WIG REVIEW: DOWNTON ABBEY
YOU GUYS THIS MOVIE. If you loved the TV show the way that most of the world (including me) did, then please get yourself to this film because it’s basically just an extra long episode! I will take one every 2 years please and thank you! But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss.
It is a few years and about 1000 plotholes since the final TV episode which means it’s 1927, okay?! GO WITH IT! The main thing is: the royals are coming to visit Downton so EVERYONE CLEAN EVERYTHING and have a lot of feelings about it!!! Also: there are about 10x as many wigs as in the TV show. Read all about it here. But as in the show, these wigs are VERY PRESTIGE. And by that I mean, they’re good because someone paid a lot of money for them.
Let’s begin with wig MVP, Lady Mary. Major changes since her TV wig include: BANGS and a serious back taper on her neck. Here is where many (if not all) male wigs get into TROUBLE HUNNY because somehow the male wig community cannot figure out how to not have that taper jut out which just reads: HELLO I’M A TERRIBLE WIG. Somehow, Lady Mary’s wig is able to overcome this taper issue and just look FIERCE AS HELL. Please provide all male wigs with whatever magic (spirit gum?) that made this happen.
Down in the kitchen, MRS PATTIMORE IS STILL MY KWEEN and Daisy’s bangs were clearly SNATCHED by Lady Mary, but the result is still super cute. Daisy remains a full revolutionary who will flirt with any damn plumber but will still (probably?) marry that one nice manservant whose name I refuse to remember and fixed that farm roof once. (THE FARM SHE CO-OWNS IS SUSPICIOUSLY EXEMPT FROM THIS MOVIE FOR REASONS UNKNOWN).
Other suspicious plotholes include Lady Mary deciding that even though she totally secured Barrow that sweet butler job so that Carson could retire, THAT DID NOT APPLY TO ROYAL VISITS BECAUSE BARROW SUCKS AT POLISHING SILVER. So Mary tells Carson to come on back, despite the fact that she 1) didn’t tell Barrow or anyone else and 2) didn’t see if Carson had been cured of the Parkinson’s Disease (or similar?) that made him spill wine all over the entire last episode of this TV show. Somehow Carson can pour wine again so BYE BARROW!! ALSO I LOVE YOU MRS. HUGHES.
The timing of this is actually great because the King’s valet is 100% hot/gay so bring on some homosexual romance! This will definitely go really well and not provide any issues for anyone! (STAY TUNED)
Speaking of issues, remember how Tom is from IRELAND? Do you remember that? He speaks with a slightly different accent, so...do you remember NOW? Ok cool because everyone else is REALLY ON EDGE about this whole thing given the fact that THE ROYALS ARE COMING so is this Irishman gonna totally eff it up for everyone? SPOILER: OBVIOUSLY NOT ARE YOU KIDDING THIS GUY RULES. In a plot twist that plays out so quickly that you wonder why they even bothered, Tom is badgered by some dude who you think is a royal detective but TWIST: he’s actually trying to get Tom to help him kill the king and now Lady Mary is super suspicious even though she and Tom are totally BFFs and whatever: Tom and Mary just saved the King. THE END! OH WAIT THERE’S ANOTHER HOUR OF THIS MOVIE TO GO.
Moving along: new characters! IMELDA STAUNTON and a serviceable wig is in this now, which is great because she should be in everything. Her character’s name is MAUD BAGWELL which feels like an SNL sketch version of this show, but whatever. Anyway, Maggie Smith (WHO IS PERFECT AND SO IS HER WIG) is super pissed at her because she has no kids and refuses to give all her money to Lord Grantham when she dies. WHAT A BITCH. Oh wait, actually let’s talk about her maid, played by, I shit you not, a woman named TUPPENCE MIDDLETON which is peak English and we can all go home now and also Imelda Staunton is leaving her money to her so OK. Oh but also she kind of looks like Lady Sybil (RIP) so Tom definitely falls in love with her despite the fact that he fully had a girlfriend at the end of the TV show who even caught the bouquet at Edith’s wedding but WHATEVER WHO CARES TUPPENCE MIDDLETON WINS.
Meanwhile, Lady Edith, whose wig is...fine but still not as good as Lady Mary’s because that’s how older sisters work, is pregnant! Mazel! Unfortunately, her husband already told the King he would go on safari with him RIGHT WHEN SHE IS DUE. This is the most white people problems thing ever and she spends the rest of the movie moping around the park this family calls a lawn until the King finally lets her husband out of the terrible and binding safari plans he had. WHAT A RELIEF OMG THIS EFFING SHOW/MOVIE LOLOLOL.
Speaking of the royals, here they are! The king and queen are honestly barely in it and their wigs are totally fine. The princess has a really upsetting plotline about her terrible and abusive husband who somehow Tom unwittingly advises to STAY WITH HIM for the sake of her family?!?!?! I don’t know either y’all but ok?
Meanwhile, downstairs, Anna Bates and her bent wig (ANNA DESERVES BETTER) is hatching a plot with her husband to revolt against the evil royal servants who have left them without jobs to do! Rather than take a well-deserved staycation, they seriously manage to fool all the royal servants into letting them do their damn jobs! WHAT A WORLD. Of course, the Bates family is behind all this because they have been falsely imprisoned so many times that they can now live life without fear of consequences, much like Ashley Judd in Double Jeopardy (IF YOU DON’T GET THIS REFERENCE, I WILL ABSOLUTELY SHOOT YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF MARDI GRAS). Anyway, one of which is fully stealing from the family and Anna doesn’t even stitch on her and instead makes her do penance sewing a dress all night! I LOVE THIS MOVIE.
So the only servant that gets an actual vacation is still Barrow, in his fashion haircut, who is enjoying his gaycation in York until his new gay pal stands him up so he meets a different gay dude who BRINGS HIM TO A FRIGGIN GAY SPEAKEASY IN AN ABANDONED (?) WAREHOUSE AND OMG I WANT TO GO TO THERE. (Spoken as Stefon on SNL): It has everything! Men charlestoning together to a makeshift jazz combo, mustachioed men in rolled up shirtsleeves sipping unspecified brown alcohols, giant wooden barrels used as cafe tables with candles on them, and the constant fear that something is definitely going to go wrong. Remember earlier when I said to stay tuned about Barrow having issues because Barrow always has issues? BARROW GETS ARRESTED, OBVIOUSLY. He is nearly immediately bailed out (not by money, but by Royal connections) by his new boyfriend, who then almost certainly has sex with him but we’re not allowed to see it but DOES HAVE A KISS WITH HIM SO OKAY I GUESS THIS TURNED OUT NOT SO BADLY! #DowntonPride
In the end, everyone goes to a ball and my beloved Matthew Goode FINALLY SHOWS UP to dance with Mary and ask everyone if he missed anything (har har). Also there is the promise of at least 3 more weddings and maybe 1 (SOB) funeral so since this movie made more money than Rambo AND a boring Brad Pitt space movie, PLEASE MAKE ANOTHER ONE OF THESE!!!! ALSO THANK YOU FOR SPENDING SO MUCH $$ ON WIGS THEY ARE GREAT!
VERDICT: WURQS