7 Tips and Tricks for New Cat Owners
By Dyer Pierce
So, you've adopted a cat! Congratulations! Cats, or felinusus domesticusoi, are some of the most loving and fascinating additions to any household - and your life just didn't feel complete without something demanding your attention and love after John left, did it? You felt just so sad and alone without another living creature that depends on you for basic sustenance. Here are some tips and tricks for taking care of your new furry best friend!
Tip #1 Burn it Down.
Start over! Start over completely, especially if you were stupid enough to get a kitten.You will almost certainly have to get rid of your comfiest blanket, oldest sweater, and favorite bedspread. Just burn it all down. Move! Change apartments! Don’t subject your landlord to both YOU living there for the last year AND a cat, that’s just cruel. Start over. You and the cat are a unit now. You are one.
Tip #2 Stop Talking to Ted.
Be realistic here, Ted was never really your friend in the first place. Your life is going to improve tenfold without him smelling it up and rubbing his weird nose grease all over it. It’s honestly pretty, like, perfectly convenient that Ted’s allergic to cats. Did you get a long haired one? I bet the fluffy ones really antagonize his nasty allergies. Yeah, fuck Ted. This is for the best.
Tip #3 Commit To Buying a Bunch of Bullshit.
Ugh, this is seriously the worst part about this whole wonderful, magical fucking experience. So, first off, you’re gonna need to actually go to a pet store. I know. But it just gets worse from there; you’re going to have to talk to one of those creepy pet-store-people oh and you can just BET they’re going to have an assload full of recommendations for you. UGH. They just know SO much about shit like, “ohh which kitty-litter brand is ‘best’” and “do cats really know the difference between organic food and my leftovers”. Did you know that they actually shit in your house? Cats, not pet-store-people, although I wouldn't put it past them. Yeah. You have to buy a box for them to shit in. No, I’m not kidding.
Tip #4 Feed your Cat.
Yeah, I know, right? No one ever told you this in like, biology or like, whatever class you studied cats in, I don’t give a shit. Cats, unlike most pets, actually eat food specially made for them. Despite their reputation as fierce hunters and mousers and self-reliant carnivores, that fluffy little piece of shit you brought into your home expects you not only to scoop up its weird turds and pee-clumps, pet it on demand, and let it sleep on your head, that entitled little fuzzball also expects you to regularly give it some weird-smelling protein nuggets bought with your hard-earned money. Look up different types of cat food or ask one of those pet store people, I don’t know. That’s not what this article’s about.
Tip #5 Teach Your Cat How to Do Something.
Now, if you’re broke, which, let’s just be realistic here, you probably are because you’re in your mid-twenties and it’s 2015 and you just paid for an ungrateful, weird cat, and a bunch of dumb shit to keep it happy, you’re probably living in some garbage apartment and paying some sort of bullshit ‘pet rent’, am I right? Yes. I’m right. So that little ball of nightmare fluff over there needs to start pulling his or her own weight around here. Teach it to say “I love you” even though it obviously regards you as no more than a source of food and entertainment, or get it cast on the next ABC family show. Is Dog with a Blog still on? How about Cat with a Blog. Boom. You’re welcome.
Tip #6 Remind It Where It Came From.
Is your cat a rescue? Your cat’d better be a rescue, Jesus Christ. You didn't go to a fucking breeder and ask to pay out the nose for your soft, cuddly neverending stream of vomit, did you? Good. That’d be so fucking dumb, I wouldn't even know what to say to you other than “you are so fucking dumb.” I’d probably say it a couple of times though, to really drive the point home, because Jesus. Find out from the adoption center where they ‘rescued’ your stupid furniture-destruction-machine, and use every opportunity to remind it that you can send it right fucking back there. For example, if your cat was found in a ditch: “Listen, you smear of pee-stained runoff, if you don’t give me my fucking sock back right this instant I will throw you back in that ditch where you came from.” Or if they were found under a dumpster: “Hey you stupid piece of literal, actual, garbage, get out of the closet right this fucking instant or I swear to God above I will throw you out with the compost where you belong.” Trust me, they love it.
Tip #7 Snuggle That Motherfucker.
Spend every waking moment with your face buried in that stupid little piece of shit’s soft, smooshy fur. Carry your cat in your arms all around your squalid little apartment. Kiss its teeny little kitty toes. Talk to the manifestation of your loneliness about John, tell it all about how your parents fight and how you were the first to be eliminated in the spelling bee in fourth grade; make sure to use a cute baby voice. Pretend you’re having a conversation when it meows and demands more food or when you accidentally step on its elegant, graceful tail. When it snuggles up close on a cold night, burst into tears and smear them all over its soft, beautiful, sympathetic fur as you sob yourself to sleep for the fourth time in as many days. Your cat knows. Your cat understands.