#dstextpost

[mylifemywholelife]

Generally when I don't know the answer to something bothering me I send it out as a thought to the universe.  In truth praying to God for the possibility of an answer. On a day like today when I idly watch someone I know get married, I ask the question that plagues my mind. "Will I ever be the one to walk down the isle, will I ever get married?"  It wasn't until today when I heard a small answer back and an image overtook my mine. "Sorry" I heard in the back of my mind " I am so sorry" and the image of a man shaking his head.  And although above all else I wish for someone to love my like the man at the end of the isle and a child I could love forever.  The answer did not make me angry it just made me more determined to change my fate and if I don't then I can always hope that there is a plan for me.

[mylifemywholelife]

Today I have never felt more selfish.  Because I am bothered by my wants and desires and not by the things I need.  But these things that I had wanted the things that I was able to have made me happy.  And today I learned that there is no way for them to actually happen.  I can't help crying and it feels so stupid.  So arrogant and selfish of me.  So flipping spoiled where people live in dirt and poverty, there are worse things to be upset over.  And here I am upset over my replacement car and tickets to a musical.  But for a moment I was infinitely happy at absolute wonders that could have been mine and now all they are and will be are things that could have happened.

[mylifemywholelife]

*Rant*

I've been plagued by this off- hand comment someone said to me yesterday.  I just can't seem to get it out of my head and it just keeps making me angry.  So if you'll refer to my previous post (TL;DR: my 11 month old puppy has two broken knees).  So while discussing my broken puppy with my mom who is a secretary, another secretary decided to add her input, as she also has a puppy.  In the means of discussing how my puppy was doing she said the single most ignorant thing on the subject of dogs that I fathom.  She said and I quote "and you only wanted a puppy".  Granted I think she meant it to be comforting.  I guess as someway to relate how to how I was feeling about my puppy being broken.  But if you go into adopting puppy only for the puppy than you should not own one.  I am upset for my broken puppy because he wants to run and jump and play and I have to tell him he can't.  I am upset for my puppy because I look at him and want so much for him.  SO WHEN YOU SAY "AND YOU ONLY WANTED A PUPPY" you are wrong.   Because I want a dog to grow old with me, to live along side me, to adventure with me, to care for me, to see me get married, to see my have a child.  Because in my puppies lifetime al these things could happen. So no when I saw my darling little perfect (broken and all) puppy, for the first time, I did not think "oh what a cute puppy"  I looked at him and saw a life together and knew without a doubt he was mine.

[mylifemywholelife]

I have a puppy.   My wonderful, lovely, beautiful, handsome, perfect puppy.  He is eleven months. I love him more than anything.  Yet, he is broken.  Due to a genetic defect both of his back knee joint's aren't deep enough so his knees keep "popping" out of place.  His one knee actually popped and tore his ACL .  Thats unfortunately how we learned about it.  Now his other leg is beginning to due the same thing.  When he turns one this year he will have two back knees held together by screws.  I stare at him as I lay next to him on the floor and wonder if he is okay.  Because my puppy is the most happy, outgoing little boy I've ever know even as he has to ask for us to help him up.  I only wish for him to be better.  I only wish to make him better.  Money is always an issue, but luckily my family and I agree that we would do anything for him.

[mylifemywholelife]

I was always taught to be quite in how I'm feeling or to not complain.  As a girl they said it was more "appealing".  I don't want to be quite any longer but I'm almost unable to be who I really am.  Without self regulating to the point of punishing myself.

[mylifemywholelife]

I think I've figured out why kids do bad things.  Mostly because people remember the bad things about you longer than the good.

[mylifemywholelife]

For once in my life I'd like to have a conversation about myself, without feeling guilty, selfish or conceited and without anyone trying to fix me.

Where you could ask me questions like "what's it like to feel like that" or "how did you know".  Instead of trying to solve a problem you don't understand, I long to be understood.

[mylifemywholelife]

When I am around you I feel like I will always be second best and i just can't have people in my life that make me feel that way.

I am no ones second best.