being vulnerable
I am vulnerable.
Those are the words that are hard to swallow and extremely difficult to admit but there, I said it. I even typed it!
You know, years ago it is hard for me to be myself. I am reserved even with my best friends, it was awkward being the one friend who didn’t share her secrets and just listens. As if I’m collecting these data to secretly expose everyone? Boo! Lame, why would I even do that? I hardly even remember my coworkers name whom the past few years I've been having a "small talk" with.
Moving on with the chit chat- Yeah, being emotionally and physically ill drained me to my core. I've become impatient that it made me feel that other people's feelings can be excused. I was irrational and so self-absorbed by the thought that I matter because I'm sick. Yeah, a really stupid excuse I got there. But here's what I have realized- maturity does takes time but with a clear mind. Though I’m not saying that I may not going to feel miserable again.
In fact, im allowing myself to be totally vulnerable. To be a mess, to be alone and to enjoy my f****ng time because why not? I will be the mess that I am, I will smile uncontrollably, I will be unpredictable, I will be the girl to tell you to f**k off because im not in the mood but minutes later will apologize with all my might because I know im wrong. I will be the quiet and shy ones also the one that got daddy issues. The one that makes the plants go thrive but her love life seems like a netflix drama. I will be the ones that is sensitive but also cares too much.
I'm gonna be the paradox that I am, no excuse cause I'm just a human. I feel stuff.