#dreamingtheater

[dreamingtheater]

You know!! Sometimes it really doesn't matter how much you're there for someone or try to be the best friend possible, sometimes someone can just throw that all back in your face and treat you like nothing! How can you say that no one's there for you when you ignore me and treat me like shit when I send you messages telling you how much I love you. Desperately trying to call you and get ahold of you in any way I can. But yeah I guess I don't mean shit!! Fuck me I guess!

[dreamingtheater]

So my cats been sick for a while now but got really bad this last week. I can’t afford a vet visit but I think he most likely has kidney failure. He’d been doing a bit better a couple days ago but yesterday he stopped eating and this morning he’s not even lifting his head...I didn’t want to leave but I have 2 classes today. I really truly think he’s gonna die today so...

If you can just hope he goes easy in his sleep I’d really appreciate it. I’m gonna have to bury my best friend and this is basically my worst nightmare so maybe keep me in your thoughts too ❤️

[veradune]

dreamingtheater replied to your post “fml the big review of whether or not my job deserves to exist is...”

man no matter what age you are someone asking about the future is just one big SHRUG, i feel ya

I KNOW RIGHT death is the only certainty, but hopefully more decades off than those I have experienced already

[dreamingtheater]

Love this pic from NYCPride2018 with @otagen !! It was incredibly fun and we met so many awesome people. It was just so great to walk miles in my city and no matter where we went from Stonewall to Central Park just seeing pride flags everywhere. Never felt more love and a more open, wild atmosphere full of leather and feathers. Can’t wait til next year!!

[dreamingtheater]

The new Vaccines album is out today and I'm so happy and excited but like, I preordered physical copies and I said I wasn't gonna listen to it til they got here. But I'm kinda dying cause everyone is saying it's so fucking good!! I'm suffering!!

[dreamingtheater]

Hate writing a whole long emotional thing asking for some help and like, still feel ignored lol

[dreamingtheater]

lol sorry if y’all don’t wanna read this but I’m high key suffering so just skip if you don’t care

Basically like, I’m doing awful mentally like I’m so stressed out I feel like I’m gonna die and my self esteem has been in the shitter. Basically like I don’t have time to really hang out with people (friends, family) and instead of maybe asking me if I’m okay or supporting me and being understanding a lot of people are acting like it’s my fault.

I’m a senior in college, it’s really fucking tough and time consuming, plus I have an insanely long 2+ hours commute there and 2+ hours back every day. Still gotta take care of my pets and clean and attempt cooking healthy meals every night because yknow, recovery and all, and so yeah I don’t have a lot of free time and the free time I do have I feel like just curling up in my bed and reading books and playing Pokémon.

But then people act like I’m the problem? “YOU don’t make time for me” “YOU need to get a handle on the stress” “YOU need to calm down” hey!! Maybe fuck off!! If I could be less stressed and have time to be with loved ones and do fun things and be an all around happy healthy individual don’t you think I would??? It’s not my damn fault that life is really hard right now and making it seem like I’m the problem is not!! Helping me at all!! People talk at me like I’m fucking dumb as if I don’t know I’m stressed and sad? People will say “hey you’re not you right now” and yeah that’s 100% correct but why are we acting like I can just dump college and be stress free? Cause I can’t do that lol!!

When I say I wanna do something fun by myself for once I get called selfish like...I’m literally stretched so thin and I have nothing left to give. It feels like everyone’s pulling me in a million different directions and expecting me to be so perfect. Like yeah I wanna be me again too? I wanna be the fun happy person I usually am but at this point it’s hard to do that and maybe expecting me to be able to be super chill super happy Dianna and be under all this stress is a bit much to ask. And fuck like I’m such a positive person so I think people don’t take me seriously when I talk about my problems yknow? Like oh she’s still laughing and bubbly she’s good like, no? You can’t keep expecting me to take all these hits and still be okay afterwards.

Within the past year like; spent 6 months going to the hospital every night after class to visit my possibly dying grandma and spending my entire day waiting for a phone call to know if she was about to die; bus route got disconnected so I had to start taking 3 buses to and from home every day; one cat ran away another died; best friend of 8 years and I stop talking; eating disorder relapse; and just a couple weeks ago I slammed my car into a pole and almost had a serious accident. I still get anxiety attacks from the phone ringing and I feel guilty just for eating like a normal human being.

Is that maybe enough? Is that enough for some people to see I’m stressed and had a shit year and I’ve been desperately trying to stay positive but sometimes it’s really hard? Like everyone’s just pissed they can’t have the fun me cause like fuck when I’m happy I’m great! I’m a lot of fun and I’m a really good friend and I love doing new things like I’m a pleasure to have around. The second I’m not that person tho people just wanna complain or bail I guess. And like, this isn’t everyone but it feels like when I try to talk about the bad stuff a lot people are just like “okay get this over with so we can go back to having fun and you can stop being a buzzkill” it’s so hard y’all, I don’t know. A lot of times when I’m upset people twist it around so they’re the victim too like, “I’m upset that you’re upset feel bad for me look what you did!” Even know I feel guilty writing this when I totally have the right too and should not feel guilty. And like I have some wonderful friends who care about me but even then sometimes I don’t wanna talk about my issues cause I’m afraid it would upset them and make them sad, I have this horrible guilt when I think I’ve made people sad but I shouldn’t.

I don’t know, maybe some of y’all know how I feel? I’d appreciate any thoughts y’all have on this, especially if you read this whole mess. I think I’d really just want someone to say like “this isn’t your fault and I care about you and want you to get through this” like fuck, that’s all I really want. I had a bad night lol

[dreamingtheater]

Sable and my dog Jessie are wandering around looking for Bob this is awful