Just an angst drabble
To say James was well would be an absolute lie. He could manage to keep himself straight when he was with Wendy. But now in his own home with no one to see him everything that James ever was crumbled down beneath his own two feet. And everything was his own fault. He was in too deep, he knew. His feelings strong and unwavering and yet he did not deserve any of it. There was no love for James Hook, that is simply how it was meant to be. And now his biggest concern went out for her. What if Peter saw, what could he even say. More lies. The truth. Was there ever room for the truth.
A sickening feeling came over him as stress washed over him like only a waterfall can and he had to rush to his bathroom to empty his stomach. His chest tightened and his vision blurred. It had been forever since he had one of these. Panic attacks. And it wasn't even because of him. It was a panic what Peter would say to Tina. Or what he would feel losing her. Or worse, if she would hate him for loving her.
Why did it have to be you.
Those words stung like a razorblade. Morely because in a way he had heard that familiar sting before.
Why couldn't you just die?
Those were the words after his mother attempted to drown him when he was six. The event that had led to him being send off to the orphanage. The event that made him hate himself. The event that made him think why as well.
Was there anything he did deserve? Certainly that wasn't love. Affection. Respect. Neither of these things he deserved. A family or a home. He lost that years ago and as much as he fought he never got that back. Not with allowing Peter to be part of his life, and neither with having these feelings for Tina.
James was lonely, he absolutely was. But he was also an adult, a leading figure with his own business and there were things expected of him. Falling apart wasn't one of them. He clutched to his stomach as the tears began to fall from his eyes. Crying was not allowed. It was not allowed. He repeated to himself in a desperate attempt to stop them. It didn't work.
There was one thing that usually did, an old habit that he no longer felt a need for.
Until now.
He walked towards the cabinet and found his cigarets and took one out and lightened it. He took a single puf before putting the cigarette against his flesh the all too familiar burn against his wrist. Yet it wasn't enough so he added his lighter to it. It wasn't till his body begged him to stop the flame he did and he finally found it in him to breath.
One day he would stop the punishments. But right now the pain reminded him of one thing: he was alive. And for now only that would be enough.
He heard a familiar buzz and Tina's name flashed on the tiny screen. How long has it been.
"Knock knock."
A smile crept on his lips, and the softest of a chuckle came. This was just like Tina. This was also why he so deeply loved her. He clung to his phone as if his life depended on it and typed.
"Who is there?"
Another buzz.
"impending doom ✌."
She had no idea how true that was.