Year End Reflections (No, I'm not dead)
This year... hasn't been an easy one.
At the beginning of this year, I found out that my body wasn't working right. It was a relief, because I had felt for a while that things weren't right, but it was also scary, and upsetting, and overwhelming. Fast forward to the end of the year, and while some things have gotten better, we still don't have my Graves Disease under control. According to my doctor, if upping my medication for the third time doesn't help, we may have to look into killing my thyroid altogether with radioactive iodine, making me hypo for the rest of my life. I've known this was a possibility from the moment I was diagnosed, but I had been hoping that if it came to that, it would be my choice, not something I'd be forced to do.
I haven't tried to stay healthy in all this, even thoough with my health on the line, it would totally make sense to. I've been stressed, I've reverted to old habits, and consequently I've gained... much more weight than I would have preferred. I'm not where I started, but I've gained back at least half of what I've lost. And part of me hates myself for it, but another part of me is just trying to remind myself that I need to love and forgive myself, because that's the first step to being genuinely happy with myself again.
So, this year has been... a bit of a dumpster fire. Yes, there have been good things - I got to go to JAPAN, for god's sake, and that was fucking amazing - but it feels like everything outside of that has been a bit of a wash. But I'm ready to make a change. I'm ready to start over, so to speak. I'm ready to love myself again. And if I'm honest, I'm not sure if that means I'm ready to be back on here 110%, because I know it's gonna be hard, and I know I'm gonna slip up, and I have a really hard time feeling guilty when I do, like I'm letting people down. But I will try to check in, I will try to be more present.
I will learn to love myself again. That is my goal for 2018.
I'd also like to connect with people on here again, because while I myself haven't been super active, I log in multiple times every day and read so many stories y'all share, and I'm rooting for you, even when I don't say anything at all. So for that reason, I'd like to give a few shoutouts to the people I've been following, who have inspired me, who I've been silently cheering for. I hope y'all see this; if you don't, it's not a big deal, but I do hope you know how much you mean to me (and I'm sure to a lot of other people in this community).
@fatmaninalittlesuit - Dude, I don't even know what to say. I've followed you for years and you have always been such an inspiration, but this year you have absolutely killed it. You've worked so hard, and it's paid off tremendous dividends. I saw your ten selfies of 2017 post today and literally said out loud, "Holy shit, John, you don't even look like the same person - you look awesome!!" You look happy, you look strong, and you always have kind words of encouragement to share with us. Thank you for all you do in this community, and may your 2018 be rad as fuck.
@curvymommy70 - You have been so sweet to me. It seems like every time I've made a post complaining for crying about my circumstances, you've always been there to pat me on the back and reassure me things would be okay. You have been a rock for me in this community throughout the year, and I don't feel like I've done enough to convey how much I appreciate you. Thank you so much for everything, and I cannot wait to see what 2018 brings you (I hope it's only good things). :)
@plussizeadventure - I haven't really said two words to you, but I followed you earlier this year and I'm so glad I did. I know 2017 has been shitty for you too, but I can't tell you how much I love seeing your smiling face on my dash. You are funny, and smart, and determined as hell, and I find myself cheering you on in the face of your challenges, whether it's shitty advisors or cancer. The fact that you can still smile at the end of the day puts things in perspective for me, and if you can find things to smile about, then I sure as hell can too. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story with us - I know I don't always talk often, but I am always rooting for you!!
@mystoryfortheaudienceoftheworld - Another person who I only just started following this year, and now I look back and ask why??? You are such a delight, I love seeing your smile, your passion for life, even when things are rough, and your dancing gifs and videos make me wanna get up and shake it too! You are Hayden are PRECIOUS together, and I am so happy for the next phase of life you two get to embark on. I love seeing you on my dash. Also - and I hope this isn't too weird - you're only about four-ish hours away from me and I wanna be like, let's get brunch sometime! I feel like that would be an awesome meal. :)
@sweetiefiend - I know we haven't chatted in a hot minute, and I'm not in the GG fandom like I used to be, but I just love seeing you on my dash. You are gorgeous and kind and encouraging, and it seems like you've always reached out to me when I needed it the most. Thank you for that, and I hope 2018 is fucking awesome for you.
@sahraylia - My wifey until I die~~ You are always there for me, you are encouraging, kind, loving, patient, and you're not afraid to call me out when I need it - all of which I love you for so, so much. I hope I can be as supportive to you as you've always been for me. You always encourage me to be myself, especially when I need the reminder, and I can never express to you how much that means to me. I love you so, so much, and I hope 2018 is better than your 2017 was. <3
@dysfunctionalkitsune - I'm gonna see you tonight, it's probably inane to but this here, but girl. I am so grateful for you in my life. I never would have guessed all those years ago when we met in middle school that we'd be as close as we are now, but I am so glad we are. You are the fire that keeps me going, keeps me pursuing my dreams, even when I fall off the wagon multiple times per week. You helped us get to Japan this year, you always take me on fun adventures, your thirst for excitement and life is contagious and I'm so glad I know you for it. Having you as a friend means life is never boring, and I love that. I love you so much, and I can't wait to see where our next adventure takes us!
@starfieldeyes - I don't even know what to say to you, because words seem meaningless. You have been there for me in my worst times, when I sobbed on the phone, when I felt like everything was lost. You've been there to lift me up, wipe my tears, and sometimes slap me in the face and tell me to get over myself - all from hundreds of miles away. You always seem to know what I need when I need it, and I literally cannot express how much I love you & how lucky I am to have you in my life. The college we met at was not a good match for either of us, but I will always be grateful that I met you (and Brittany) there, and I wouldn't change a thing about going there if it means I get to have you both in my life. Thank you. I love you.
@mynameisbirdie - I feel like putting a shoutout here is silly, because you're my sister and all, but I don't know if I tell you enough how much you mean to me. You have become one of my very best friends, and I'm so happy that we are as close as we are. I'm so grateful that I can literally tell you anything and I know you won't judge me. I love that we share our interests with each other and drag each other down into our respective fandoms, I love that we laugh over rip vine compilations and quote John Mulaney to each other, I love everything about us and our relationship. Thank you for always being there for me. I love you so much.
I know there are people that I'm missing, but this has gone on too long already, lol. Here's hoping for a better 2018 than 2017 - for myself, for all my followers, and to whoever might be reading this right now. Let's make 2018 our bitch.