i know no body fucking uses this and all that but i just wanted to write my feelings down real quick and i don’t really have anywhere that would be good to do it on, aside from twitter but LORDY this is gonna be longer than 280 characters.
This blog used to be a well known Nine Inch Nails blog and for a hot minute i was a three cheers and bullets only mcr blog... the reason i mention this is because the two biggest influences (not exactly favorite bands, because i have a handful of bands that i just simply enjoy their music the most and listen to them simply because music. no i’m talking OBSESSION level fan status) in my life up to December last year were MCR when i was a teenager, and then Nine Inch Nails (which was an out of control obsession. literally thought of little else for like three years, turned down boyfriends over the fact that their not 1995 TREZ...the whole bit.) and each of those i thought would be the inspiration, the drive i needed to make my own music, to make my own life. But nothing came of it. Sure, MCR made me start writing and find my true craft, and NIN made me enjoy playing piano and write a few lyrics but nothing steady, nothing true.
I’ve been a fan of 30 seconds to Mars since 2005, and it never grew out of anything more than a “oh yeah, i like their music. Jared Leto’s pretty cute.” but nothing past that. I never learned their story, or got affected by their music.
Until December. I don’t know what happened to me. It was a shit day at work, i’m a waitress and went home with 0 dollars out of the slowness of that Sunday. I went home on the train and felt so shitty i wanted to take a nap (which i personally never do). So i took like a two hour nap. I woke up and something struck me. I wanted to write. I hadn’t properly written in months. I hadn’t even really been listening to music anymore.
Now let me back up. My usual Sunday included binge eating and playing video games as a “reward” for getting through another week. That’s how bad i was.
So this Sunday, with the burning urge to write...I ordered some food but a literal fraction of what i usually ordered and got my laptop out. “I haven’t heard thirty seconds to mars in years. i should put them on” i thought.
But i shrugged it off. No energy to start liking a band now. i’ll put on a song i used to listen to to write...True Romance by She Wants Revenge. Great.
It plays on youtube, i start eating dinner and open a word document. No clue what to say. I have an old manuscript that i should rewrite. i have a few trace ideas with no meat to them that i could flesh out....
Youtube does this thing where after a song plays, it picks one similar and plays that. Like some big cosmic joke, it played From Yesterday and i just caught something. I couldn’t even focus. I had to watch that video. i had to re-love that song. I had to think about that song.
What other songs did i love from 30stm? I began to think about them. I began to play them. I began to write. words poured out of me.
From that day, i found hope. i found a savior.
The literal next day, i came home from work and instead of watching tv for hours or playing video games i came home, cooked dinner and wrote. cooked my own food. wrote. listened to music on the train. listened to music at home. i downloaded a fitness app. tracked my calories, tracked my steps. ate better, cut out soda, cut out meat, joined the gym in January.
But it’s not even that. I grew to never watching tv. I’d write until i fell asleep.
Last month i started working on piano seriously, thinking about writing my own music.
The difference between my “obsession” with NIN or MCR was that i was escaping through them. i used them as a crutch for when things got bad, or things were out of control. I became Gerard or Trent instead of being a better version of me.
30 is different. Their work makes me want to work on myself. Their music inspires me to make my own music. Their lives inspire me to live my own.
This one’s for life. This ones for keeps. Thank god for the Letos (and Tomo and all the other past members that didn’t stick around). I just hope i can be the same for another 20 something that lost their way.
I got lyrics from Edge of the Earth tattooed on me(”Apocalyptic and Insane, My dreams will never change”) and everyday i see them and remind myself that im on this crazy journey to my dreams for a reason, and that reason is because i’m worth it.
Just like they are.
This is my testimony and my story.
