[text] Still missing you. I wanted to IM you but then I wasn't sure if you'd be able to answer. You're safe, right? You've got Annabeth, Candy Bars, your sister, & Frowns A Lot on your side, so that's good... Right?
Well okay, so Annabeth and Percy always had this thing, right? Like this soul deep whatever. But then Annabeth and Kendall had this thing too and it was just all very dis-concerning. Then Percy and Annabeth were together and Kendall moped but then he had a thing for Claire and Claire kinda had a thing for him back-- which made him mope some more. Stella had a thing for no man well, except for maybe Blake AKA her wine-soaked honey bunny but they were just FWB-- or something. Either way she didn't care and Kendall didn't care so they had sex. Hot idiot leading the hot idiot, right? But then it turned out they did actually care-- a lot. So they stopped having sex and sort of accidentally became friends. Friends with feelings. Then there's Isabel and Drake. Drake hated the world but then Isabel came along and lit it up like nobody else-- the way any Asher woman flips her hair gets people overwhelmed. Anyway so they kinda fell for each other, but Stella is Isabel's twin sister and she hates Drake. And of course Drake hates her, right? Classic. Stella and Isabel kinda hated each other too but not really, it was just Stella having issues then there was this whole thing with a Nymph so they made up and now they're all Twin Power. Annabeth and Stella had a strained relationship, Isabel and Annabeth were friends and so were Drake and Kendall-- despite the fact he sort of stuck an axe in his back but that's whatever between besties, right? Oh and Kendall and Isabel were besties which is great because it just meant they could tag team to make Drake cheer up. Well, then there was another thing. The A F R I C A thing we never talk about. Drake and Isabel were in love-- patched things up after that whole Traitor Gate thing-- so he made sure Isabel was safe. But then there was this whole kidnapping thing with Stella and she sorta became the queen of a cannibal tribe for a while. Oh and Annabeth almost died but hey ho happy ending because they all made it out alive if not slightly scarred for the rest of their lives. The point however is that they're sort of a wolf pack now. They're sort of bonded for life.
I wonder what kind of seasoning they're going to use... Oh Gods, she was officially losing it. It was the crown. It was the freaky Queen of the Cannibals crown. It was seeping into her brain. This was it though- this was her life now. She was never going to get to re-paint her nails. Her hair was going to lose its strawberry scent. She was never going to see the new series of Lost Girl! Was this karma? Some sort of cosmic punishment for all the horrible things she had done? Surely Aphrodite cared enough about her daughters to make sure that they never ended up in such a situation where there was nowhere to swipe a credit card or buy a low fat latte. Doomed. She was infinitely and utterly doomed and now there wasn't even chanting for her to listen to anymore- okay so it wasn't exactly of Beyoncé quality but at least it was something. Wait... Why was there no chanting? Sitting up a little, her brow furrowed ever so slightly as her heart sped up the tiniest little bit- obviously it was directly connected to whatever hope she might have had left.
"Paco? Be a doll and go check the fire or something would you?" she smiled, her face feeling tight as she pointed in the away direction, "Go," she repeated as he did the whole bowing/fawning thing before exiting stage left.
Could they have been-... They couldn't be. But- But what if... Stella forced herself to stand up when she could have sworn she heard something. Footsteps maybe? Maybe. Sucking in a breath she turned and hoped to all the Gods that if she saw who she thought she would, she wasn't hallucinating.
This Would Have Never Have Happened To Xena || Drabble
“Stella, we can’t!”
“Ah but dear Is we are so quit whining and help me out here.”
“But if she finds out-,”
“Look, who is Daddy really going to believe? Skanky girlfriend number 6 or his loving daughter now hold still I’ve almost got it. Just a little to the left and- Bingo!”
Stella let out a disgruntled noise as Isabel dropped her hands from their previous position of giving her boost up so she could reach the top shelf of the guest room’s closet which was where the sickening amount of things Cassandra owned where staying for the holidays.
“Ouch, you could have given me some warning,” Stella hissed, blowing a curl from face.
“But dear Stella where would the fun have been in that?” her twin laughed as she rolled her eyes before they both bolted back to the safety of their room. Okay so it wasn’t technically stealing taking the good make up Skanky Girlfriend No. 6 kept stashed up there like hello, it was an Alexander Asher freebie for goodness sake. Plus they were going to a party tonight.
“And the neighbour’s totally cute son is going to be there,” Stella grinned.
“Behave yourself,” Isabel laughed tracing the glossy pink lipstick over her perfectly perfected pout- she learned from the best don’t you know.
“I absolutely wo-…,” she stopped mid sentence because holy hell where did that hunka hunk of burning love come from? Jeez his eyes were like the ocean and- He was grabbing her hand and pulling her away and-…
“Hey! What do you think you’re- Isabel! Isa-,” then just like that she wasn’t fourteen and getting all dolly-dolled up for yet another holiday season party, she was running and holding onto Kendall’s hand like her life depended on it only she couldn’t quite remember why it did.
“Kendall-,”
“Run.”
“But- But I have a stitch and- and my boots.”
“For the love of all the gods Stella…”
Then he let go. He let go and she couldn’t stop herself from shouting out. She was screaming but he wasn’t listening, he wasn’t-
“You promised!” she shouted, “You prom- prom-…”
--
Prod. Prodding. Someone was prodding her face. What the-
Suddenly it all came rushing back to her which, for the record, is not a remotely comfortable feeling. Strangely enough she thought if she were dead it certainly didn’t feel hot enough to be Hell and she was pretty sure that in Heaven there wasn’t such a thing as headaches and what was that touching her face? Sending a silent prayer to her mom that she wasn’t rotating over a fire right now like a suckling pig she forced her eyes open. The sight before her was perhaps one of the weirdest things she had ever seen. It took a minute for her vision to de-blurrify but when it did all she could see were eyes. A lot of eyes. And gods, whoever told them that the whole ‘bone through the nose’ thing was still in fashion had lied. Weren’t they supposed to be, oh I don’t know, eating her or something right now? She felt a weird urge to awkwardly wave up at them but shook it off immediately and instead pushed herself up into a sitting position which again, for the record, was not remotely comfortable. That’s when she saw who was prodding her face. Only it was more painting than prodding.
Okay Stella, just take a minute to gather yourself. Just take a minute. Just- Why the hell where they all just staring at her? Like- Like- Like love struck teenage boys at the junior prom trying to work up the nerve to ask her dance. She narrowed her eyes ever so slightly and could have sworn they all collectively took a step back and let out a weird ‘ooh’ noise. What fresh hell even was this? And what was she wearing!? Looking down at herself she couldn’t help but think that she was actually having some sort of freaky Tiki girl porno nightmare. If she turned around and there was a pole waiting for her to dance on she so quit. Seriously though, the skirt, the half-top (could it even be classed as a crop top?), the painted markings, the- oh, oh gods if those were human bone anklets she was so going to throw up all over those cannibals! …Bracelets too. And what- what was that on her head? What feathery monstrosity was on her head!? That was it. She needed to have a major word with this tribe’s stylist.
“Stop!” she shouted and the guy painting Rambo-style stripes on her cheeks promptly stopped and stepped back, eyes still trained on her. Okay Stella. Now what? Stand. Standing seems like a good idea. Holy, this hat, head-piece whatever thing was heavy. Steadying herself she looked them over again swallowing back the lump of fear in her throat because there were a lot of them there. Was this what the prom queen felt like when she had to give a speech at prom? Okay here goes nothing. She stepped forward a little and opened her mouth to say something, anything when she promptly shut it again as they all did the weirdest thing- yet again.
How many cannibals have you ever come across that have stepped back and then bowed in front of you? Movies. What did they do in the movies? Say ‘take me to your leader’? Gods. Come on Stel, think. What would an Asher do in this situation?
“I want to speak to whoever is in charge here,” right. Making demands. She could literally hear Drake’s sarcastic droll in the back of her head telling her what a genius she was. Oh that’s right Stel, you tell those cannibals what to do, I’m sure they’ll listen. What she was met with however were a vast number of blank looks and thus began the chanting. What- What was that? Was that Ancient Greek? Seriously? Stella had a hard enough time dealing with the Scottish accents that one awful time their Daddy was closing a business deal there and just had to bring her and Isabel along.
“Whoa, whoa hey. Hey cannibal…people. No. Look, here’s the deal. You can chant on away all you like but we’re going to have some serious communication problems. I understand that everyone’s all ‘you’ve gone to their country, learn their language’ these days but I was roped into this so sorry not sorry I’m not going to brush up on my Ancient Greek. You got it?” Well if she was going to die and become someone’s side salad she might as well throw all caution to the wind or whatever it was people said these days.
And…more blank looks. Well, this was going decidedly well.
Oh and now there’s screaming. Fab. Just, fab.
“Holy sh-,” well that’s not someone looking at her like a teenage boy at junior prom. Oh no it is not. That is one angry looking woman. That is one very scary, angry looking woman. There were so many things Stella would never get to do in life if this crazed woman came any closer. She’d never update her iPhone to the next model. She’d never be whisked off around the world by Blake. She’d never see Drake and Isabel’s little ice cream babies and all of a sudden she really wanted to see those babies and she was too pretty to di-
Okay. Update. Small group of cannibal guys have stood up and formed a weird protective line on either side of me.
Stella blinked a number of times before things sort of started to click in the back of her head but before she had time to come up with the grand revelation, crazy lady in desperate need of hairbrush had made her way over and so started the screaming in Ancient Greek. If she had to take an educated guess what with knowing there was no way in hell she’d made out with crazy lady’s boyfriend, she’d say that she was seriously pissed Stella was wearing her feathery-head-thing.
“Look if you want the tacky hat ba-,” okay ouch. Blood. There better not have been blood.
“Bitch!” That was her face. That was her face. Oh that was so it.
“You messed with the wrong daughter of Aphrodite you-,” but before someone could sharpen their nails and dive like a disgruntled member of a love triangle onto an Amazon woman that would have probably killed her down dead the chanting returned. Only…that wasn’t Greek. That- That was definitely English. Ooh and they were so not happy with crazy pants. Oh gods, Stella had developed her own little army of crazies.
…She had really come to hate Africa.
Not that she could make out many of the words but wherever they were dragging sun cracked skin and split ends it did not sound pleasant. Remembering to close her mouth which had been hanging open for a good while she turned her attention back to the crowd in front of her. Wow, okay so… What was she supposed to chat to these guys about anyway?
“So…,” nice weather? How do you your hair that shiny? What’s for dinner? Urgh, maybe they should have just let crazy pants at her and-
“Queen.”
“Excuse me?”
“Queen!”
“Uh, I don’t-…,” oh no. Oh no, no, no, no and did she mention? No! But there was no stopping the two guys who were ushering her onto a big ole stone throne shaped well, stone. Weird feathery head piece was a crown. Oh of course it was a crown. Of course this would happen. Gods why can’t cannibals just be cannibals these days, huh? Why must the kidnap you and make you their new crazy lady queen?
“O-Okay I’m sitting, uh huh thank you. No really, I’m good. I- Seriously, shoo,” she said and they instantly backed off back into the crowd. Well say what you will about them and the whole ‘people eating’ thing but they sure were efficient.
“Queen,” one of them said bowing forward and taking her hand in his hand and oh gods he used his hand to eat people, just smile Stel, just smile.
“Okay,” she mumbled to herself, “I’m your queen.”
Great. Just great.
--
It was somewhere in between coming to the conclusion that the Dream Team weren’t coming back for her and the bone necklace they put around her neck that something dawned on Stella. Or, well, Queen Stella. Yes, Queen Stella. Queen of the crazy cannibals who kept trying to hand her over little entrees like she didn’t know what those cubes actually were. Just, no. Anyways, when it finally hit her she stood up from her throne, balancing the feather crown thing with ease and cleared her throat which instantly caught the attention of the masses. Like she said, say what you will but they were very efficient.
“Tribe,” okay, good start, better than ‘yo, yo what up my flesh eating homeys’, “I want the Hide of the Nemean Lion. For my throne. It’s cold. And it’s uncomfortable and I do not want to be uncomfortable,” they stared at her, okay improvise girl, “Now! I want it now! I am your Queen and if my wishes are not met the hell that will reign down on this place from the gods above will be such like you have never before seen,” bring it back in, “So if you could get that for me my dear, dear,” cannibals, “men, that would be so very appreciated by your Queen.”
…And movement! We have movement! Okay Stella you can’t ever let that breath out because right now you are fearless Queen of the Cannibals and their ex-queen is currently residing in a cell made out of bone so you do not want to do whatever she did to get fired. Chanel your inner Xena okay, you are Stella Fucking Asher, remember? You are stronger than all of this. You have to be. Someone will come back for you. Someone will. They have to.
…Or maybe they don’t have to.
Maybe you don’t deserve them too. Maybe- Hide!
Promptly standing she allowed one of her…loyal, loyal subjects to drape said hide of ne-whatever over the stone. Okay step one is complete now to go onto step two of this two-step plan. Staying standing she looked out to them all, so very capable of putting her in stew, and smiled.
“Well, thank you. Now if you don’t mind your Queen must take this fine piece of…lion to…deep in the jungle. She must leave it there with one of her…guards from another land,” what was she even saying she sounded like one of those people who actually knew what World of Warcraft was, “So if you don’t mind I’ll just be offskies,” she said starting forward before there were instantly a band of them in front of her.
“No. Queen stay.”
“I- I will stay, of course I’ll stay,” their faces shifted back into adoration, “But I have to step away for a moment, you know, queen things to do and-,” they were so not moving.
“Queen stay. Queen eat.”
“What?” Oh Gods they were going to eat her.
“Feast! Feast for the Queen. Celebrate!”
“Oh, oh… You’re throwing me a party. A… Cannibal party, okay. I’ll just-,” she shuffled back and sat back down on the throne, “Sit here then.”
Doomed, she was so totally doomed.
--
Do you know how time passes when you’re the Queen of the Cannibals? Slowly.
Stella was absolutely bored out of her mind. If she had to refuse one more entrée of left over people she was going to scream. Honestly she felt their lack of vegetarian option was highly insensitive. Looking at her chipped nails for the millionth time she let out a sigh which resulted in one of the trusty little cannibals rushing over to her side.
“Just sighing, no danger, I swear,” she smiled before pausing, “I’m going to call you Paco, okay?” Paco looked back at her a little dazed but nodded rather enthusiastically so she took it was a good sign, “Paco. I’m super excited for this feast but I don’t want to uh, spoil my appetite. Do you think I could get something…lighter than the main meal? Fruit maybe?”
“Fruit?”
“Yes, fruit. The Queen wants fruit.”
“The Queen has demanded fruit!”
“Yes, yes she has and while you’re at it maybe you can re-do my face paint here and maybe do something about my toenails, my nail polish has chipped. Oh and if you can, I know you probably don’t get Netflix out here but if you guys could maybe sing or dance or re-enact scenes from Gossip Girl, season 3 then that would be great.”
“Net…flick?”
“The Queen demands it Paco, hop too!”
“The Queen has demanded it!” so went the echo of the land.
Well, at least if she was going to spend the rest of her life out her as Queen Cannibal no one was ever going to disagree with her.
You know you can come sit over here if you manage to wade your way out of all the in flight meal packaging falling over onto your side. I'm sure Mister 'OMG the food's free' will be fine without your shoulder to drool on.
