I had to surrender my service dog in training today. I hurt her the first 4 weeks I had her, even though I rarely was aware of it or remembered it because it always happened during self-injurious and violent autism meltdowns. I recognized that this wasn't okay and worked with my dog trainer, autism coach, therapist, and psychiatrist to make changes to stop it, like figuring out what was triggering the meltdowns and changing it, bringing in respite dog walkers, and realizing it was okay to take time alone or to come in from a walk/potty break and try again when I was less overwhelmed, and changing my psych meds. By week 6, Brie was much better trained, which I'm sure helped, and it didn't feel like a huge transition anymore-always hard for my autism. I had learned to hook her leash on my wheelchair and not my body, so if she pulled, it didn't aggravate my chronic pain. I asked for help as I needed it. I didn't walk her on the street very often because of overload. I came inside when I was reaching threshold, even if it meant I had to bring her out again. I felt like we found a really good rhythm and we're working as a bonded team both at home and away. I had a week where my gastroparesis made me throw up all my psych meds 5 days in a row, and I did NOT hurt her, but I told everyone I was a danger to her/hurting her and a danger to my aide (and asked them to k1ll me, but that's an aside). I gave specifics of my intrusive thoughts but described them as if I had really done them because reality was blurry. When I was able to keep down my meds again, I tried to reach out to everyone and clarify that I hadn't been hurting my dog and just was having a psych episode where I thought I was dangerous, but my trainer had already called animal protective people and the organization I got the dog from. I considered surrendering the dog in the first 4 weeks, worried about hurting her, but they took her without due process or informing me while I was in the hospital and the dog was with my pet sitter, 8 weeks in at a point where I felt like we had gotten through the hard part and were doing really well. And that said they would pursue charges if I didn't sign paperwork surrendering her to them. I was also in breach of contract with them because Brie's first vet appointment was scheduled for 10 weeks after I got her, waiting for pet insurance waiting periods to end, and the contract said I had to take her in within 4 weeks, so legally, they can take her back. I'm still kind of numb about it all, but I feel hollow and angry.