#durjhfic

[essayofthoughts]

YAY! For the Durge & Orin asks - honestly they're all so juicy, let's just start from the top!

1 When did your Durge and Orin meet? What was their relationship like initially? Did their feelings towards each other change over time?

2 What was their relationship with Orin like immediately before the tadpole lobotomy? Was Orin sure in her decision, or did she regret what she was going to do?

3 How did Orin go about taking your Durge down? Did she need to trick them? Was Durge blindsided, or did they see her betrayal coming?

Thank you! @play-me-a-durge

1. When did your Durge and Orin meet? What was their relationship like initially? Did their feelings towards each other change over time?

They met when Durjh arrived at the temple, shortly after having killed their parents. Durjh was kind of a wreck for various reasons (loss, grief, knowing they should feel bad for murdering their parents but not doing so and feeling guilty about that instead) so initially I don't think Orin really saw them as much of a threat to her position even having been informed that Durjh was Bhaal's specialest little chosen.

I think conflict started when Durjh started doubling down on the murder all the time path and was very clearly getting more notice from Bhaal than Orin's elaborate murders - I think initially this was a point of rivalry more than conflict, with heated debates and competitiveness, but I think Gortash entering the scene changed that. Gortash was a peer for Durjh but also took Durjh's time away from the temple and from debates with Orin. Gortash was also an outsider who's perspective on any gripes Durjh had about Orin's elaborate murder would have been less understanding of Orin and likely encouraged Durjh to draw hard lines and be less forgiving. I think there was certainly a point where it was 50/50 on if Orin would try to kill Durjh or Gortash.

I think even when at their most frustrated with Orin, Durjh didn't really consider her a serious threat. They felt that it was closer to their historical rivalry than something to actually be wary of and- well, I'll get to this more in 3.

2. What was their relationship with Orin like immediately before the tadpole lobotomy? Was Orin sure in her decision, or did she regret what she was going to do?

B A D. Like the absolute pits. The companionship of people they considered actual peers in the form of Gortash and Ketheric very much caused a rift between Durjh and Orin from a rivalry which, while dangerous, was at least understood, to a much more dangerous chasm that could no longer be bridged.

I don't think Orin had any doubts at this point. I think she was feeling locked out of what was going on, potentially threatened by Durjh's tadpole plan (Was she too to be tadpoled and denied autonomy? Was Durjh going to tadpole her and deny her the freedom to murder as she felt was right? Was this the culmination of that debate?) and I think she also felt the plan - or at least what she knew of it - was kind of hypocritical? She wasn't allowed to enact complex, elaborate murders, but Durjh could take their sweet time on this elaborate plan - ignoring that this plan would kill thousands if not millions, while hers usually only killed a handful at best.

I don't think she felt any real regret about it. I think she might have been upset that they couldn't have resolved it as true Bhaalspawn, fighting each other openly, but I don't think she regretted her decision to defeat her rival blood-kin.

3. How did Orin go about taking your Durge down? Did she need to trick them? Was Durge blindsided, or did they see her betrayal coming?

Short answers: Directly, no, knew she would betray them but blindsided all the same.

The thing is, Durjh kind of figured that if anyone was going to betray them within the temple, it was Orin. That was a given. Sarevok was too fanatical about Bhaal specifically and while he might push and grandstand, he'd bow to Bhaal and Bhaal's Chosen. Other members of the temple were just not going to dare.

Orin, meanwhile, was very sure of her own strength and rightness, raised to be Chosen before Durjh came to the fore - Durjh could cow most others. They couldn't cow Orin. Plus, the rivalry had got worse, Orin was especially angry, Orin was also the one at the temple the most with the most influence over the novices... if anyone was in the position to challenge them and try to take over, it was Orin.

However, Durjh kind of... didn't think Orin actually would? A thing about Durjh is that they can be very confident - sometimes overconfident. Both before and after tadpoling that confidence and... strength of purpose? Comes through, even when not entirely warranted. Durjh believes there is power in certainty and making a decision, even a bad one, and that's part of that here: Durjh was certain that they ruled. That even if Orin wanted to betray them, she respected their authority and their status as Chosen, that she knew she wouldn't have a chance if she tried. A thing with my Durjh is that they can always tell if it's Orin no matter her disguise, something which was fine when they were rivals but which infuriated her as the rivalry became genuine hatred - she couldn't use one of her key skills to catch Durjh unawares.

But Orin, while reckless, also isn't stupid. I think she got Stillmaker or some kind of paralytic she could stick on her knife so it would only take one strike to prevent Durjh from acting and just... went for it. Durjh at Moonrise was at the seat of their plan and their power, they had two peers who, even if they didn't entirely trust them, believed they had an even relationship with and understood the threats of. For Orin to attack them there would be incredibly reckless and dangerous-

But then why would Gortash or Ketheric stop her? Her instability makes her easier to turn against the other or into a reasonable threat to team up against. We know the Chosens of the Dead Three were all making their own plans to claim power; preventing the internecine Bhaalist quarrel would mean they had to deal with Durjh, the bigger threat, and not Orin who, while a threat, would have newly claimed leadership and have that to deal with that, while also being clearly unstable and volatile.

So... yeah. Durjh knew that the person to betray them was going to be Orin. But they never thought she'd 1. go through with it and 2. succeed. The unexpectedness of that is part of why Durjh has this deep, lingering, hate-disgust for Orin even post-tadpole, and they don't understand where it comes from or why they feel it.

[essayofthoughts]

Saw this interview question and couldn't help but think it would be perfect here so:

If you were an environmental storytelling skeleton, how do you think you'd be found? 🩻

@play-me-a-durge

Hm. Hm. I have no idea for me, but Durjh...

I mean Durjh is a Durge so rightly their body should be found in the Bhaalist temple, but assuming that they got to to the beach and someone else was the player character/protagonist...

Hm. Durjh probably would have ended up in a cage like Lae'zel, having fallen into a trap. So... probably Durjh would be in a pit trap by those goblin traps on the path up to the Grove and their presence there would be a Hint to keep an eye out for other traps in the area - active traps as opposed to the obvious ones the goblins left around.

So yeah. I think that's how Durjh would be encountered as a storytelling corpse - clearly another escapee of the Nautiloid who fell face first into a goblin pit trap, and thereby serving narrative purpose in advising the players: hey, there are pit traps, go stealthily and disarm them.

[essayofthoughts]

6 and 14 for orin and durge asks

Hello! Thank you for the ask!

6. Does your Durge consider Orin a sibling? Do they think of her as family at all?

Pre-tadpole no. Post-tadpole no. Post-fighting Orin, yes. Which is very odd for my Durjh, because they've very very much shed their past identity as an aspect of themself. They know that some people see their past self and their present self as parts of the same but they do not, and they have a very strong reaction when people try to use, say, some kind of tie to their past self to try to have sway over their present self. They reject that: they are not their past self, so the ties of their past self do not bind them.

Pre-tadpole they were Blood-kin and competing to be Bhaal's bestest baby (at least until Durjh took the lead entirely) so I think the best way of describing it would be family but not siblings. After Durjh developed the plan and started working with Gortash and Ketheric the distance only grew.

But with what they find out about Orin, with the fact that Orin spent her life in the cult and was denied any chance to see who she might be beyond that, with how, when presented with the facts of her history, Bhaal overrode her will and forced her to Slayer up regardless... yeah, Durjh feels a deeply fucked up twisted kinship with Orin. They, like Orin, have had their will overridden because Bhaal wants a murder done in his honour. They, like Orin, were denied much outside the cult - in their case because the Urge rose up and they killed their parents. And by this point, Durjh has a deep belief in the right of people to choose their own paths - they've seen how being controlled and denied that choice has hurt their friends. So they are deeply indignant on Orin's behalf. They feel deeply sorry for her and wish she could have had a chance, as she gave them, to be otherwise. They are very aware they are possibly the only person to grieve her when she's dead.

So yes. Pre-tadpole they're family but not siblings, to Durjh's perspective. Post-tadpole they have their weird lingering disgust-hatred of her.

And then they find out about her mother-sister, and see her denied choice, and even as they fight her, they wish they could fight Bhaal. Because very suddenly they see a very close point of connection between them, right at the point they can no longer do anything but kill her. And they hate it.

While my Durjh does not want to have kids, if they ever adopted a kid, they would offer them "Orin" as a possible name, due to a ... somewhat childish desire to give Orin another chance? To let her live again, outside the cult. To give her the fresh chance that she gave them. To, by proxy, give her a fresh start.

Orin, of course, would probably find this rather patronising and awful if she knew. It is probably for the best that she never has the chance.

14. Was there anything Orin and your Durge really admired about each other?

I think Orin admired Durjh's single-minded ruthlessness. You know that Animorphs quote about ruthlessness? This one:

"People don’t understand the word ruthless. They think it means ‘mean.’ It’s not about being mean. It’s about seeing the bright, clear line that leads from A to B. The line that goes from motive to means. Beginning to end. It’s about seeing that bright, clear line and not caring about anything but the beautiful fact that you can see the solution. Not caring about anything else but the perfection of it." - Marco, Book #30: The Reunion, pg. 71 (by K.A. Applegate)

That's Durjh pre-tadpole. A little post-tadpole too, but in a different direction. But pre-tadpole, this is very much Durjh and I think Orin respected that utter, perfect drive. I think she was disappointed by the simplicity of their murders and I think she... hm. I do think she envied how easy of a time Durjh had in getting Bhaal's attention? She went to such elaborate extents for a drop of Bhaal's attention and Durjh could knife someone in an alley and get a pat on the head. Bhaal playing blatant favourites. But, in turn, I think she did see where Durjh's utter ruthlessness served a purpose and I think she admired their perfect precision of it - as long as it wasn't pointed at her.

Meanwhile... I think Durjh did admire Orin's ability to plan, even if they found what she planned for deeply frustrating. I tend to think of Durjh as... kind of a complete disaster? My headcanon runs that they were largely normal until puberty, when the Urge kicked in and I think they were horrified when they murdered their parents - but not horrified that they had. Horrified by how easy it was, horrified by the fact they didn't feel guilty. And I think that, that realisation of how easily and remorselessly they could kill, I think that fucked them up deeply, because up until that point, they'd been a normal kid, with normal expectations. And now their parents are dead by their hands and they don't feel guilt and they know they should feel guilt, they've felt guilt over other things they've done wrong, why don't they feel ashamed of this, why does murder feel right-

I think they followed Sceleritas because they were at a complete loss. I think they murdered because it was one thing which conclusively felt right. I think they planned to murder the world because if the world was dead, no one else would ever have to know that they murdered the parents they loved and felt no guilt over it. I think it was that singular focus because they had to find something to hold onto, a clear light to follow, because otherwise they'd wander off the tide-washed causeway and into deep water and drown. I think, until they had that murder the world plan, there were times when they struggled. But... what else did they have? They'd murdered their parents. They'd murdered so many. So they doubled down. They can't go back. They must go forward.

(Thoughts which post-tadpole Durjh echoes.)

And then there's Orin, and her joy in murder. I think that re-contextualised some things for them, and, just as there were times they struggled, I think Orin's joy was it's own lighthouse to them and gave them some good days too.

I think, on some level, they liked having her as second, because she found wholeness in the chasm they'd thrown themself into for lack of anything else. They were plummeting, occasionally finding points of light or rocks to adjust trajectory from, while she was flying, free and happy. And if they could grasp onto her, keep her joy close, maybe that could be a way out of the pit. Maybe, some brief times or when they were in the pits, they could inhabit her joy instead of their own empty, utter purpose. I think they were exasperated by what she chose to plan for, and I think their admiration of her joy didn't stop them from wishing she'd be more efficient and less elaborate - but I think her joy was a shining star to them, and something they dearly wished they could have or knew how to find. To pre-tadpole Durjh, murder was peace, it was purpose, but it wasn't joy.

Anyway. This is all to say: I think they admired Orin's ability to plan and the sheer joy she found in murder and in planning murder.

[essayofthoughts]

Oh yay! Cozy Camp OC Asks!

13 Are they modest/shy about bathing in front of others?

37 Do they like to play any games (dice, cards, lanceboard, etc.)? Are they any good?

39 Are there any NPCs they do not allow to join the camp? Or any they allow to join but can't stand?

40 What's their favorite/least favorite thing about life on the road?

Thank you! ^.^ @play-me-a-durge

13. Are they modest/shy about bathing in front of others?

Durjh does not understand the concept of modesty. They can, will, and do walk across camp naked if that feels the most efficient to them, startling many Gales. They do need to have the idea of washing and bathing fully to be explained to them a bit - so far in what I've written they've only really washed parts of themself (hands, blood off their face, etc.) but they'll understand bathing the self as being like washing laundry - a practical necessity which can be fun, and just get on with it. Aside from their desire to not make the memories of their parents sad by killing innocents, they don't really have much of a sense of shame (yet. They may well start to develop one due to attachment to the party).

37. Do they like to play any games (dice, cards, lanceboard, etc.)? Are they any good?

At the current point they do not understand such games and are probably bad at most of them. Especially anything which requires lying. They do not like and are not good at lying.

Later, post-Netherbrain, I have decided that Gale teaches them lanceboard for Reasons. They actually end up reasonably good: they enjoy the strategy and planning aspects of it because it actually forces them to think and plan, and thus stretch muscles they're not used to using, but in a safe way where failure is allowed.

39. Are there any NPCs they do not allow to join the camp? Or any they allow to join but can't stand?

Of the ones you can get in-game - they allow Volo to stay and hate him, they find him too loud and too talkative and unlike Gale he doesn't know when to shut up and stop making their migraine worse. They avoid Volo at all costs.

They do not allow Minthara in because I'm pretty sure they're going to just kill Minthara. Durjh believes in immediate, practical solving of problems and sometimes that means murder.

I think when it gets to it they'll try to warn Yenna away, and if she's insistent then they'll in turn insist that she stays with the druids - Halsin, Jaheira - because both know how to handle children and both can turn into big beasties and protect her if Durjh goes feral. Arabella at least had a reliable Withers present and interested in her wellbeing.

I think by the time they encounter Minsc they're sure enough of their ability to handle people they find frustrating or difficult, and also because Jaheira knows him, they just decide that he's Jaheira's problem.

For non-canon camp NPCs: in the chapter I'm currently working on, they do feel a deep desire to fulfil Edowin's dying wish for them to protect Andrick and Brynna and consider inviting them to camp. However, on finding out they were to find fugitives from the Nautiloid wreck, they decide very firmly against it.

I think when they get to Act3 and the Cloister, I think they at the very least offer Nocturne a spot at their camp if she wants to spend a bit more time with Shadowheart before leaving to find another Sharran cloister. I've yet to decide if Nocturne does briefly stay or not.

There are some other NPCs they're likely to invite back to camp but I consider those far more significant spoilers and shall not share here.

40. What's their favorite/least favorite thing about life on the road?

Favourite is new experiences and chances to learn! In what's currently posted they are all of three (3!) days old, and so everything is new and wonderful and because they're travelling there's always MORE new and wonderful. There's a lot going on and some things are new and daunting but there's a lot of new which isn't. While they do find Gale's wordiness excessive and exhausting when they're already tired, they turn to him a lot precisely because he's so free with information: they get to learn about every new thing they encounter by turning to wizard Siri Gale and going "Siri Gale, explain [X]".

Least favourite is currently why is the sun so bright. Why is it sunny. Why does my head hurt. Why is sunglare so awful. I hate it. Someone needs to make Durjh sunglasses and get them a wide-brimmed hat, they'd be so grateful.

[essayofthoughts]

More Durge & Orin asks:

4 How does your Durge feel about Orin in game? Do they remember her at all?

5 Does your Durge regret Orin’s death? Would they have saved her, if it were possible? Did they find a way to do so anyway?

7 Did your Durge have any siblings in their foster family? Did they always want a sibling before meeting Orin? How does Orin compare to the foster siblings they may or may not have killed?

Looking forward to more Durjh lore! ^.^ @play-me-a-durge

Oooh, thank you! I do enjoy doing these.

4. How does your Durge feel about Orin in game? Do they remember her at all?

This is a little elaborated on Here, but for this specifically, they don't initially remember her but they still reflexively hate her. Because my Durjh never does anything normally XD

While they don't consciously remember her, she does turn up when they dream memories - someone who they always recognise no matter the face they wear, and who they hate every time. Durjh thinks this is probably a mixture of what dreams are meant to be, lost memories, and their very obvious brain damage.

It is not.

I don't think they ever regain memories of her fully, but their opinion of her does change, especially once they find out she was the one to stab their face open. Especially once they find out her family history and see her forced to Slayer up by Bhaal. Especially once she's dead.

Durjh has some really complicated, fucked up feelings about Orin, but most of all they wish she could have got the same second chance she gave them. By the end, they don't hate her, they just feel deeply, profoundly sorry for her.

5. Does your Durge regret Orin’s death? Would they have saved her, if it were possible? Did they find a way to do so anyway?

Yes, yes, no.

They did very much want to talk Orin down, but also doubted it'd work: Orin's a fanatic, and Durjh knows what it's like for Bhaal to take over. If there had been a way to save her, yes they would've tried to.

Sadly, Bhaal's "Slayer up, bitch!" attitude of taking away his Chosen's agency prevented any of that, and also earned him Durjh's Super Ire. Durjh has a little mental checklist of gods and godlike beings they want to fistfight, and Bhaal is on it for several reasons.

Instead, Durjh has decided that, while they have no intention of having children of their own, if they ever take in a child, they will offer it the name "Orin" as a possible name they could take if they want. In some respects Durjh is quite childlike in how they think about certain things, and in this especially, it's very much a desire to, via proxy, give Orin a second chance.

7. Did your Durge have any siblings in their foster family? Did they always want a sibling before meeting Orin? How does Orin compare to the foster siblings they may or may not have killed?

I don't think they had siblings! I think they had cousins who they were reasonably close to, but no siblings - I think they ended up with the family they did specifically because the family was childless and hoping for either a child of their own or a fosterling they could take in - and they got Durjh. I don't think they ever wanted a sibling - wouldn't have minded having one, but didn't really feel a need for them, with their cousins and the other children living on their street. I think after they murdered their parents they were complicatedly glad they hadn't had a sibling - perhaps frustration with a sibling might have caused them to murder sooner, and they're glad for all of the time they did get with their parents. They certainly would have murdered their sibling too, and also felt no guilt and then felt guilty for not feeling guilt and they don't know how they'd have handled that. I think there was also a bit of Bhaalist regret that they hadn't had a sibling they could have added to that first murder-sacrifice, followed by reflexive (not instinctive) disgust at the thought.

Durjh did not handle the loss of their family well. Who would, even with Bhaalspawn instinct suppressing one's capacity for guilt, horror, or disgust at death and murder? That's still people you knew, gone; still control over oneself, lost. And not feeling guilt when you've been raised to believe you should can be just as harrowing as the guilt itself - and can cause it's own guilt.

I do think that, while they didn't consider Orin a sibling, the way the two of them interacted did have a sibling-esque aspect to it. Bickering, sometimes amiably, sometimes acrimoniously, rivalry, in-jokes, etc.. But I think that 1. Neither of them would ever have acknowledged it and 2. It dropped away once Gortash entered the picture and the rivalry took centre stage in their dynamic.