#dvmemories

[flappyjackk]

Journal Entry 4/15/15

I told myself I wouldn’t write about this boy. I told myself to leave it alone and forget about it, but the longer I wait for something to happen the longer I risk nothing happening. Therefore, for my sanity it’s best to release such things since we don’t have much longer anyway. Due to life finally making us part into our own separate fields.

I won’t deny, at first my attachment to him solely dealt with his personality, the way he carried himself and how fucking incredibly intelligent he is. The way he runs laps around my brain turns me on faster than any shirtless guy I’ve ever drawn. His use of vocabulary, the way he seamlessly tries to explain science to me keeps me more mesmerized longer than any painting I’ve ever stared out. I’ve discovered that people are prettiest when they talk about something they really love with passion in their eyes, therefore it truly amazes me just how much of a superb human being he is and he has no damn clue, it’s oblivious to him. Why? Because of deceitful, obnoxious females who continue to drag his name through the dirt. Bless his heart, for they do not, and cannot comprehend that his loyalty lies within his eyes. He genuinely listens to your concerns and it shows through his eyes. They do not, and cannot understand that his compassion lies within his hands. His embrace is so pure and reassuring, I can’t fathom why anyone would not want to have that for the rest of their fucking lives. It’s mind blowing and completely sickening how people today look past one another not knowing that someone who’s capable of loving you for a lifetime is right in front of you. But people brush it off like a piece of shit. It drives me insane because relationships are investments not hobbies. We gotta grow up sometime. I’ve been in one relationship thus far in my life, and I must say had it been with someone like this guy here -I’m pretty confident I would’ve busted my ass to make sure we both were content. But people don’t understand that anyone can fall in love, or obtain feelings for someone. But dammit it takes maturity and self-growth to actually keep those feelings constant. And if either sides are lacking, there’s going to be 2 outcomes. 1 - One side is going to give up and end it or 2 - One side is going to give up while the other side picks up the slack to keep it going. There’s no going back after option one. But dammit if it’s option two, then the one picking up the slack is someone you’d better fucking hang on to. And that’s exactly the type of person he is. He tries so hard to keep his happiness alive and me being his gay friend, I don’t know how to console him without it coming off as something more. I am so fucking lost about how I feel for this boy it’s ridiculous. In all honesty I'd be okay with him ripping my shirt off and pinning me against a wall without warning but that’s only a scene in my drawings. Regardless, I just want him to be happy. It shames me to hear of his discouragement from irrelevant females who make me vomit at the thought of kissing him, because I know there are several hard working women out there who’d enjoy every bit of him. I know I would. Alas, finding those particular women explains his continuous struggle. But as always, I wish him the best. Lights out. 

[flappyjackk]

Journal Entry 12/24/14

Morning's coming but not yet, and I am surrounded by my thoughts, my desires and bliss.

MY THOUGHTS I am consumed with work and creativity. Constantly taking in as much as I can, only to distribute just as much as I gained. I am drained. My words could be mistaken as negativity but are certainly far from that. Most pleased is how I would describe it, there's no doubt about it. I just graduated from college and have acquired a job that requires the use and attention of all the hours that were put into the gaining of my degree. My creative ways of thinking, solving and designing are being put to the absolute test and although right now it may be overbearing, Mr. Handsome reassures me that it shall not go in vain. He comforts me and I haven't even felt his touch or witnessed his laugh.

MY DESIRES He consumes me, pleasantly with no hesitation. Mr. Handsome. Everyday is the same, I wait for my phone to spell his name and my face illuminates the room. He is the only constant truth in a world full of lies and I crave him. Alas, if the one to have him is not me, so be it, at least I have gained the knowledge that I want more people like him to surround me. Friendly, knowledgable, trustworthy, honest and pure. All traits that are evident in him but are fading in the community around us. Pity.

BLISS My life is full of blessings and blissfulness. I am content with who I am, where I am in my life and who I have in my life. To my roommate, we have created a living environment that not only satisfies me physically but also emotionally. I am not afraid to completely relax and be myself alone or with you. I am not worried about being judged after a long day of finally being able to work two jobs. I am thankful. To my mothers, biological and adoptive, you raised a leader who wholeheartedly lives his life to the fullest. To my adoptive father, te quiero mucho y gracias por todo. To my friends, I hope I have impacted your life as much as you have mine. Everyday I am reminded of various memories that consume my mind and I smile with a peaceful heart knowing that I have shared such precious moments with so many. It truly is breathtaking having others to love and knowing they love you back. To my family, you cannot pick them sometimes and I am so glad I was born into one such as grand as ours. We're a unit, constantly growing, learning and enjoying one another. Don't be afraid to lean on each other, especially me. We've come too far to not be able to check on each other in times of need instead of just simple phone calls. Spend quality time when possible, it defiantly makes a difference. To myself, carry on. You are such a dedicated young man to your community, your work and especially to your art, which will go far when the time comes. Enjoy your life and the small things like hugs and laughter. Cherish all the good things.

[flappyjackk]

23 DEEP QUESTIONS

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? Either is fine with me. Communication through the eyes is what I cherish, although body language plays an important part, I believe eye contact is stronger.

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? I honestly cannot recall at the moment, I am completely relaxed and refuse to let the past ruin my present.

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?

I'd call my biological mother in hopes that she would be woman enough to tell my adoptive mother the news and how I love them both dearly.

4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid? Death isn't avoidable, therefore from a very young age I have accepted death. I do not think I would tell anyone, I would continue to live my life the way I do now. Being the designer everyone loves. I'd probably design my funeral cards or something or leave a badass farewell card / will.

5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust. I'm going to go with trust because I had an incident back in high school where my best friend believed I was telling lies to the school about him. Everyone had him fooled and made me out to be the worst thing that ever happened to him but I told him if he gave me one more shot I'd prove my worth. He told me his darkest secret and the school never knew it. Our bond and trust to this day is evident.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not? Of course! There's other jobs out there, and probable better ones. That dog could belong to anyone, maybe someone you care about.

7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? The one I love the most because love conquers all, I'd forgive them but never forget it.

8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say? It's always the other way around, I'm the one who usually catches the feelings first. They leave me and find other interest. It happens.

9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?No one close to my family has died recently, therefore I have to refuse this one.

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?100%

11. Does love = sex? HELL NO! I get so frustrated over this. For you to love someone it doesn't have to involve sex, plain and simple.

12.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?

Right now, since I am financially stable to in this case yes. This time I'd take the fall.

13.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? A few months ago, I told them I was interested in them and wanted to be more than friends. The usual, they couldn't reciprocate.

14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or that you do not love them back? Neither because both options are a way of life and it goes on regardless.

15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? My iPod. Listening to music is like having a cigarette for me. I need to be able hear certain songs at certain times to calm me down or even pick me up. I put memories to songs therefore I need my iPod with me.

16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? My roommate, he's sleeping in the next room. Sweet man.

17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why? I would change the fact that me and jesse don't talk anymore. I really cared about him but this is something I know too well - people always come and go.

 18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not? Yes, germs don't bother me.

19.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What the hell is this... logically it would make sense to let the newborn live because there's no telling what life it could lead. 

20. Are you old fashioned? Completely, especially in a professional sense. Vintage business attire is my style.

21. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? Always! That's the way life should be no matter who you are because if so, the possibilities that you actually will get in return are endless!

22.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? True love because that's the way love is anyway. It doesn't last forever just like a broken heart. So enjoy it!

23.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? I wish for me, my friends, family and all those who fight for it, to be as successful as they strive to be.

[flappyjackk]

"Instead of talking about me, talk to me."

-DePaul Vera

[flappyjackk]

Journal Entry 10/26/14

.people ask me, "depaul, who do you talk to about your issues or when life gets hard?" .well, no one .i talk to myself, because i am the only person i've ever had .i'm the one that knows what is best for me and i know i will never let myself down .i've given this world all of my energy thus far and shall continue to do as such but with moments like tonight, there comes a time when enough is enough .i know my limits and they were reached tonight .i don't ask much from people, i rarely do anyways, so when i do ask, it should be understood how much of a major deal it is .yet, nobody listens to me until it's too late and then suddenly my words become heroin, the drug that they need to solve their problems .i'm so tired of giving my all to people and getting just a smidget of satisfaction in return .now, keep in mind i do not expect to get anything in return .however, what the fuck ever happen to common courtesy or generosity? .it has disappeared and it's pathetic .blame it on the demographic i'm surrounded by or the lack of knowledge they possess .regardless, i am tired of the ones i am surrounded by .they use me, abuse me and take me for granted and it's overrated .yet, it is my job to ensure the safety of these individuals are top notch, no matter the circumstances .but my energy is fading .i'm jealous .i'm torn .i'm hurt .the more i talk to myself, the more i become frustrated with my sexuality and my lack of attraction to the female form .it devastates me how much i despise the female figure and everything about it .i am not attracted to girls, i am not interested in vaginas, not having intercourse with them .and the more i think about this, the more i hate myself .i do not feel normal in the circumstances i am in .i do not feel welcomed, or accepted because of my attraction to men .it's still so frowned upon and disgusting, even with people who call me their friend, their mentor, their inspiration .they still look at me as some piece of shit sissy boy who likes other boys .it's heartbreaking .yet, i am still required to walk around as if none of those things are running through my mind .no one knows what is hiding underneath my tongue, how much pain is trying to escape, how much anger is building up, how many tears need shedding .why? .because of the lack of acceptance in the town of Murray .i need release .i need solace .but it's not my turn to have my way

[flappyjackk]

Journal Entry 9/26/14

For living in the same place for four and half years, it's nothing but understandable how once it was a place I called my freedom and emancipation. It was once my solace and remedy of healing and mending of an already broken childhood. This beautiful place of calmness, this place that is Murray has become an absolute black hole of turmoil that continues to suck every ounce of life from my veins and leaving me gasping for help. But no one is far out in space as I, no one knows my trauma as well as I, no one knows my life anymore because I don't see the point in trying to explain the complexities of a situation to someone when they cannot even grasp the essential dilemma in the beginning. It's useless. It's pathetic. But I am constantly and persistently helping others, bettering them, guiding them, loving them, be friending them, why? Because I didn't have anyone, not one soul to advise me through the many hardships I've endeavored throughout my life. But I had myself and I know how extremely difficult it is for yourself to be your only motivation. By all means of determination it is by far the most exhausting experience as a human that I do not wish upon any soul. That is why I strive to be that help, for others to not have to face such a tedious lifestyle that could potentially force you to do the ultimate.  Life goes on, and with it so does the drama. Of all people, I am the least interested in gossip unless it pertains to me specifically because that becomes my situation to handle. In a sense it is none of my business of what another individual says about me behind my back, however, I will never hesitate to confront the matter, regardless of the person. I have hid in the closet for too long and kept my voice quiet for too many years for it not to be heard when words of destruction are spit upon me. Fuck that. Same goes for others assuming my life has always been this way. People are beyond mystified when I try to inform them how introverted I used to be and how I still am to this day introversive. Growing up as a black male, only child who was interested in art lead me to live most of my life in the far corner with my stack of computer paper and a box of 120 crayons (with the pencil sharpener in the back.) Carefree as ever, only worried about my next drawing and if I would stay in the lines this time when I knew it truly didn't matter because I was the only person concerned with my art. I was the only one then, and I am still the only one now. No one truly cares about what I make unless they are involved in it. That is why my Northern Lights have become so popular because it involves other people who want to see their face in art. Which isn't a bad thing at all, it's flattering to them I suppose, but where were they when I was doing my other work. I go on. It's amazing that so many people think they have me figured out when in complete honesty, they have no idea of the hidden bullshit I continue to put up with today. Especially being so open about my sexuality. This is what confuses me, for others to wonder about what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and who I'm doing it with is one thing. But for someone to ask anyone about my life besides myself shows how much of a coward they are. I wear this purity ring loud and proud with the morals my mother raised me. ......

[flappyjackk]

Journal Entry 9/20/14

.less than one hundred days of chaos until my california dream becomes evident .no longer bound by the various hardships of misunderstandings .no more frustration of not being able to spread my wings and soar  .at last a constant spark of joy will be glistening from my eyes as i gaze out to the horizon of my new home .my new life .the waiting .the thought of his presence makes time accelerate beyond belief .the thought of his touch makes my heart dance and flutter alongside a million butterflies .the thought of his kiss makes the universe disintegrate, leaving me breathless in catastrophic danger .i want his apocalyptic kiss

[flappyjackk]

Journal Entry 9/11/14

I am not alright, i'm more confused and mystified than I've ever been and I have no intentions on correcting the matter .simply just letting it be is my solution .why? .for what's the point on complicating a situation with various could-of-beens or various imaginative scenarios that will never happen .i don't want it .i am tired of living my life with mystery and wonder, i want answers .i say fuck labels and go for what you want, no matter what it is .it doesn't matter if society condemns your ways, it doesn't matter if your family is non-supportive, it doesn't matter if others don't agree, it doesn't matter of the reactions, it just doesn't matter .you don't need other's approvals to be happy, although it would be nice, it's not necessary .yourself, alone is your happiness, you have to make it happen .you have to know your worth and believe it, know you're worth more than to settle for anything less than what you deserve .life is not long enough to dwell on satisfying others and it's not worth it .let it go and be free -enjoy your fucking life