Trilateral Conflict
Joe Goldberg x F!Reader x Y! Wilbur Soot x Y! Anon’s OC (Ren)
Word Count: 4k
Disclaimers: Toxic behavior, stalking, break ins
Synopsis: It’s your birthday, you thought you weren’t getting anything. Three unwanted someones prove you wrong.
Birthdays, a yearly commemoration thrown together because everyone gets older.
Well, they weren’t always a commemoration.. or thrown together for that matter. Yours certainly wasn’t going to be, not this year at least. Far away from home, with little to no free-schedule friends around, you were looking at one dreary birthday.
A sudden chime from your phone has you reaching over to check it, with a simple press of the power button the digital screen flickers to life. What greets you is an unexpected message. Joe: Happy Birthday! 🎂 read 6:13 am
This message was from your.. next door neighbor, you believed. The one straight across from yourself. Huh. The both of you had interacted from time to time, first when you moved in and he helped you with a few boxes and then of course when some crazy asshole had slashed your tires and he aided you in replacing them. That was the instance you’d given him your number too..
Anyhow, you two didn’t talk a lot, so it felt a little odd for him to remember such a specific detail about you. You can’t even recall when you must’ve told him. Weird. Not that you were ungrateful though! It was nice to get some acknowledgement on this day of ‘yours’. With a quick few presses on the screen, you shoot back a short yet grateful response. He was a nice guy.
Thank you, Joe! delivered
With that, you shoved your phone right into your purse, and then finished up with some morning flossing. You did have your shitty office job to attend after all.
˗ˏˋ .ᐟ ˎˊ˗
‘Goodbye, you’ Joe mentally hums to himself whilst watching your form disappear into that old little car of yours, completely donned up with fresh new tires. Slashing the old ones had made it so easy to get your number, almost a little too easy, hopefully you didn’t hand it out to everyone you met. The thought of that was definitely.. unappealing.
It was no matter to worry about now. His real focus had to be getting into your apartment during the window of time you were out. It was an easy task, that somehow managed to prove itself as abnormally difficult; considering the minute he opens his door to head across the way to yours, someone’s in the way. A tall-looking man, seemingly fidgeting with the lock on your door. What the fuck? Joe wastes no time in intervening, approaching the man with thinly veiled aggression. “Excuse me, what are you doing?” The man whips around quickly, eyes wide with surprise yet not nervousness. “Who the hell are you?” “I should be asking you that, this isn’t your apartment.” Joe grits his teeth. “This is my girlfriend’s place.” The man in front of him suddenly announces, taking Joe back a bit. But that wasn’t possible, he was sure of it. You didn’t have a fucking boyfriend. He would’ve noticed. This man was lying. “Oh really? So you wouldn’t mind if I snapped a photo of you, sent it to her, and asked for some confirmation then huh?” Joe asked, hoping to call this guy on his bluff once and for all. There was a long strained moment of silence between the two, the taller man almost appearing to be internally fuming. And then.. THAT GUY LUNGED AT JOE!! FROM THE MOUTH! JUST OPENED HIS CHOMPERS RIGHT UP AND WENT “OMNOMNOM!” “WHAT THE FUCK!!” JOE YELLED AS THE CRAZY (BRITISH BTW) GUY TRIED TO BITE HIM, “DID YOU JUST TRY TO BITE ME!!” THEN HE GOT REALLY MAD AND THREW A FIST AT THE BRITISH GUY AND THE BRITISH GUY FELL DOWN AND THEN TRIED TO BITE JOES ANKLE AND DID AND JOE WENT “OW BITCH!!” AND KICK THAT HOE IN THE FACE AND THEN THE CRAZY GUY WAS LOWK CRYIN ON THE GROUND
And some old lady did see this through her peephole and shewascrying too “what these twinks doing in the big twenty twenty six!” AND THEN JOE YELLED “I’LL NEVER LET YOU HAVE HER ERR!!”
AND THAT MADE THE BRITISH GUY GASP IN REALIZATION AND THEN HE SUDDENLY HOPPED UP AND JOE BLOCKED FORSAKEN GUEST STYLE BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA GET HIT BUT NO THE BRITISH GUY WAS JUST RUNNING BACK TO THE DOOR AND BUSTING IT OPEN TO RUN INSIDE AND JOE WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING BUT THEN HE HEARD THE GUY TRIP OVER YO COFFE TABLE AND HE SAW HIM RUNNING INTO YOUR ROOM AND HE REALIZED FUCKKK THIS GUY WAS GONNA TAKE ALL YOUR UNDERWEAR!!
SO JOE RUNS INTO YOUR ROOM AND HE SEES ALL YOUR DRESSER DRAWERS RIPPED OUT AND THE BRITISH GUY AGGRESSSIVELY PULLING OUT ALL YOUR PANTIES AND SMELLING THEM “SNIFFF SNIFF OHR WOAR IT SMELLRS SOR GORD!!” HE SAID HOLDING UP A BUNCH OF YOUR UNDERWAR
AND JOE GOT PISSED BECAUSE THAT WAS HIS FAVORITE NICHE HOBBY FUCK!! “GIVE ME SOME!! STOPPPP YOU’RE TAKING ALL OF IT!” JOE ANGRILY SNATCHED SOME UNDERWEAR AND STARTED SMELLING TOO
BUT SADLY THERE WAS SOMETHING NEITHER OF THEM KNEW.. if either of them had looked up for a minute to see what was on top of your dresser.. They would’ve seen a medicine box labeled “yeastaway”..
BUT ANYWAY THEY WERE SNIFFING YOUR UNDERWEAR SO HARD THEY BUMPED INTO EACHOTHER AND THEN THEY GOT PISSED AGAIN AND THEN THEY STARTED FIGHTING AND SWINGING THEIR ARMS AND SHOUTING AND THEN JOE GOT UP AND FLIPPED YOUR BED OVER ON WILBUR AKA THE BRITISH GUY AD THEN WILBUR WENT EEKKKK AND GOT SUPER MAD AND RAND INTO YOUR KITCHEN AND RIPPED THE FRIDGE OUT OF THE WALL AS COVER BECAUSE JOE STARTED THROWING YOUR PLUNGER AND BATHROOM STUFF AT HIM AND THEN IT GOT TO A POINT WHERE THEY BOTH GOT TIRED SO THEY WENT TO PLAY IN YOUR LIVING ROOM AND THEY WERE BOTH JUST PLAYING BOUNCY CASTLE ON YOUR COUCH BUT THEN THYE BROKE THE COUCH WITH THEIR BIG FAT ASSES SO THEY STARTED SCREAMING GAIN AND THEN THEY RAN OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT…
It was super late when you got off work.. you expected to get off work at like 1 or 2 maybe but then you made a joke to your coworker “and then we get off at 5” and IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!! AND YOU WERE PISED!! BECAUSE 5PM IS SO LATE!! YOU COME HOME AND YOUR APARTMENT DOOR IS FLUNG WIDE OPEN! “FUHC!?” YOU SHOUT IN SURPRISE LIKE YOUR DOOR IS A DOG WHO JUST TURNED INTO A NAKED GUY.
YOU STOMP INTO YOUR APARTMENT AND ITS TRASHED.. WHAT THE FUCK!! WHO TURNT OVER ALL OF YOUR SHIT!! YOUR COUCH IS BROKEN, FRIDGE EMPTY BUT SPLATTERED WITH FOOD AND.. THERES POOP AND BROKEN TOOILET BITS AND SHIT EVERYWHERE. “WHAT DA FUHC!!” YOU SHOUT LOUDER THIS TIME AS YOU STOMP AGGRESSIVELY INTO YOUR ROOM, THE BOOMS OF YOUR STINKY FEET POUNDING AND REVERBING THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE APARTMENT COMPLEX NO DOUBT..
WHEN YOU GET INTO YOUR ROOM ALL YOUR UNDERWEAR IS GONE!! “GODAMIT WHO DID THIS TO MY PLACE!! IM SO FUCKING PISSED!!! DID A SQUATTER GET IN EHRE!! I MUST’VE FORGOTTEN TO LOCK THE DOOR!! FUCK!!!” YOU START JUMPING UP AND DOWN AND YELLING FUCK REALLY LOUD WHEN YOU GET A CALL
YOU LOOK DOWN.. AND.. ITS JOE GOLDBERG…
THE GUY WHOS ALWAYS FUCKING CALLING YOU!
SO LIKE ALWAYS YOU GROAN AND THEN PRESS THE VOLUME DOWN BUTTON ON YOUR PHONE SO IT MUTES.. YOU DO NOT WANT TO CALL BRO RIGHT NOW! AND THEN YOU LET THE WHOLE CALL PLAY OUT UNTIL IT HANGS UP.
ANYWAY YOU’RE PISSED.
AND THEN YOU GET A TEXT!!!
ITS FROM YOUR BOSS!!
Boss: COME BACK TO WORK SLUT! THIS REALLY PISSES YOU OFF!! YOU JUST GOT OFF WORK AND NOW YOU HAVE TO GO BACK!? ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!! FUCK!!
BUT ANWYAY… YOU GO BACK TO FUCKING WORK!! BECAUSE YOU NEED THE MONEY!!! SO YOU JUST LEAVE YOUUR APARTMENT WIDE OPEN JUST LIKE HOW YOU LEAVE YOUR BUTT OPEN BECAUSE YOU DNOT CARE ANYMORE ITS ALREADY TRASHED
BUT THEN YOU GET ANOTHER TEXT AND YOU READ IT.. APPARENTLY YOI MISREAD WILBUR (YOUR SIDE HO BTW) AS BOSS!! DAAHAHAH YOURE SO SILLY!! AND THE TEXT ACTUALLY SAID Wilbur: Want to go on a date lov? Wilbur: com get som tea mate OHHH ITS YOUR BITING BABY!! YOU GET REALLY EXCITED BECAUSE HE REMEMBERED YOUR BIRTHDAY!! BUT THEN YOU REALIZE.. OH.. HE DIDNT EVEN MENTION YOUR BIRTHDAY… SO HE PROBABLY FORGOT.. JUST LIKE SOMEONE ELSE WHO ISN’T GOING TO WISH YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY TODAY..
AT THIS POINT IN THE FIC YOU GET SUPER MAD AND START GOING “STOPP DONT SAY THAT STOP IM NOT READING THIS ANYMORE ITS 12AM IM MAD UGHHH STOP YOU LIAR HES DEFINITELY COMING ON STOP UGH”
BUT THATS A STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME….
YOU WOULD GET DRESSED UP ALL NICE TO SEE WILBUR, BUT YOUR SHIT WAS ALL STOLEN SO YOU HAVE TO SHOW UP TO YOUR DATE IN SHITTY OFFICE CLOTHES!! ALSO THE PLACE YOU WORK IS SUPER HOT NO VENTILATION SO YOUR ARMPITS ARE ALL SWEATED THROUGH.. VERY VISIBLY.. ITS DISGUSTING…
YOU PULL UP TO THE FANCY RESTAURANT ALL STINKY AND THEN WALK INSIDE, YOU GO UP TO THE FRONT DESK LADY AND SHE DEADASS SAYS “EUGGH!!” SO YOURE PRETTY MAD YEAH
“UM.. IM GONNA ACT LIKE YOU DIDN’T JUST SAY THAT TO ME..” YOU MURMUR UNDER YOUR BREATH ALL PISSED. “SO EXCUSE ME IM HERE TO MEET MY BOYFRIEND.. DO YOU HAVE A TABLE FOR-” “EUUHG!!” THE LADY INTERRUPTS YOU AGAIN
“STOP IT YOOU PROBABLY HAVE YEAST!!” YOU SHOUT AT HER EVEN THOGUH YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS YEAST 😂 AND THEN SHE PREESSES THE PANIC BUTTON BUT DOESNT BECAUSE WILBUR SLIDES IN AND GRABS HER WRIST “OI LEZ NOT GET TOO AHEAD OF OURSEVLS HERE MATE” HE SAYS ALL BRITISH
“WILBUR!!!” YIOU SHOUT
AND THEN HE WINKS AT YOU AND GOES “LETS SIDDOWN LOV!” SO YOU GUYS BOTH GO SIT DOWN IN THE SUPER NICE RESTAURANT ITS REALLY NICE YOUVE GOT SOME WINE.. SOME APPETIZERS.. GOING GREAT…
YOU CHUG THE ALCHOL IMMEDIATELY BUT IT DOESNT DO SHIT!! YOU ARENT EVEN DRUNK!! SO YOU REACH ACROSS THE TABLE AND CHUG WILBURS TOO “Um! That was mine!” He says and then signals for the waiter to get you guys another round and you do the same thing again and then wilbur does the 😠 face
“UH YEA OK WILBUR..” you reply all mad
And then wilkbur starts doing that cringe smile he does when things get quiet and you watch him nervously look around befor pulling up a spray bottle from under the table, putting it to his head, and pulling the trigger. “Erm..”
“I’ve got the key and he’s just a doormat…” wilbur whispers under his breath all cringe
“Thats beautiful katie……” “Your new boyfriends an arshol……” THIS SENTENCE TRIGGERS YOU AND YOU START SHAKING AND THEN GRABBING MORE ALCOHOL FROM A PASSING WAITER AND CHUGGING IT! WILBUR GETS FRIGHTENED AT THIS “OH!! BABY WHY ARE YOU DRINKING SO MUCH!… whats wrong.. Why would you do that…” WELL… the truth is.. You think about it.. And it makes you tear up.. Again but even more painfully..
“Ren didn’t come on and text me happy birthday..” you start crying
AND IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHO REN IS WELL LETS JUST SAY HES A REAL BIG CREEP WHO VAPES AND DOESNT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU, HE KEEPS LEAVING FOR WEEKS ON END WITH NO EXPLANATION, GHOSTLIGHTING YOUR ASS, AND THEN IF YOU SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT HE SAYS “OHH ILL CHANGE YOU DESERVE BETTER!!” AND LIKE MAYBE HE DO CHANGE… FOR ONE DAY.. AND THEN HE GOES AND DOES IT AGAIN!! AND YOU KEEP SAYING IM REALLU GONNA DO IT THIS TIME! BREAK UP HIS ASS BUT HTEN YOU NEVER DO!! AND YOU KEEP GOING BACK TO REN!!
AND WILBUR KNOWS ALL ABOUT IT BECAUE ITSALL YOU EVER TALK ABOUT AND WILBUER SUPER MAD ABOUT IT BECAUSE HE JUST WANTS YOU TO TALK ABOUT HIS SHITTY LOVEJOY BAND!! “Can yor jus break up wit him already!” wilbur snaps and SHOUTS at you in the restaurant. “NOOO STOPP HE’S JUST A BABY (he not btw older than you) I CANT!! I CANTTT!!”
“BUT LUV HE ISN’T EVEN HERE FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY!!” WILBUR RETORTS
Omg.. not joe AGAIN… you hit the volume down button on your phone and pretend like that didn’t just happen… “NOOO STOPP THERES STILL LIKE 6 HOURS LEFT IN THE DAY!!” YOU DEFEND YOUR SHITTY BOYFRIEND ad then youbremmeber that you just drank a bunch of alcohol!! Juts like you promised ren you wouldn’t, oh no! So you pull your phone back out, login to quotev.com and then text ren.. Heh… I broke our promise…
AND THEN WILBUR HAS TO HIT THE 💀 FACE REAL TIME.
BUT YOURE PISSED AND DONT WANT TO TALK TO HIS FAKE ASS ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU ARE A DUMB HO WHO LOVES REN AND YOU JUMP UP AND LEAVE. “BYE ASSHOLE!!”
AND YOU STORM ALL THE WAY BACK TO YOUR SHITTY APART MENT… YOU WALK SLOWLY UP THE STAIRS AND THEN SEE THAT ONE KID PACO.. “Hi little buddy” you say to him.. “Oh hey y/n.. Happy birthday…” he says to you.. “Thanks..” at least this little child reemmbered your birthday.. It makes you tear up as you walk up the stairs.
Little did you know, Paco was playing behind you and fake kicking the back of your knee and imagining you falling down the stairs and then laughing and making loud fart noises so you’d look over.. Yeah… WHEN YOU REACH YUOR APARTMENT FLOOR YOU REMEMBER YOUR PLACE ISTRASHED.. FUCK.. BUT YOU CANT SEE IT BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON.. YOUR DOOR IS ACTUALLY SHUT?? YOU’D LEFT IT WIDE OPEN WHEN YOU LEFT. THE FUCK!!! AND ALSO YOUR SHITTY NEIHGBOR JOE HOEBERG WAS STANDING OUTSIDE OF IT.. WHAT IS THIS DIDDYBLUD DOING!! “Joe?” You say raising an eyebrow and moving your head around to see all over
JOE JUMPS UP AND LOOKS VERY NEROVUS,, YOU SEE SOME QUICK MOVEMENT WITH HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK LIKE HE WAS HIDING SOMETHING AND THEN HE GOES “OUGH!!” “What are you doing buddy..” You whisper.. Lowkey scared now.. Joe shakes his head.. And slowly raises his hands.. They are empty.. “Nothing… uggg-err–” why he acting like something is in his butt right now.. Thats actually all you can think.. “Uh yeah ok joe thats pretty weird man..” you just want to go in side this weird af!
And then joes like “wait y/n you look sad why are you sad..” And you sigh because you dont want to talk about it… SIKE!! YOU LOVE VENTING ABOUT REN!! “REN DIDN’T TEXT ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” AND THEN JOE LOOKS MAD BECAUSE HE HATES THAT GUY. “THAT GUY IS A PIECE OF SHIT!” JOE SAYS
AND THEN YOU GET MAD AGAIN, “NO STOPP YOU DON’T KNOW HIM LIKE I DO!! HE’S LITERALLY NOT!” AND YOU RUN INSIDE YOUR APAERTMENT AND SLAM THE DOOR ON JOE BECAUSE YOU DONT LIKE LISTENING TO REN HATE!! UGH
“IM SO MAD..” YOU SAY ANGRILY LOOKING AROUND YOUR MESSED UP APARTMENT
UNFORTUNATELY YOU DIDN’T SEE THE MASKED FIGURE INTIME AND THEN GOT YOUR SHIT BLOWN CLEAN OFF
WELL NOT REALLU U JUST GOT KNOCKED OUT..
LATER ON YOU WAKE UP IN A DARK BASEMENT.. WHERE ARE YOU… THERES A MASKED MAN IN FRONT OF YOU THOGUH..
THATS WHEN YOU REALIZE..
YOU’D HAD A MOMENT WITH YANDERE WILBUR.. AND A MOMENT WITH YANDERE JOE.. SO THIS MUST BE.. OMG.. WAS THIS… WAS THIS REN? REN KIDNAPPING YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY “REN?” you shout excitedly..
AND THEN YOU REALIZE THAT THIS FIGURE IS WEARING A MASK.. MEANING IT ISN’T VAPING.. AND YOU KNOW RIGHT AWAY THAT SHIT ISNT REN BECAUSE BRO IS ALWAYS VAPING! “No.. you’re not…” Then the masked figure says in like a lowkey southern accent……….. “Do I look like DO NOT FOLLOW?” And your crine because no. this wasn’t ren.. Ren bitch not see you on your birthday.. And then for some reason the masked guy is like “im a vampire”
So you say “thats beautiful katie”
WAIT A MINUTE.. WAS IT POSSIBLE THEN THAT.. THIS WAS EDWARD FROM TWILGIHT.. SEXY VAMPIRE? INSTAGRAM REEL BRAINROT REAL AYO!?
AND THEN HE PULLS HIS MASK OFF..
AND ITS THAT
“I ahm noht kahty… I ahm Bill…” HE SAYS
GODDAMIT!!
Ummm… things get awkward as your phone goes off again.. Bill looks confused and mad lowkey
“Ya just press the volume down button..” you say quietly..
So he does before continuing. “y/n… I hard todah was yo birhdah…” he says to you. “Ya..” “Happay birhdah… and I mah yoh dih cahk..” he then pulls a cake out of the shadows..
“Ohh.. thats beautiful katie..” “I am nowh goih to put mah membah in yoh moht..” “WOAHWOAHWOAH!!”
(quick disclaimer, the previous events written, were written before the GREAT 4/20 incident.. I didn know…)
—MEANWHILE—
JOE WAS IN HIS ROOM GOONING IT UP!! “OHH GOOON GOON!!”
BUT HE WAS LOWKEY GETTING BORED OF JUST GOONING AND THEN HAD A LIGHTBULB MOMENT SUDDENLY, “Oh yeah!! Heh.. I put cameras in y/ns apartment.. I wonder what’s happening on those..” So joe pulled out his phone, but of course before he could check the camera app, he had to facetime call request y/n!!
Joe waited while kicking his feet and going “SIGHH.. SIGH.. I WISH Y/N WOULD PICK UP” and he deadass just did nothing but stare at the screen for 30 seconds straight while you didn’t pick up…
He did have some birthday CAKE for you but now you didn’t get to see it on facetime video. “SIGHH… I WONDER WHAT Y/N IS EVEN DOING.. OH EYAH! THE CAMERA APP!” Joe went into the app and he saw a whole new video the motion detection had picked up! This one was from yesterday! He was so happy and excited as he clicked it to watch. On the grainy film.. It showed you.. Smiling and laughing as you texted somebody! BUT YOU never replied to his dms like that so you must’ve been texting someone else.. HE WAS PISSED HIGHKEY!
YOU WERE LAUGHING SUPER HARD ON YOUR PHONE WHILE SITTING ON THE COUCH, “AHAH REN THATS SO FUNNY!!”
FUCKK YOU WERE TALKING TO THAT BITCH REN!! HE HATED THAT GUY!!
AND THEN YOU KEPT LAUGHING SUPER HARD UNTIL.. A LARGE FART SOUNDED OUT! “Ew..” joe whispered as he watched the video.. Poop and farts is so gross..
But you didn’t really care or react to the fart so joe didn’t mind. The laughing over text went on for awhile.. Until you got this.. Weird look on your face, and then you started shifting uncomfortably on the couch. Joe was confused until you.. Kind of started digging in yo buh twin.. And then he was like.. Did y/n poop herself..
And it seems like you were wondering the same thing..
Your face dropped.. “Oh no..” Joe watched as you suddenly ran into the bathroom, luckily he had cameras in there too so when you ran in there it switched camera view. JOE WATCHED AS YOU PULLED YOUR PANTS DOWN ON THE TOILET AND YEP. YOUR UNDERWEAR WAS TOTALLY CRAPPED IN!! THERE WAS BROWN EVERYWHERE!! YOU LITERALLY SHARTED!! YOU GAMBLED A FART AND IT WENT WRONG!! POOP EVERYWHERE!!
“EW!!” Joe screamed at his phone, frightened by the graphic poop shit depicted. He tried to calm himself down with the thought, well atleast she’ll obviously get naked and then hop in the bath to clean off..
BUT NO, YOU DIDN’T FUCKING DO THAT!! YOU JUST LOOKED AT THE POOP AND WENT “OOPS!! I POOPED!! DAHAAH!” AND YOU WERE LAUGHING
AND THEN RIGHT AWAY YOU WENT BACK ON YOUR PHONE TO KEEP PLAYING WITH REN!! DISGUSTING!!
THIS CONTINUED FOR ABOUT HALF AN HOUR MORE UNTIL FINAL YOU PUT THE PHONE DOWN. OKAY MAYBE AFTER SITTING IN HER OWN SHIT SHE’LL GO AND TAKE A BATH.. RIGHT.. NOPE. JOE ACTUALLY WATCHED YOU PULL YOUR OWN SHIT RIDDEN UNDERWEAR BACK UP, GET OFF THE TOILET, AND RUN TO YOUR BEDROOM WITH A POOPY ASS AND PANTS.
YOU DID GET A CHANGE OF CLOTHES WHICH YOU CHANGED IN THE BATHROOM AFTER REALLY WIPING YOUR BUTT!! BUT JOE WAS TRAUMATIZED!! THAT WAS DISGUSTING! YOU LITERALLY POOPED YOURSELF!! WHAT THE HELL!!
JUST WHEN IT COULDNT GET ANY WORSE
YOUR EYES SUDDENLY LOCK IN ON THE CAMERA.. HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS THERE..
JOE WATCHED AS YOU SLOWLY APPROACHED THE CAMERA.. AND THEN WHISPERED.. “No one will ever believe you..” SUDDENLY THE VIDEO SHUT OFF AND JOE GOT SEVERAL ALERTS THAT THE FOOTAGE HAD BEEN CORRUPTED. IT WAS GONE. HE’D BEEN THE ONLY MAN ALIVE TO WITNESS THE Y/N SHIT HERSELF INCIDENT. AND NO ONE WOULD EVER BELIEVE HIM.
Oh and then the next video of you queued up to play and joe watched your ass get kidnapped by some hobo guy!! “OH NO Y/N!!” — back to the present –
“UM LISTEN VAMPIRE BILL I DO NOT WANT YOUR QUOTE END QUOTE “MEMBAH” IN MY MOUTH!” YOU TELL HIM SUPER MAD.
“Pleah” bill replies sad
“NO!! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND HIS NAME IS REN! I WOULD NEVER CHET ON HIM!” “You gonna leht meh hit”
BEFORE ANYTHING CAN ESCALATE THE BASEMENT DOOR SUDDENLY POPS OPEN! YOU AND BILL BOTH LOOK UP SURPRISED
ITS WILBUR AND JOE!!
“GUYS YOU CAME TO SAVE ME!” YOU SHOUT WITH JOY
THEN TEHY JUMP DOWN THE STAIRS AND BEAT THE F OUTTA BILL SOMEHWO AND THEY STAKE HIM AND HE DOES DIE AND BLOOD DOES GO EVERYWHRE UMMM
“Guys.. you saved me..” you whisper to them.. “Hapay birthday y/n!” “happy birthday y/n!” they both say in tandem
“Wow… so are we going to have a threeway relationship now for my birthday or..” “FUCK NO!” “HELL NOR!”
AND THEN WILBUR AND JOE START PUNCHING IT OUT AND FIGHTING CRAZY STYLE AND ITS SUPER INSANE BUT LOWEKY YOU DONT GIVE AF AND JJUST HOP ON QUOTEV TO TALK TO SOME GUY NAMED JASPER
BUT THEN.. YOU STUMBLE ACROSS A GOLDMINE.. AKA THE BIGGEST REN LORE DROP EVER.. YOU FIND OUT EVERYTHING ABOUT REN, THERES CRAZY SCREENSHOTS OF HIM BEING A LYING HO, HOLY SHIT!! “WILBUR! JOE!” you say to them
“WHAT!!” THEY SHOUT BACK TO YOU ALL BEAT UP AND PISSED
“LOOK LOOK! REN’S ACTUALLY A PIECE OF SHIT!! SEE!” It gets quiet…
“Um ya y/n everybody already knew dat..” “FUHC!!”
AND THEN THE MOMOENT OF TRUTH HAPPENS. “So y/n.. Now you have to pick between us… which one of us are you going to date.
“Umm..” you really have to think about this one.
Do you want the british biter
Or the underwear gooner
This is a great question
You take a really long time to think about this one
It you birthday
Hmmmm
You really gotta think long and hard about this
Long and hard like your dih 😂
😂 “I pick..” you suddenly say… “DIDDLER DYLAN!!”
JOE AND WILBUR GET QUIET AND MAD. “WHO THE FUCK IS DIDDLAH DYLAN!” WILBUR ASKS
“DIDDLER DYLAN!! DYLAN LENNIVY FROM THE QUARRY!!”
2023 THROWBACK DYLAN IS BACK!! HOLAY SHIAT!!!
AND THEN YOU RUN UP THE STAIRS AND DYLAN LENNIVY IS THERE!!
AND HE ONLY HAS ONE HAND AND HE KEEPS TALKING ABOUT BEARS!! “HELLO HOWS IT GOING OUT THERE- THIS IS- UHHH- WE NEED HELP- THIS IS- UHHH- WE ARE COUNSELORS AT HACKETTS QUARRY SUMMER CAMP!” DYLAN SAYS!! “AND THERE’S BEEN A HORRIBLE ACCIDENT- ATTACK- UHH SOME STUFFS BAD HERE! WE NEED YOUR HELP! UH- THERES A SWARM OF BEARS, AND THEY’RE EVERYWHERE! AND THERE’S THESE HUNTERS TOO! AND THEY SEEM TO BE SHOOTING AT THE BEARS.. BUT ALSO AT US!” AND YOU START CLAPPING YOUR HANDS AND MAKING HAPPY BABY JASPER NOISES! “DAHAAHAAHAHAHAA! IM JUST A BABY!! IM JUS A BABY!! YAY I LOVE DIDDLER DYLAN FOREVER!”
AND HTEN YOU AND DIDDLER DYLAN GET INTO A CAR THAT SAYS HAPPY BIRTHDAY Y/N ON IT AND RIDE AWAY INTO THE SUNSET!!