TW: talk of gore and talk of disturbing actions towards yourself. Gonna be talking a bit about the brutality of dysphoria.
𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘
pre-transition I was so dysphoric that I fully believed I could cut off my breasts on my own. this thought was of course not rational.
No I'm totally not gonna do it, but I could. I fully could right? Like if I tried I could do it, logically speaking.
I knew it wouldn't look good, it would be butchered but all I cared about was being flat. I wasn't thinking logically at all, it didn't occur to me that I'd be in A LOT of pain, that I'd bleed out or what I would even do with the innards. I was thinking I could get the job done with some cheap scalpel I had in my room and I could sew myself together using a tiny sewing kit I had.
The final time I had those thoughts I even thought I could feed my innards to my dogs to get rid of the evidence of what I'd done.
I could totally do it.
A lot of cis people don't understand how bad dysphoria is, often chalking it up to "I understand you're unhappy in your body" which yeah but there's something so horrible about being trapped in a way they'll never grasp. I was sitting here fantasizing about ripping myself apart and my true self being underneath.
It can lead you to find the wildest solutions, like wishing I got ovarian cancer and breast cancer so THEY'D HAVE TO BE REMOVED.
That's what it felt like to me, like I was just underneath this one layer of skin, if I could just rip it off I'd emerge as myself. Like a somehow thick and yet skin tight sweater, suffocating. I was so dysphoric I became irrational, desperate. And it sounds insane, the fact that I thought about doing all of that. and I know I'm not alone. I know there are so so many trans people out there who feel the same, or even worse than I did!
To you who do feel this way, I hope what you need comes to you soon. Be it surgery or hormones, I hope you can achieve them and that you live the life you deserve.
