#drafts clearing house

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anyone else craving the endorphin high that you get after intense pain?

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requesting permission to stand in a corner of the room and tremble, sir

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not posting them because they're very embarrassing, but i want to state for the drafts clearing house record that i have deleted five drafts made within the span of one hour on the night of April 18th all of which express, in various ways, a strong desire to be a cis gay man, and one diary type draft made earlier that night which read "i wonder what it would be like to take a double dose of progesterone"

my memory of this night is basically nonexistent, so this is all the information at my disposal.

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"I just need a year of no contact to stop having romantic feelings for you" guy + "absence makes the heart grow fonder" girl

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least favorite and favorite things about memory? the past?

least favorite thing about memory is a difficult one. I think the inconsistent access to it might be worst. sometimes it shows up when disadvantageous in full glittering plate armor with spears pointed, and sometimes it slinks off unseen to die in a corner, taking much love and joy with it. and i can't even remember when it does! i also strongly dislike how quickly it fades or becomes lost to uncertainty after even a few relivings

but favorite is the intensity of it while reliving. the involuntary body movements, words and noises, the instinctual placing of myself fully into another time for a moment, when the memory functions right. it completely overtakes me sometimes and i find myself holding a missing hand, kissed by distant lips...

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truth is a sticky thing to handle. gets all over you if you're not careful

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philosophy as mental disorder

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[just got bottom surgery voice] I'm happy as a clam :)