GET RID OF ME BECAUSE YOU THINK I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!" She's yelling, she's crying. Her father isn't looking at her but even if he was it wouldn't matter, because she's just glaring at her mother.
🌙 Menodora Perhonen
—
How had they devolved into this? How had Moon lost her cold so quickly, how had Stella become so hot-tempered. When she was younger, Moon used to do her hair. She would braid small sections and give her little braided crowns. Now, Moon can't imagine them being so close again.
Expectations were crushing.
Stella starts and it's like a wildfire. It burns through her, all the anger and frustration and Moon knows her hands are shaking and she knows River can feel it too. He presses them tighter, trying to stead his wife. Moon is doing her best, she really is, to be understanding. But she just doesn't understand. That's the trouble with all of this.
Her daughter burns bright like the star she's affectionately named after. Moon can't blame Stella for that, can she?
The accusations leveled: Moon doesn't even try to get to know her, that she thinks Stella is something to control, that she sees Stella as a worse version of herself... That it's easy sending her away.
Moon is ready to fire something, anything, back. Address each of those items with a similar fire. Or perhaps it would be something colder... Moon really does feel herself losing energy for this. She feels herself burning out of this conversation. Burning out of patience for Stella and her argumentative attitude.
River has always been able to read her thoughts, hadn't he? He gives her hands another squeeze before stepping back. Back towards Stella, and Moon knows she shouldn't feel so betrayed, but at this moment, most of her feelings are that of being cornered.
River throws an arm around their daughter, pulls her into a hug. "Hey, Starshine, let it out," he says. Still standing somewhat between the two of them. Moon feels chastised, even if River hasn't said a word to her. Stella can glare all she wants, but it wouldn't change a thing. She was still leaving soon. And she hadn't packed.
Maybe if Moon was thinking more clearly, she could have hugged Star and told her exactly what she was thinking. Not the angry thoughts, the other ones she buried. About why she was so protective, and where it came from. And how it warped and how it broke them over and over again.
Moon doesn't have the awareness for that, though, does she? She's the perfect Countess, how could she ever be wrong?
"You don't have to coddle her," Moon mutters, and it seems that that's the cruelty that has River mad at her. Properly mad.
"What is wrong with you?" He asks, and it's more heated than she'd heard him in a long time. Usually he was the calm one in situations like this. Sure, when things were meant to be fun, he was excitable and enthusiastic, but he rarely got mad at either of them. And if he did, he rarely spoke up like this.
Menodora looks at him, incredulous. "I have no idea what you mean," she says, tersely, "it's already been decided, River. Stella's going to Swynlake, a place she chose, may I remind you."
"Even so, we can't appeal this? We can't appeal that this is a strange and possibly cruel punishment. You keep saying it's an opportunity for her, yet she doesn't want it. Anyone who can teach her magic is here. Why do you want to send her away?" Want to? Want to. "I don't!" Moon snaps, exasperated. "I don't want Stella to go, I want her to remain here and we would work something out. Unfortunately, though, my vote got overruled by the Commission, and that's where we are. Both of you. I'm sorry that we all can't make our own choices, Stella, I'm sorry you feel that this is unfair. It's what's being done, though, and I'm not going to argue with you about it anymore." .
"You can't make an exception to fight this because she's your daughter?" River argues, leaving Star's side. Standing properly between them. Maybe Moon wouldn't argue with Star, but she would argue with River. "You need to be her mother, Menodora."
"I am her mother," Moon fires back.
"You're being a Countess," he says, biting back irritation.
Moon knew that expression, she knew the way his voice shook.
"You're not thinking of Stella as your daughter, you're thinking of her as a successor," he adds, only slightly softer.
Moon puts a hand to her temple. Pressing it. Pressuring it. She can't, she really just can't handle this right now. There really could be no peace for them, could there?
🌟 Stella Butterfly
—
River puts his arms around her and for some reason, there's no comfort to it. Usually a hug from him made everything feel so much better, usually she felt safe and comforted by him. But the anger is still there. Her eyes still burn with tears, but she doesn't crumble into a sobbing mess in her dad's arms like she half expected. She barely hugs him back.
And Moon's chiding little remark feels like a knife through her heart. You don't have to coddle her.
It's not coddling! Stella wants to shout. It's actually giving a shit about you kid!
But it's River's voice that echoes through the room, and Stella almost can't breathe. And then her parents are arguing with each other, about her. She can't move in her spot.
Moon claims she doesn't want that. She claims she wants her to stay here. No you don't; you would've fought harder if you did.
But River is saying the words. This hurts more than arguing with her mother. Because her mother will hear River's words better. Because now they're arguing and it's her fault.
Anything she could've said, her father says instead, in a way where perhaps it will hit deeper into Moon, or perhaps it won't and it'll just create a rift between those two as well.
She should say something else, but she doesn't know what to say. She should do something but she can't move. She feels like she's miles away from her own body. None of this would be happening if she could've just been better. Maybe she was the problem…
Stella turns to walk away, quickly. "I have to pack," Stella's voice is sharp and burning. "Don't bother me."
🌙 Menodora Perhonen
"Stella," River calls after her, and Moon feels guilt rise up in her throat. Like bile. Like regret. But Moon couldn't be wrong. She's not wrong. This was what was right for Star. She just didn't see it yet.
River turns to her, and a switch flips. Moon looks... Upset. Not because of her actions, or exactly because of her actions. Everything that had transpired here... Was she being more Countess than mother? Isn't that what was necessary?
Someone needed to be rational. Someone needed to make sure everything kept working as it should.
"You have to go apologize to her," River says to her, and Moon looks up. Surprised.
"She just told us not to bother her," Moon replies, feeling distant.
River closes his eyes. She recognizes that steadying breath.
"Is that the only thing you heard her say, Menodora?"
She really wishes he'd stop using her full name. It feels... Weird. And altogether more serious.
"I heard her throw a tantrum over a perfectly reasonable decis--"
"Don't give me that," River snaps back. "Don't give me a diplomatic speech, I know you. I've heard you do this. You and Stella aren't always in the best of terms, but this is--... She trusted you to stand up for her, and you didn't."
"Don't you---"
"No, Moon. You can't treat her like this. Like a child and expect her to be a grown up. She's your daughter and you're so wrapped up in making sure she can handle being a Countess, you're forgetting that she's a person!"
It feels so strange for River to be saying these things.
Moon... Is at a loss for words. She's angry, yes, but she's also... She's hurt. She's hurt River didn't see the rational point of view. She's hurt he'd take Stella's side.
They'd always gotten along better than Moon and Stella had. River was the fun parent. Moon was more serious. That counted for something, yes? No. Not in matters like this.
"I'm tired," Moon says, quietly. And she really does just want to retire for the night. Their room was in the opposite direction. She's already two steps down the hall when River says something. Quiet. But she hears him.
"I'll sleep in a guest room," he says.
She turns back to him sharply. Not angrily. Not about this. More surprised. And the hurt keeps happening.
"What?"
River looks away.
"I think we need to be honest about what happened. And I think I should give you some space."
I don't want space, River. I don't want to be alone.
"I'll check on Stella later. Even if she doesn't want to be bothered, we should. I should. I'll let you know."
Something in Moon splinters. But she nods, understanding the minimum of this.
"Goodnight, then," she says, turning away.
She doesn't hear River move until she's around the corner.
“fucking christ, adriel-” doc splutters and gags in the aftermath of the crushing blow. blood and spit drools from his lips as he steadies himself against the wall, one arm flung out to hold him up and the other wrapped around his torso, cradling his ribs. he hangs there for a moment, spitting blood onto the dingy grey carpet. what’s one more stain in a room like this? pain sings in his ribs - it’s been a long time since he’s taken a hit that hard. there’s a wet whistling coming from his chest each time he exhales. that can’t be good. “you broke my fucking ribs, you little prick,” he rasps, “the fuck is wrong with you?”
“isn’t that the dream?” doc mutters under his breath. he doesn’t mind being pulled out of relative retirement to go back to work for the de lucas, he just wishes it wasn’t for this one in particular. his relationship with adriel can be best defined as strained. his words strike a nerve, and though doc’s expression darkens considerably, his hands don’t waver in their careful stitchwork. “leave him out of it, adriel,” his voice is calm, but there’s a deeply rooted tension behind it. sensitive subject. out of spite, doc goes out of his way to make the stitches a little less than perfect. “you know, has anyone ever told you you’re a right little shit?” he spits the words like venom.
