Oohuu Totkay S.M.A.S.H.-ing it Up: Inside Our Interview with the Weirdest, Wildest Wrestlers Around Hyrule Periodical Excerpt 2194 On Loan from the Dwick Dwickcast Syndykyt
Read under the cut to see Goron!Dwick's responses to @tides-that-bind-us' wrestling questions!
((So many thanks to @tides-that-bind-us for getting those final effects on the drawing below! YOU'RE AWESOME ^^ ))
❖ “All right, give it to us straight, mac. Who are you, and why are you here?!”
"Ohhhh, no one special, kid. Jus' yer average...twelve-foot tall...nine-foot WIDE, barrel-chested, boulder-fisted, solid slab'a mountain-smashin' PERFECT SPECIMEN'A GORONNANITY--
"Zoooonite-chewin', diiiiiamond-SPITTIN' ROCK BASTARD what's NEVER found a face he couldn't SHOVE UP ITS OWN LOINCLOTH--DA ONLY GORON what's traveled unner da sea, sailed 'troo da skies, what kin stop a 'duga in its tracks wit' da POWER'A HIS BREATH ALONE--GIVE IT UP FER THUNDERCRUSHER DWIIIIIIIIIICK!!!!
"I'll tell you what's goin' on here, ya beaky puck - I am here ter smash up every pint-sized, cross-eyed, glass-jawed, tiddler've a FREAK what dis dink-town backwater '''kingdom''' calls a fighter! I am here ter RIP dat S.M.A.S.H. belt OFFA dat COLOSSAL FOSSIL--an' use it as a GIRDLE FER MY LOINCLOOOOOOTH!"
❖ “What has been your experience in training and conditioning for this event?”
"It's been piss. Easy. 'Hyrule,' issit? More like 'I drool.' As in 'I put more work rollin' outta da mountains ter yer north--' what I call 'my house,' by day way, not what you bin askin' -- 'than enny scrap what I've had since gettin' in!' Like, how do you live next ter a volcano an' not figure out how ter take a rock ter da face?! What're yer goros EATIN' from dere, glass an' gypsum?!
"...I'll tell ya what, it ain't da zonite. Now DAT's a rock wit' a POWER SOURCE!
"...Makes my mouth water jus' thinkin' 'bout it. Know what, hang on, packed some fer da trip--"
[Editor's note: Thundercrusher's next several comments were unfortunately incomprehensible as they were accompanied by a...din...of graphic rock crunching and gravel spit.]
❖ “Why do you think you have what it takes to be a S.M.A.S.H Champion?”
"Raw animal charisma. Drink it in, babycakes--" [Opens arms, slaps gut] "--you know you love it.
"Y'know, it's honestly kinda tragic? Like, ever'one knows dey can't touch dis glorious figure -- [Slaps own backside] "--so's dey jus' spend most'a da match dancin' around me! Like, oooh, if'n I dash around 'im fast enough, I kin tire him out an' mebbe score a blow're two! [Chuckles.] "I'm gon' get dat belt all on account'a yer all too stupid ter keep up."
❖ “What do you think separates you from the rest of the fighters?”
"Hot head'a hair, fer one?" [Tosses head, ruffling a rat's nest of graying-red locks.] "Naw, fer serious. Unlike most'a you hYrUlE tYpEs--"
[Extends arms, squats low, leers.]
"I ain't skipped Leg Day."
❖ “I see you looking at that roster. Who’s on that list that you’re looking forward to taking on?”
"Eyes on da prize, baby. I'm gonna make me some turtle soup a'fore dis tournament's out. I mean, sure, Whale One and Whale Wannabe think dey're gon' finally take out the ol' fossil, but c'maawwwwn, you KNOW dat ain't happenin! Dere coach's a SHRIMP!
"A LITERAL SHRIMP!
"DEY'RE BEIN' TRAINED BY LUNCH!"
❖ “What do you want to say to them?”
"What, da whale boys? I 'unno, 'good game?' Dey done already lost. Dey jus' ain't done realized it yet.
"Ol' Coloss-Foss, though? Here, gimme dat--"
[Editor's Note: At this point in the interview, Thundercrusher grabbed our reporter's notepad and wrote out a message so thoroughly unprintable that we have made a note to sanctify all writing implements at the nearest Great Fairy Fountain at the soonest possible occasion.]
"Dat oughtta git unner his beak. Heh."
❖ “How do you see that match going? What’s your strategy for going in?”
"I kin sum it up in three words: 'Nobody expects a speedy goro.' I mean, suuuuuure, ever'one knows the ol' Din-Two Pulverizer, but if Shelly thinks 'ey kin jus' do some baby-game sidestep-sweeper, they's gon' find out it takes a lot more ter knock dis boy off 'is feet.
"Naw, what I'm lookin' forward to?--is my lucky Eld-Rich Divebomber. You ever done see a goro not only land a cannonball shot, but rico-shoot high enough inter da air ter do even more smashin'?
[Thundercrusher grins.]
"I done done it twelve times inna row a'fore. I'mma do thirteen on Shell."
❖ “Is there anyone on there you’re afraid of taking on?”
"Sweety. Tweety. Baby. On'y thing I'm afraid've is what dese babyfights won't last twelve seconds."
❖“And what do you want to say to THEM?!”
[Thundercrusher puts on an exaggeratedly sad expression, protruding an already thick goron lip even further.]
"Make it ter thirteen? Pweeeeeease?"
❖ “Anything you want to say to your fans?”
"Din STRAIGHT I do! You might think, jus' 'cause I'm some big brown rock-eater what's missin' half 'is teeth, I'm some duuuuuumb sumbitch what'choo kin jus' roll outta town. Well, surprise, surprise, fishies an' turtboys, dis rock's gon' stick in yer craw like LAST WEEK'S KRILL! EAT STONE, S.M.A.S.H! GORO REPRESENT!"
[Thundercrusher slams a rhythmic chest beat with one fist, keening and crowing for the audience.]
"YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"