@domanders (cont.)
‘I — I WISH I could…’ he trails his words off, lost in thought. At times he wouldn’t wish for it different, there was no going back after all, but once you’d LOST a child, once you’d suffered such a great loss — there was no way you wouldn’t want to change it. He’d give anything and everything that he had now just to go back and SAVE Luke. He’d give his life.
He never was big on self preservation, yet after he’d lost his child he wanted NOTHING more to survive. He wallowed, of course he did, who wouldn’t? He’d never felt a pain like it, even when he lost his wife. He knew the AGONY of grief even before the new world tore up his old one, but losing a child was like losing a part of yourself; a better part. After that, after he got through it, he vowed never to stop trying again. If he SURVIVED then some part of Luke did, too. That’s what he told himself.
Still, some days he’d stop and get lost in thought in a cyclone of what ifs. His mind was PLAGUED by scenarios of what could have been and he’d wish just once, just one thing — he wished he could bring him back, ‘doesn’t matter what I wish, or what you wish — it’s not happening. you’re right, you can’t CHANGE the past.’ Oh, but if he could…
‘I know. I do too.’ she knows more than anything that someone saying ‘me too’ wasn’t going to make him feel better, but she doesn’t know how else to make things BETTER. Maybe there was nothing she could do, but she didn’t want to believe that. She can tell he’s deep in thought just by looking at him, the demons of his past secretly trying to swallow him whole. usually people couldn’t see it happening, but when it’s happening to you as well things are different.
‘She knew they were fighting different battles with different demons, but just because they had gone through different things didn’t mean that it didn’t have a similar IMPACT on them. A nightmare’s still a nightmare when no one else thinks it’s scary. She had no idea what was going on in his head, but she knew it was taking it’s toll on him.
‘She pauses after he speaks, a gentle ( but weak ) smile forming on her face. ‘Just don’t be too hard on yourself. Whatever it is.. It’s out of your control.’ She knew that maybe what she was saying wasn’t the most helpful or comforting thing, but she was trying. ‘You’re already fighting your demons, don’t need to fight yourself as well.’ Funnily enough this was all advice that Ferris needed to take as well. If only she’d start listening to herself.