Readers. Readers! You'll never guess the incredible discovery I've just made. Did you know... that there are multiple...
Kinds...
Of Axes?!
There I was just perusing the local supermarket when I saw this Double Edged Beauty. And I knew instantly that I needed to have it in my life. I didn't even need to pay, though I obviously tried. When I brought it up to the cashier I excitedly raised it over my head and swung it around. I must've already been bursting with confidence as they shrunk back behind the til and told me I could have whatever I wanted!
This twist of fate needed to be tested immediately. With Battle Axe in hand I left the grocery store and made way for the nearby fort. The Upper one specifically. When testing a conquerors weapon it is best to actually Conquer something. With great spirit I charged as soon as the front wall was in sight, but they must've known I was coming, and of my many great deeds, for they had already absconded. Everything but the kitchen sink was gone, including the sink. And the kitchen. They feared my Battle Axe Charisma so much that they took everything but the front wall!
No doubt it was a vain attempt to trick me into thinking they had a mighty force, but with my Axe I cut through that clever deception. As their cowardice donned on me I felt my confidence slice through the very heavens themselves.
Next I went to city hall, to try this Axe on that horrible, confidence destroying door. Well Readers, I can confidently say the Battle Axe truly is mightier than the Sword. It cleaved through that door like Hubert chews through a bag of chips. (Quite easily for those that don't get the references). I brazenly walked into the throne room, brandished my Axe at the mayor and.... and I realized I felt so great I didn't need to take anything from him.
I know I know, it sounds like a snake oil sales pitch but it seems like the process of overcoming a past failure has produced in me a type of inner calm. As of writing this it's still there, I'm sure it's temporary at best but it is interesting nonetheless.
Anyways, there I was with the mayor and his retainers all looking at me, obviously intimidated by my newfound internal AND external confidence, and I knew I couldn't leave them hanging. So I simply said "I hope you've all learned your lesson, don't make me come back here again..." And I made my way into the outdoors.
So here I am, once again completely endorsing carrying around an Axe of one sort or another throughout your day. As if there was ever any doubt! I also now wholeheartedly recommend going out and finding other types of Axes to try. Why, according to my preliminary searches there are practically dozens of types to try! I'll make an effort to collect more in my travels, but for now -
