Brian. Brianbrianbrianbrianbrianbrian. God my brain is so full of this man I don't even know where to start. Fuckign. Him.
I don't think he has many regrets. If he actively chooses to do something and believes it's for a good reason, he will never quite fully regret it, no matter what problems it may cause. This applies heavily to his backstory, and his raising of the dead in that. But this isn't to say that he doesn't have any regrets, because he has certainly done many things that he is not proud of and wishes he hadn't. He can be terribly impulsive sometimes.
And he can be selfish. He can be oh so selfish. He can make decisions entirely based on how they would benefit him, and completely ignore the repercussions they will have on others. He can get so caught up in fixing his own mistakes and trying to better himself that he will destroy everything he has, and he knows it. He knows he does this but he doesn't realize he's done it again until it's much too late. when he goes out of his way to keep himself from doing it he only makes it worse.
Brian is such. A bastard. His morals are utterly fucked up and always have been. Even on MJE, he is still following his moral code, and throughout the millenia the boundaries of what he will and won't do shift. Because it's not just 'good Brian' and 'bad Brian'. It's just the thought process of how he makes his decisions that changes. It's still Brian.
(more thoughts under the cut, this ended up being very very Long)
He used to hate the morality switch a lot more. In the beginning he thought of it as a form of mind control. And he hates not being in control. I've said it before and I'll say it again: this man is so so fragile. Any semblance of control over himself or his situation that he can have he clutches tight to his chest and refuses to let go.
Brian is, as he says, an honest man. Sometimes too honest. He tells the truth and often doesn't see the point in lying, preferring to be as brutally honest as possible. And I mean brutal. He will say exactly what he thinks unless there is some critically important reason not to. He tells the truth, and the truth is this: he cannot be trusted. He is not a steady force to put faith in. He can't even trust his own image of himself. He will hurt those around him as long as they stay around him. He cannot be trusted.
Brian is angry and he is sad and he is so so fed up with the universe treating him like some sort of sick joke. He lashes out. He can crush a skull with his bare hands and he uses that ability. He has a habit of ignoring things he doesn't want to address. He can and will manipulate his way into never having to address them if he wants. He is so. Very. Flawed.
But he cares. He cares so very deeply and so very strongly for the other mechanisms, and often those they encounter on their adventures. He hurts them because he can't help it and it's what he's used to, but he also throws all the love he has into them. He prefers the version of himself that he is with them, when he can relax and let himself be gentle and comforting. He makes it his responsibility to take care of them, because if he has something to focus on, to channel his energy into, he can avoid spiraling down a bitter path that ends in him alone, which he desperately does not want.
He uses the music as a coping mechanism. Most of the mechs do this, using telling their stories as a way to deal with what they've been through. The problem is, he already has such a paper-thin image of himself and his identity that adding roles and stories as another version of himself just makes that so much worse.
But adding to this, Brian actually oddly enough knows a lot more about himself and is a lot more insightful about his emotions than any of the others. Due to the fact that he is having an identity crisis 90% of the time. He's a lot more in tune with what he's feeling and thinking than he believes himself to be. This, however doesn't mean he's not an absolute mess.
oh and the PROPHECIES. He gives prophecies because he genuinely wants to help, but also he relishes in the ability to change people's lives, to twist their narratives and feel like he's in control of the story. He enjoys it a little too much, and therefore he doesn't give out as many prophecies as he could. He doesn't want to be a puppetmaster. He just wants to help, and he won't let himself go any further than that. Which is also often why he keeps his prophecies somewhat vague, because he doesn't want to control people's lives like that. And he always blames himself if the story ends badly, even if it isn't entirely his fault.
There is so much he struggles with. But he works so very hard on himself. He figures that he's immortal, after all, and takes the time to work through his issues and what he deems the worst parts of himself. And he does get better. He learns how to reign himself in and smooth out his rougher patches. Not entirely, but enough that by the end of his immortal life he deems himself someone he could maybe be proud of.
OH I FORGOT TO MENTION: he is a stubborn bitch and can be immovable when he wants to be. He waits a lot longer than he should to launch himself into the void for the last time, because he doesn't want to leave any of the others and part of him is terrified. He's given up on heaven or hell, at this point he really hopes he doesn't end up anywhere. And he's actually made his peace with the afterlife, as he ran into the priest from his backstory multiple times over the millenia, and they actually talked about it once or twice. He just hopes that wherever he goes he won't be lonely. And he isn't, even as he dies. He has the stars for company, and the billions of stories he's told that have all become such a vital part of himself. He dies alone, but not lonely.
