ECM - week 4.5 - the struggle for balance ...
Well, what can I say ... this week has been a tough one for me. So tough, in fact, that it warrants a blog post mid-week (it’s only Thursday).
you know it’s bad when ...
Ugh, I am just so overwhelmed. Don’t get me wrong, I am still proud of myself in a lot of ways. I have practiced Change-Making 3 out of the 4 days thus far. I have practiced Self-Love ... although one of those Self-Love things was to indulge in pizza and ice cream which kind of contradicts Food Health .... but you get the point, I’ve done decent. I have made healthy food choices at least once a day, read my self-help book, worked on my gratitude list, whispered sweet self-love nothings into my own ear and even worked out a bit ... but I still want to bloody murder someone.
And I don’t know why. Okay, I might have an inkling about what might be contributing ... shark week is fast approaching. You know, the curse, Aunt Flow, that time of the month .... yea, call it whatever you want but I’m getting my fucking period and I’m goddamn miserable.
And that coupled with me doing this ECM thing and trying to change my patterns is creating an interesting dynamic.
Like I’m crying one minute, RAGING a lot of the others, and the rest of the time I am riddled with anxiety and counting all the things that could go wrong ... and what I will do if and when the world does collapse.
But it’s not just the hormones. I think I am really starting to struggle with the changes I’m making in my life. I really think part of my brain is saying ‘Yay, you go girl! You got this!” and the other part is frantically trying to crawl it’s way out of me screaming “Nooooo! What is she doing?! We hate change! I like our old, familiar, somewhat destructive, ways!!!
I’ve realized that brains don’t love change. In fact, they will do everything they can to get out of it. Probably because change is hard. And we are attempting to re-wire pathways that are so ingrained, they are like 6 lane highways!
For example, when I have a challenging day at work ... the 6-lane highway says ‘Pizza and beer!” ... and now I am supposed to replace that with “I think I’ll have a salad for dinner with some herbal tea and work on my gratitude journal!”
Like what the hell?!
And ever since last week’s revelation, I am now caught in this constant dance between ‘being gentle with myself’ and holding myself accountable.
It’s like there are two people arguing inside of me all the time ... ‘Christine, of course it’s hard not to slip into old patterns! It took you 36 years to get into this mess, it’s going to take a lot longer than 4 weeks to get you out! Be patient! You’re doing great!’
and ... ‘Christine, look, you had a crappy day, that’s going to happen, but you can’t use that as an excuse to fall into old patterns. If you are going to go have pizza and beer, don’t blame the crappy day because there is an excuse around every corner. Own your shit! And stop whining!’
It’s exhausting!
And, I think another part of this internal battle is (my other revelation last week) ... a fear or success/failure.
A peek inside my brain ...
OMG, what am I going to do?
What do I want to be when I grow up?
I need to figure this out!
And then what?
What if I mess it up?
How will I know what is right?
I should be doing more.
I should be doing better.
I’m terrified to change.
But I’m terrified not to.
I think I have just come to that point that I have been all too often in my life ... and I think a lot of people have experienced. The ‘screw it’ point. This is the place where people pick up the smokes again, stop for a 6-pack on the way home from AA, and ditch the diet cause they’ve only lost 3 lbs. It’s the place where people tap out.
We bail because it’s hard. We give up because it’s exhausting. And all of the ugly little bits of ourselves that we self-medicate or do whatever it takes to avoid, start popping up BIG TIME!
But I don’t want to bail. I am done with living a mediocre life. Do not get me wrong, I am RIDICULOUSLY BLESSED and I LOVE my life and all the gifts that I have been given. But am I living up to my true potential? No. Am I best serving myself or those I hold dear? No. They deserve better from me. And I deserve better from me.
And so I am going to keep trucking.
I guess it’s a matter of having faith. Faith in myself. And faith that this too shall pass. After all, the darkest hour comes before the dawn.
And who knows, with inspirational stuff like this spewing out of me, maybe I have a career at Hallmark cards waiting for me?!