Home - Angst
I stepped inside the quaint coffee shop, the bell above the door signaling my entrance to the capacity inside, deeply inhaling the calming scent of coffee. It was out of my way for sure, at least a 20 minute bus ride from where I live, but that didn't stop me from coming here. It was only 5pm but it was already dark, outside illuminated with streetlights and buildings. I glanced over to the corner with the two navy velvet armchairs, the comfiest seats this place had to offer and exhaled. ‘Stop thinking about it’, I warned myself. I continued my way over to the counter, ordering my black coffee and a muffin and paid before I took a seat as far away from the door as possible, comforting myself by the warm radiator to rid myself of the freezing temperature of the harsh winter weather. I took out my leather journal and my pen and observed the room around me and ended up getting lost in my thoughts.
I picked up the porcelain mug and brought it to my lips, taking a sip before placing it back on the table. I welcomed the bitter taste on my tongue as I swallowed the burning liquid. I tried to write. I did. But the best I could do was stare at the empty page and wish that I was good enough. Maybe, if I was, then he wouldn't have left, and I would still be able to write.
The bell above the door pulled me away from my all-consuming thoughts and I peered up to see a boy with dark messy hair and pink socks poking out of the tops of black Doc Martens. My heart got caught in my throat as the recognition of who was stood by the counter smacked me in the face. I ducked my head down, picking up my coffee and near enough sticking my head in my journal to avoid him spotting me. I wasn’t prepared for this; yesterday's makeup that I didn’t have the energy to remove, a black sweatshirt, which was actually his might I add - a fact I didn't even notice until this moment, some plain black joggers and my black Doc Marten boots, which just so happened to match his too. Fate was cruel.
I watched from my corner in the back of the shop, peering over my book that I held up to cover my face, as he ordered his coffee and made his way over to the opposite corner and took a seat in one of the navy armchairs. By this point, my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest at the sight of him, his sweater sleeves pulled to cover his hands, his eyeliner smudged across his eyes, more than usual, and his typical bubbly, hyperactive self seemed to have vanished into thin air.
I began slowly putting my journal and pen back into my rucksack, standing up and heading towards the door, or at least I thought I was. Before my brain could catch up with me, I was already standing over him at his table. My heartrate picked up as I realised what I was doing. I wasn't ready for this. I couldn't face him, not like this, but once again my brain seemed to be on autopilot, heading in a completely different direction before I could stop myself. My heart was doing somersaults in my stomach as I cleared my throat to catch his attention. He rubbed his eyes as he glanced up at me, taking in a sharp breath as his green eyes met my face.
He looked shocked to see me as he spoke softly, clearing his voice before he spoke, “Hi, I didn't expect to see you here,” my knees were shaking, unsteadily keeping me up as I heard his voice, nothing compared to the spirited and passionate ball of energy I was used to.
“You're in our seats,” I observed aloud, the tension between us almost becoming unbearable.
“Yeah, it calms me down a little, too much is going on and it’s getting hard to keep up, especially after-”
“You don’t have to explain, we don’t have to talk about it,” I cut him off, preparing to walk away.
“I think we do, there’s a lot of things that got left unsaid, after we, you know, ended things,” he hesitated, bright green eyes burning into mine mercilessly, “do you want to get out of here, we could talk, I could drive you home,” he offered. Every bone in my body was weak as I tried my hardest to resist falling down the rabbit hole into Wonderland, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had to know why he left; why I wasn’t good enough.
“Fine, we’ll talk on the way,” I agreed with regret already eating away at my stomach.
We walked out of the door, that little bell announcing our departure as we stepped into whatever fate had in store for us. He led the way to his car, unlocking the doors and holding the door open for me, the same way he always did. I smiled as a thank you and took my place in the passenger seat as he shut the door and jogged round to the drivers side. Once he was in the car with the key in the ignition, I turned the heat all the way up and held my hands towards the vents blowing out warm air as I shivered. I heard Dom chuckle next to me as he watched my usual actions. I glanced towards him and he turned his gaze away from me. I averted my gaze to the front windscreen, instead connecting my phone to the bluetooth and playing my most recent playlist to distract me. He shook his head at me and I turned to him, blushing, “sorry, it’s a habit, I guess.”
He laughed lightly, “no worries, glad to see you haven’t changed,” he smiled, but it felt bittersweet.
We were driving down the main road towards my apartment, our old apartment, as the emotions, Khalid playing quietly over the speakers to dull out the awkwardness between us both. I didn't miss the way he would glance at me while he drove through my peripheral vision. It almost made me smile. I continued to stare straight ahead, running my hand through my hair as he continued to stare at me, as though he was captivated by me. I zoned out, trying not to pay attention to his lingering looks that I knew would suck me back in. A few minutes went by, watching as the city passed. We were approaching a set of traffic lights, displaying red, but Dom didn't seem to be slowing down as we proceeded towards them, passing them without hesitation. I whipped my head towards Dom.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I raised my voice, noticing as he spun his head away from me to allow himself to put his eyes on the road.
“I’m sorry, it’s just, I didn’t, I haven’t…” he stuttered not being able to form a coherent sentence to explain what just happened.
“Dom, that was really dangerous, what if something would have happened,” I spoke, as my eyes began to water slightly.
“I know, I’m sorry, I just, you’re intoxicating, okay? I thought this would help me, to be able to talk things through, but we’re not talking, and you look so perfect sitting there, the lights brushing past you so perfectly, it’s a lot for me, okay” he rushed out.
“You think this is easy for me?” I shot back.
“No I don't mean that, I‘m sure it's not easy for you either, but can we talk about this when we get there?” he asked gently.
“You mean, you want to come up to the apartment?” I asked, bewildered.
“Just to talk, I swear, and then I’ll leave, if that's what you want,” he pleaded.
“Fine.”
The tension only seemed to grow from there, as if you could physically feel it sat in the car between us, thankfully we were just around the corner. I turned the volume on the speakers up, hoping to drown out the awkwardness, putting all of my energy into listening to Khalid’s lyrics as I quietly sang along. We pulled up to the car park of my building.
“Maybe you weren’t the one for me, but deep down I wanted you to be,” I sang, not realising what I’d said until afterwards, I turned to Dom and he gave me a sad smile, turning off the engine and opening his door. He came round to the passenger side, opening the door for me again and I smiled in his direction.
We made it through the door of my apartment, I set down my rucksack by the sofa as he followed me in, shutting the door behind him and bouncing on the balls of his feet.
“Would you like a drink?” I offered, my voice soft.
“Tea, we both know how much I love a good cuppa,” he smiled at me, taking a seat on the sofa as I made my way to the kitchen.
Standing as I waited for the kettle to boil, everything I was feeling suddenly hit me at once. What was I doing? He broke me. He completely fucking shattered me, had I forgot everything I had gone through in the last 2 months since I last saw him? My heart started racing as I leaned on the counter to support myself. I took a deep breath and finished making Dom’s tea, setting it on the small coffee table in front of the sofa, before taking a seat next to him on the sofa.
“Why wasn’t I good enough?” I turned to face him as I spoke, my eyes beginning to water as my voice cracked towards the end of my question.
“We both know that’s not why I left,” he looked uncomfortable at my sudden question, responding with a denial tone in his voice. I stood up before iI replied, I needed space from his intoxicating aura before I did something I regretted.
“No, actually, I don’t even know why you left to begin with! One day you were promising me the world and the next you suddenly decided you didn't love me anymore. How could you do that to me? I gave you every piece of me and you decided it wasn’t enough for you!” hot tears made their way down my cheeks as I continued to raise my voice, “and you know what, maybe to you, I’m not worth it, but I need to know why you left, what did I do to make you leave? What did I do to make you stop loving me?”
He sharply inhaled as the last sentence left my mouth, his eyes seemed darker as he stared at me with his strong gaze, he stood up to match my stance as he spoke in a harsh tone “I didn’t just wake up one day and decide I didn’t love you, that’s not what happened.”
“Then tell me what happened! Tell me what made you leave, one minute you were telling me that you’ve never felt that way about anyone and the next you were packing your bags and leaving, you didn’t even have the decency to tell me, you left a note on the bed and you left me.” I cried. These feelings had bubbled up inside of me for the last 2 months, everything was falling out like word vomit.
“You have no idea what’s it’s been like, okay, you think I don’t see the way people look at us when we go out together, even they can see that I’m no good for you!”
“No good for me? Oh so you’re going to let dirty looks from random strangers decide that we shouldn’t be together? Grow up Dom! You’re not a child, you’re the last person I know that would let what someone else thinks of you get in the way of what makes you happy.”
“I know that, you make me happy and I’m sorry, but we both know I’m no good for you, just look at everything that’s happened since we met. Don’t forget that the only reason you ever wanted me in the first place was to piss off your mum.” He rolled his eyes. My anger flared inside of me at his last statement.
“Would you listen to yourself? You’re so childish to let something so stupid and insignificant get in the way of us. The truth is that you left. You left me, and that was your choice, nobody else’s.”
“I still love you!” He screamed, his voice a desperate tone I’ve never heard before.
“That doesn’t change anything, not until you tell me the real reason you left me because I know you couldn’t care less about what other people think of us,” I replied calmly, as my eyes started to sting with tears.
“I can’t make you happy, I never did, and that’s something we can agree on. You were so happy when we first met, but that changed, somewhere down the line your smile faded away and I haven’t seen it since, not genuinely. I can always tell when you’re faking it, I know what people said didn't get to me, but it did get to you, you think I don't know that when I would fall asleep you would sit on twitter or go onto news websites and see what people were saying about you? You were killing yourself from the inside out, and I saw that, I saw that I was the reason you were doing this to yourself, they said so many bad things about you that you started to believe them too, and I know I should have been there to stop you from feeling that way, but after a while it just felt like you were using it as an excuse to be distant from me.” he had tears falling from his eyes as he spoke, rubbing them away furiously with the backs of his hand.
“Then why were you with her 2 weeks later,” my voice broke as I asked the one question that had been burning away at me since I saw the pictures on Twitter.
“What are you talking about? Fuck, Ashley?” His eyes widened as he took a step towards me. I took a step back, nodding as more tears fell from my eyes.
“Yes, Ashley, on the red carpet, I saw the photos, the way you looked at her, you never looked at me like that…” I trailed off, not really knowing what else to say.
“You’ve got this all wrong, I turned up to the awards show to walk the red carpet on my own, but when I got there my management told me they set up for us to walk together, it was a publicity stunt, she’s one of my fucking closest friends and she has been for years, okay, you know this,” he reasoned, his voice softening as he took my hand in his. I softly pulled my hand away from his, stepping back slightly, as I spoke “This still doesn't change anything.”
“It changes everything, I know you still have feelings for me, and yes I still love you. I know that I want this. I want this to work, I’ve been an absolute fucking train wreck since I left, and I know that’s my own fault but I thought you’d be better off without me…”
“As much as that might be true, I’ve also been a train wreck since you left, I haven’t been able to write a single thing, you’d think the heartbreak would make it easier to write and turn you into a monster, but unfortunately for me, when you’re still in love with the person it makes it hard to write anything other than good things about them, even after they shatter you into pieces.” I confessed.
“Please, I want to come home,” he made eye contact with me and his eyes shone as he spoke.
“Then go home, you drove here,” I spoke quietly, rolling my eyes.
“I can't,” he frowned.
I took a deep breath as I asked “Why not?”
“Become home isn't a place -”
“Dont be stupid home is where you live Dom, so just go home.” I cut him off, exhausted from getting out everything I didn't get the chance to say before.
“I can’t,” he pleaded again.
“You have to, we can't keep doing this.” I replied, tearing my gaze away from his begging, beautiful green eyes.
He turned to me, taking my small hands softly in his larger ones, as he spoke, “I've tried to put it into words thousands of times, I even tried to put it into songs, but I couldn’t make sense of it. I tried explaining it to my management to see if they could help me find a way to express the way I felt, but these simple minded people would never understand, home isn’t a place, it’s you, you’re my home.”
More tears pricked at my eyes, his words were too perfect, “My brain is begging me not to fall into this trap, it’s just too painful, and I know that if this were to happen again, I would not be able to handle it a second time.” I spoke carefully, his eyes grew more red and irritated as they filled with tears once again. I can tell how much I mean to him from the pure emotion in his eyes at the thought of losing me altogether. “But, we both know I’ve never been good at listening to my head, which is usually how we end up in situations like this,” I sniffled as I smiled slightly. I pulled my hands away from his once again, and opened my arms up instead, “come home,” I choked out, smiling wider.
He leapt forward into my arms, crushing me in the tightest hug I think I’d ever had, as we cried a mixture of tears, holding onto each other as if we were to let go the other would vanish completely. Yes, we still had a lot to talk about, and we both knew that if we were going to make it work, we need to stop hiding how we feel to protect the other. But right at this point, embracing each other, it feels like forever, and it feels like everytime is finally falling into place.
“Thank you,” he breathed into my neck and I only held him tighter.
