It doesn't hurt, it doesn't make me sad. I don't feel anything as strong anymore and it makes me wonder if I ever will. I both envy and pity those who feel so strongly. I envy them because, hard as I may try to feel something so passionately for someone, I can't. It scares me not knowing if I will ever feel that way again. The way I loved her. The way I hated that I loved her so much. It was the most amazing feeling being able to feel that. I pity them because I know that that 'amazing' feeling was also the most unbelievably painful feeling I have come to encounter. I feel sorry for then because of the fact that they are so vulnerable to someone.. They are so open to hurt and sorrow. To feeling like the world is caving in around you and you can't stop it.. THAT pain, the pressure on your chest, the dull aching in your heart that literally feels like something is breaking inside of you... I NEVER want to feel that again. I guess something inside of me broke and even if I try, feeling isn't something I'm capable of doing anymore. I smile when I should be sad. I laugh when someone cries. I know the way it feels to not be hungry for days on end. The way you make yourself stay busy as long as you possibly can until you can't possibly keep your eyes open anymore, just because you don't want to lay in bed thinking about it. I know what its like not to want to sleep because you'll dream of them. To not want to be out in public but not want to stay home. I remember how even in the middle of winter I would have to roll my car windows down because I felt like I was suffocating.. I remember. So now, whenever I feel even the slightest bit of sadness something inside me stops me. It won't ever let me go to that place and I will forever be thankful for whatever it is inside me that stops it.
