#eating while fat

[thisisthinprivilege]

 I've been getting a lot of negative hate about my body size. 

Firstly with my family:

My brother constantly reminds me of how if I want a boy to like me I should get off my "lazy" butt and work out or I will always be single. I've called him out and told him how this severely damages my self-esteem, but he just says "Don't take it to heart, I'm only trying to help you." I would understand this if I were unhealthy, but I am not- I am healthy, but now he just won't listen to me and still continues to call me out on my weight! 

My father once took me out shopping to Forever 21' and even though they had my size in everything, he loudly in front of a large group of people said "Maybe we should go to a store that actually has clothes for fat people." I was so embarrassed and I still am even though it happened June 2013.

My mother is very loving and is always calling me beautiful. She recently told me that I could be a super model IF I weren't so fat and I told my friends how this hurts my feelings, but they simply said I'm just trying to find reasons to feel more self-conscious and if I were actually hurt with what people told me I would have lost weight ages ago. 

Secondly with my friends:

I have three really close friends which all of them are very thin or average and I've heard them repeatedly say "I feel fat!" Or "I am so fat, I look so gross." I don't know if they realized they say this around me a lot because they always seems to ask for my opinion on if they look fat or not and it just makes me feel so bad because they obviously think being fat is bad so do they think I look gross? 

My brother's best friend recently told me that the only option I have is to be a stay at home mom because I'm too fat to do anything else except for that option and I asked him why he thinks this and he sayed "because only skinny girls are successful unless they are funny but you aren't!" 

Thirdly: I recently got a lot of self-confidence and decided to go shopping for clothing, I picked out a bikini for fun since they were some out already and tried it on, showing my sister what it looks like. Anyways an old lady was in there and she was giving me disgusting looks and even told me "Young lady you should be ashamed of yourself, walking around in a bikini meant for skinny people with your stretch marks showing. You disgust me." (Some thing along the line of that, maybe even a bit more harsh.) And it left me so low in self esteem that I didn't even buy it.  

Lastly: I went to dinner and the waitor kept asking me if I'm sure I want to eat this since its high in calories, I said "of course" especially since I hadn't eaten all day, but he didn't know this and even if I hadn't eaten all day I don't think he should have pestered me and he continued after I said this even going through the menu and pointing out healthier plates. I felt so disgraced, I couldn't eat my food and left immediately.

I'm sorry for writing so much, but all of this has been making me so sad lately that everything I've worked at to make me feel beautiful has been thrown away. I know not to let what people do and say get to me, but it has effected me deeply. Thank you for letting me vent.

[thisisthinprivilege]

Tis the Season

I've been fat my whole life and I think other fat people know what I mean when I say it is uncomfortable as hell to ride on an airplane. Not just because the airliners make us purchase an extra seat but because of the fear in other peoples' eyes when they see us getting aboard the airplane. They all think we will sit next to them. But really, why would I want to sit next to someone who judges me by the way I look anyways? I would rather sit on the floor than sit by them. So this makes the holidays that much more stressful: the travel, hustling and trying to navigate around the airport all the while trying to keep my spirits high when everyone else is trying to get me down. The past several months have been exceptionally difficult since I am experiencing decreased mobility and having to use a rollator due to an injury I sustained from hiking.

However bad the airport is, it doesn't get any better when arriving to see family for the week. I have to mentally prepare and convince myself to actually go, and every year it's the same: feeling judged when serving food and trying to hide while I eat to avoid sneers and dirty looks by people who think they know what's best for me when it comes to my plate of food. Now if my plate had only a small piece of turkey and a serving of green beans on it, I wouldn't hear the end about how I must be on a diet and how great for my health it is. As if they truly care about my well-being, because if they did then they'd know weight is not a reflection of health. Aside from my injury I have never felt healthier, and even my physician was surprised to see I am not diabetic. I know, shocking right? Because all fat people have to be diabetic apparently. As if we are all interchangeable, amorphous blobs with no individuality.

To make eating worse, I have one of those drunk uncles who likes to joke around and doesn't think about how offensive some of his comments might be. While eating he jested about how if he ate any more he will need to borrow some of my pants. Of course the comments after everyone is done with food is not much better considering they are moaning about how full they are and someone never fails to state something along the lines of starving themselves the next few days to avoid gaining holiday weight. When uncomfortable topics for me come up, I change the subject to politics. In this case to the politics and the dark history of Thanksgiving. It usually shuts them up considering most of my family is of the more conservative variety. The rest of the time there I just sat and was on my phone the entire time until it was time to leave, all the while deciding that I will never go back again for the holidays. It's just not worth the judgement and hassle of dealing with rude family and strangers. Good riddance.

Thin privilege is being able to enjoy food during the holidays without people judging every bite of food you put in your mouth. Thin privilege is also not having people on airplanes pray to whatever deity they worship in hopes that you don't sit by them.

[thisisthinprivilege]

Food policing and fat shaming at restaurants

To start off, I've experienced food policing and not so subtle fat shaming at a restaurant when I was heavier. It was years ago and I still remember it. Me and my ex were at TGIF, and decided to order some mozzarella sticks to start with. Our waitress actually had the gall to say, "Do you really need that? It's fried and so unhealthy. I don't think you should order that". This pissed me off to no extent. I immediately got a manager and explained to him how I didn't come here to eat just so a server can be condescending and judgmental about my order. I told him it made me feel like she doesn't think I have a right to eat there. The manager apologized, and I told him that the waitress can pay for mozzarella sticks, and that she will not be getting a tip, and maybe she should learn to keep her mouth shut about what people order. The manager agreed and said he would speak to her immediately. I know he spoke to the waitress because when she came back to our table, it was obvious she was pissed. 

Now, I've lost a lot of weight, and funnily enough I am now a server. And thanks to that server bitch from TGIF, I know exactly what not to do. I take care of my diners, and never comment on what they order except to say "Good choice" or "That's one of my favorites. You're going to love it!" Or, "I've actually never had that one. Will you let me know if it's good?" You know, basic fucking courtesy and decency to another human being.

And what bothers me is what happens when someone who struggles with disordered eating or an eating disorder has a server who makes judgmental comments on what they're ordering? That could seriously fuck them up even more!

So, to servers out there. Keep your fucking mouth shut on what your customers order, and be fucking grateful that they're coming to eat at your restaurant. And to the diners, if a server fat shames, tries to make you feel bad on what you order, or food polices, GET A MANAGER IMMEDIATELY!!! And don't leave a tip, because what that server did was unprofessional and extremely rude, and maybe they'll rethink their judgemental attitude when they don't get tipped.

[thisisthinprivilege]

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow.

When I was 8 years old, I fainted in the back of my mother's Nissan Murano because I hadn't eaten in three days. Not because we were poor. Not because we didn't have access to food. Not because we had crash landed in the Andes or were recreating the plot of Castaway. I didn't eat for three days because my mother encouraged me not to.

She never said the words "don't eat." She never refused to buy me food or denied me meals. She didn't have to. There are 10,000 ways to get the point across that she felt my chubby little body was an offense to others around me. It came across in small ways - the way that she fussed at me when we went out to eat or were invited to dinner parties, the thinly veiled admonitions that I had eaten "enough," the constant picking and critiquing and worrying about clothes to cover my bulk.  She would worry and harass and beleaguer for the whole of my childhood on this point, under the guise of "looking out for me." I think in her own mind she truly believed she was. She loved me - but she grew up as a fat child and a fat woman and, finally, became a fat doctor who had been told from multiple directions that the reason she was lesser (not feminine enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough) was because she was fat. In her own mind, she probably was trying to look out for me in that she didn't want me to go through the same things she did. Not a bad woman, but a misguided one. But understanding her doesn't make up for my present and past reality. God, but did she f*ck me up good.

I remember-

I remember growing up afraid to be seen eating in public. You couldn't pay me to eat outside in a restaurant or eat lunch in the cafeteria when I was a kid. I ate quickly in hidden corners and survived off takeaway and drive throughs on long family trips. I remember being ashamed to wear the mandatory shorts in gym class because my fat thighs were on display. I invested in those tummy control slips and wore them religiously despite the fact that they made my abdomen ache and my chest struggle to breathe. I remember hating the sight of myself in the mirror to the point that I refused to look into one for more than a decade. I ducked out of photos and burned old family albums because when I looked at myself all I could see was a monster. I did everything I could to hide that monster away. 

Today, it is a constant struggle to unf*ck myself. Finally, a few years ago, I started going out to restaurants with my friends again. I am confident enough on most days to gladly give the stink eye to waiters who look pointedly at me when I order dessert. When I look in the mirror, I don't necessarily always see a monster anymore. On the best days, I am even a little charmed by my reflection, having invested in fabulous hip hugging dresses and tossed out all forms of slips and body binders. When a medical school interviewer asked me if it was irresponsible for a doctor to be fat because we are supposed to be "role models," I went to bat and threw the interview just to give them a piece of my mind. Today, I swim naked in the ocean and will talk to anyone who will listen about the joys of hiking, not caring if they believe me capable or not.

Today-

Today, I am a fat medical student, the only one in my school of 500 students. I stick out like a sore thumb, because I am fat, but also because I will stand up on my soapbox and educate the poor fool who saw fit to crack a fat joke about a body in the anatomy lab. I stick out like a sore thumb because I have a loud mouth and I don't care enough about my classmates' affections to let such things pass by.

Today-

Today, I am a fat medical student. Yesterday, I was a fat child. Tomorrow, I will be a fat doctor. I will not repeat the mistakes of my fore bearers. For every time a doctor told me that the ache in my knee was because I needed to lose weight (not the case, I have a congenital abnormality), for every doctor who assumed because I am overweight, I must be sick, I will remember to treat my patients better. Today, when I see a patient recently diagnosed with diabetes, I don't focus on their weight - I focus on helping them modify their diet to choose low GI foods (weight has nothing to do with it). Today, when someone comes to me with back pain, I get them help via physical therapy to strengthen the muscles to remove some of the strain (weight has nothing to do with it). Weight has nothing to do with it.

I still slip up sometimes. In a world where everyone is telling you that fat equals bad, stupid, ugly, diseased, it is hard sometimes to see through the bullshit. But, tomorrow-

Tomorrow, I will do better.

[thisisthinprivilege]

recipe comments

Tired of hearing about "moderation" and listening to people humble-brag (especially under some false guise of positivity) about their restraint in comments on the nytimes cooking section, this should be a place for people to post cooking advice, not shame people for their eating choices.

[thisisthinprivilege]

I'm proof of thin privilege

For people who don't believe thin privilege is a thing: I eat like SHIT and have always been thin. I'm in my mid twenties, I'm sure it'll bite me in the ass eventually but not yet. Never once, not a single time, has anyone (friend or stranger) commented on what I eat, how much I eat, what's in my grocery kart, etc. I eat like a drunk person all the time and no one gives me a hard time. I didn't even know that was a thing until my very heavy friend told me someone slagged her off in a mcdonalds parking lot. The idea that someone other than my doctor would make my diet their business had never occured to me. That's thin privilege. Thin internet dwellers say "oh I get called too skinny, boney, sickly, whatever, they tell me to eat a sandwich, guys tell me my boobs aren't big enough." Shut up, idiot. They're not talking about you right now, this is not your space. (Sorry for making it mine). They're not saying nothing bad has ever happened to you, they're just saying you can eat a burger in fucking peace. Can you eat a burger in peace? Yes? Sit down. Sorry for ranting, I know it's not my place but I think more thin people need to realise how easy we have it. Could you eat ice cream from the tub at a bus stop without getting dirty looks or having to make excuses? Then you've got it pretty fucking good. Do you get praised for being imperfect and cute and "real" and "body positive" for doing it? Congratulations, you rank among the thin privileged.

I used to be an awful obesity epidemic scare monger. This blog really changed how I think. Thank you all. 

[thisisthinprivilege]

trying to appear Not Fat

Just wondering how many other people out there have experienced this. I remember in my early teens kind of subconsciously obsessing over the concept of trying to appear not fat. 

I just remember how I was always trying to keep my chin up so I’d have less of a double chin, or walk a certain way so my body wouldn’t look like a Fat Body. There’s this scene in the movie Hitch where the character Albert is trying to eat and pretty much just spills everything all over himself and rips his pants while he’s bending over, embarrassingly, trying to pick things up off the ground. And I remember seeing shit like that on TV and in movies and trying my hardest not to move that way. I tried to be as elegant as possible and move my body like a thin person would.

I can’t really think of other examples, but has anyone else done/thought about this? 

_________________

Moderator response: 

I sure as hell did things like this when I was a kid. At some point a family member told me to “suck your gut in, it makes you look thinner, improves your posture, and makes your boobs look big.” I was told by same family member that women in her day (the 1930s - 50s?) *always* sucked their guts in as a matter of *womanly pride.* Like, yeah, THAT is what being a woman is about. Don’t write that novel, girls, that’s worthless! Put on a play???? What are you, some kind of attention-seeker? No, no, suck in your stomach. THAT is what imbues women with value. Bleeeeccccccchhhhhhh+infinity

-ATL