The mighty Blog of the 30-Something Scribbler

Columist, Writer, Mom Extraordinaire

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Your 30′s - prepare for extra fluff, a deeper appreciation of wine and naps, and Julio.

So, I have recently signed on to co-author a book with a Publishing Group that supports aspiring writers. This is an amazing opportunity and I am so excited about it however, whenever I sit down to write my piece ... I get the biggest case of writer’s block ever. I think that I am just feeling a little overwhelmed with the subject matter so, in an effort to keep my creative juices flowing, yet take the pressure off a little bit, I decided to take a break and write about something a little fluffier ... being in my 30′s.

Now I suppose one of the first things I have to say about being in my mid-30′s is that it is indeed fluffier. It seems as though I instantly gained 10 lbs the second I hit 35. Now 10 lbs isn’t a huge deal and to be honest, I’m not too bothered by it (another change I’ve noticed in my mid-thirties is I am waaaay more confident now than I was when I was 25 and everything was firmer). I am, however, a little shocked at how sudden the 10 lbs piled on. It is seriously as if my body woke up one morning and said “Well, we’re 35 now, no need for a waist anymore!”  

Like what the heck?! I barely had a waist as it was! That 10 lbs couldn’t have made it’s way to my boobs?! 

(Sigh, silly thirties). Now one could say that these extra few pounds might have less to do with age and more to with the fact that I drink a LOT more wine than I ever have before but ... I’m not one to worry myself over unimportant details.

But let’s take a moment to talk about wine. I love my vino. I mean, who doesn’t?! But I have noticed that my relationship with this sweet nectar has changed now that I’m rocking my 30′s ...

In my 20′s, it was all about finding the sweetest, cheapest bottle of Gewurztraminer in order to get tipsy with my friends. If the Gewurtz was syrupy enough that I could choke it down, cheap enough that I could afford it, but still made me look like a grown up (cause wine is how adults party), then I was a happy camper! Not anymore. Now I love the flavour of full bodied reds, or dry whites. I’m even okay with spending more than $15 on a bottle! I sip and savour and use terms like ‘fruit forward’ and ‘peppery finish’! I’m not 100% sure what these terms mean, just things I’ve picked up while wine-tasting cause that’s another grown up thing I do now! Gone are the days of clubbing with my friends til 4 am, now it’s getting day-drunk at wineries and napping by 4 pm! 

But don’t get too excited, although one can still party like a rockstar in their 30′s (assuming the party is over at 9), be prepared that you will need A LOT more recovery time.  I just don’t have the same kind of energy I did 10 years ago, and I certainly don’t recover as well. Gawd forbid if I do stay up a little to late with my girlfriends drinking wine ... what used to be a couple hours of recovery is now a couple of days! No joke.

Same goes for injuries, bending the wrong way in yoga takes me right out now. Gone are the days of ‘walking it off’, the 30′s makes you a straight up wimp! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Ah, who am I kidding? I’m not straining any muscles exercising, it’s putting on socks that’s the real issue. Or trying to get at those hard to reach places with my razor. 

Which brings me to the last tidbit that I will share with you ... when approaching your mid 30′s, prepare to block off large amounts of time for personal grooming.

Seriously, the amount of hours I spend on waxing, plucking, and shaving is uncanny! I’m Scottish so I was already a hairy girl but now ... yeesh, it’s like I’m turning into a Yeti!

Okay, maybe not that bad but my leg hair is definitely trying to slowly make it’s way up to meet my lady bits and I do have a chin hair that I’ve affectionately named ‘Julio’. 

On that note, it’s time for me for to go pour myself a glass of full-bodied red and lock myself in the bathroom for a few hours ... dealing with this jungle takes commitment, and a little buzz.

[christineesovoloff]

36

Fall is my favorite time of year. The air is crisp, the leaves are colorful, it’s still not too terribly cold and ... well, fall fashion really works for me. I look so much better in earth tones, sweaters, and tall boots than I do smeared in Coppertone and hiding in the shade. 

But I think the biggest reason that I love fall is because it is the season in which I was born. (I have a theory that people tend to favor their birth season).

And, I LOVE birthdays. First off, they are a huge blessing. There are many people in the world who would give anything to be blessed with one more year so I think it is a real shame when people don’t grab their b-day by the balls and celebrate the heck out of it ... and second, it is a day just for you. It is literally YOUR day. Your day to do whatever you want (you know, after you go to work, care for your family, pay your bills, and do all of your other chores). 

Okay, as an adult it can be a little anticlimactic but at the very least you probably get to pick dinner.

And, you know ... have cake. 

Anyway, this year I have been bit more contemplative around my bday than usual. Normally, I am a ‘yay, it’s an excuse to have a party’ kind of girl ... but this time (although I am still into a party) I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the past year and I’ve got to say, I was kind of shocked. 

If you had asked me a month or two ago how the year had been, I would have rattled off some generic response without really thinking about it. You know, the old “Oh good, busy with kids and work. It never stops!” bullshit blanket answer we throw out during interactions with acquaintances. 

But when I actually gave my 36th year some thought, I did a lot!  It was really powerful to look back on the past year and see all that I had happened. I bought a home, I got to travel with family, I lost and grieved two friends, I participated in a dance competition for charity, I had a health scare, and I signed up to co-author a book. I have had my share of tears, laughter, failures and successes, and looking back on it all, I am left with a tonne of gratitude for my life.

I am also left with a sense of pride. I may not be doing things as gracefully as I might like, I might drop too many f-bombs, and have the temper of a Tasmanian devil, but this year I took chances and chased some dreams. I listened to my gut and advocated for my health. I did things that scared me and asked for help when I needed it. 

I am FAR from perfect and nowhere near where I want to be ... but I am proud of how far I’ve come.

Taking a little birthday inventory has allowed me to evaluate my successes and failures and incorporate what I have learned into goals for the future. It is so easy to become caught up in what we don’t have, what we haven’t accomplished, and what everyone else is doing that we lose sight on what we DO have and where we have kicked ass.

So this year, on my birthday, I am going to eat ALL the cake, I am going to rock my fall fashion, and I’m going to be proud of my self. I think I’ve earned it. 

But mostly, I am going to feel grateful. Grateful for my family, friends, and for our health. Grateful for the opportunities that have been presented to me and the encouragement I have received from loved ones and strangers to go after them.  Grateful for the resources available to me and strength that I have had to access them. Grateful for my home and all the love that it is filled with. Grateful for all the gifts that 36 brought.

37, I’m coming for ya.

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Introspection, Musings, and still totally working on my sh**

So I have been doing some more thinking on my last topic - the power of making decisions ... and I have decided (haha!), I have more to say on the subject. The post is here if you would like to read it but in a nutshell I wrote about the difference between ‘wanting something’ and making a firm decision to go after it and letting nothing stand in your way. For example, one time I ‘wanted’ to participate in a Spartan race (a challenging obstacle race through mud, tires, and all sorts of tricky stuff). I thought to myself, “I am going to get in shape and kick ass at this race! It will be so much fun! I better start training ...”

Well, I think my intense training lasted about 3 days and then, low and behold, my shoulder started to hurt, I got really run down, and all of a sudden I couldn’t afford the fee to participate ... basically, I came up with every excuse not to be able to do it so that I didn’t have to feel like I failed and moved on to my next ‘want’. 

Why wasn’t I successful? Because I hadn’t really decided. If I had truly been determined, nothing would have stood in my way. Not a sore shoulder, not being run down, and certainly not $40. 

However, upon further reflection, I have realized that there is more to the story ... Although they are key factors, decision-making and determination aren’t the only crucial components when it comes to successfully achieving goals and dreams. There is another big player in the room, one that needs to be looked at if you (like me) seem to be running into the same wall over and over again.

In order to achieve our life ambitions, we need to have (in addition to determination and hard work)  ... an unshakable belief that our goal is actually attainable. In other words, we need to believe in ourselves.

Let me explain ...

If I am working towards a goal but deep down, I do not believe that I am capable, worthy, smart enough, strong enough, etc., then it doesn’t matter how much I want it or how hard I work ... I will struggle. Firm decision or not, if my thoughts and feelings (negative) are not in line with my actions (no matter how positive), I will fall flat on my face every time.

It is very simple really, and very law-of-attraction-esque ...  what you believe/think about ... you will inevitably manifest. Now, as much as I read about this in self-help books, and listened to Ted talks on it, it wasn’t until I started witnessing it in my own life that I truly became a believer.

I have seen it in my career, my relationships, and it was definitely present in the whole Spartan race debacle! Whenever I have not been successful in my life, even though I have been busting my butt or pursuing all the right avenues, I have discovered (after a little digging and uncomfortable self-reflection) .. that I have had negative thoughts or feelings around the desired goal and myself. (My spartan race thoughts were “I have never been athletic. I’m not strong. I will look dumb. Who am I kidding?!”)

Whereas, in situations where I have had unwavering faith that my dream is within reach, when I have believed with every ounce of my being that I was capable and deserving of my desired outcome, when I visualized myself reaching that finish line ...  then Gawd help anything that stood in my way because I bowled it over like a steam engine and didn’t even look back at the carnage.

The bottom line is, our thoughts and beliefs become our reality. It doesn’t matter if we are after love, money, a promotion, better health ..., if we think (often subconciously) that we aren’t smart/pretty/worthy/talented/etc. enough ... then reaching those goals is going to be damn hard.

So, the million dollar question becomes ... how does one get on the unshakable belief train when they are truly a big ball of doubt and insecurity? Well, in my humble “I’m totally still working on my shit’ experience and opinion ... the first step that has helped me is to become aware of the crappy beliefs and thoughts that are holding me back and are usually a bunch of b.s. 

Now, I’ll be honest, this part kind of sucks because a)it feels crappy to admit that I am the only thing getting in the way of me reaching my goals and b) it can be painful. Simple as that. Often this crap is stuff we have been lugging around since childhood. Maybe it’s daddy issues (hello me), maybe it’s that you grew up in poverty and don’t feel you are worthy of more, maybe it’s that you were picked last for every team in PE in grade school cause you were terrible at sports so what makes you think you could ever do a Spartan race (hello me, again), whatever it is ... it feels yucky to look at this stuff and it seems way easier to avoid it or better yet, put the blame elsewhere - bosses, economy, sore shoulder, you name it.

However, if we are ever going to move forward and start accomplishing the things we want ... we need to look at this stuff. We need to bite the bullet, cry into a pillow, feel really sorry for ourselves, maybe get some therapy .... and kick those bitches to the curb so we can start living the life of our dreams.

I’m not trying to over-simplify here and I am certainly not saying that bad things don’t happen or that some stuff isn’t out of our control. But I am saying that no matter what you face in life, having positive thoughts and beliefs about yourself and the outcome you desire will do nothing but benefit you and help you along the way. 

No one has every looked around at their glorious and fulfilling life and exclaimed “I would never be where I am today if it weren’t for my mediocre attitude, lousy subconscious thoughts, and complete lack of faith in myself and my abilities!”

I’m also not saying that this process is easy either. Rewiring programming that we have been rocking for multiple decades and is often rooted in pain is not going to happen in a day. And it can be (in my experience) a ‘two steps forward, one step back’ kind of thing.

But it’s worth it!

Life is way too short to keep limiting ourselves with junky beliefs. Sooo, do a little soul-searching and examine what beliefs or thoughts might be holding you back. Ask for some feedback from people you trust and get some help to work through it (I wasn’t joking about the therapy). And then, start visualizing, meditating, daydreaming ... bathing in sage and crystals ... I don’t care, just get to a place of faith. Faith in yourself, faith in your capabilities, and faith in your goals. 

Add some hard work and tenacity to that and you will be amazed what you can do. 

Promise. 

You will see it, when you believe it. ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer

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The ECM adventure - 2 months in ...

Hello again! Betcha you weren’t sure if you’d ever hear from me again! 

I know, I know, it HAS been a while since my last check-in. The truth is, I definitely hit a bit of a wall and needed to sort that out.  The other truth is, I was getting bored with writing about this one specific thing every week (I am a bit of a ferret and have a short attention span). Soooo, I decided that I would check in every month. I figured this way I can coincide it with the monthly check-in that is in the book, I am still holding myself accountable to you, and not writing about the same thing week after week and boring us all to tears. 

Sound good?

K, let’s get started.

Well, these past 5 weeks have been interesting to say the least. I started out very weak. I don’t even want to get in to that part very much because I don’t want to give it any more energy than I already have. Basically, it was the same ol’ drinking too much wine, eating nachos, not exercising enough, and wondering when my life is going to change. The only thing I seemed to do pretty consistently is practice gratitude, so that was good.

Anyway, somewhere mid-month, I was reading ‘You are a Badass’ by Jen Sincero and came across something that rang really true for me. I’m badly summarizing here (just go read the book) but the jist of it was that there is a difference between really wanting something and making a firm decision to go after it. She uses a bunch of examples such as Henry Ford and Steve Speilberg (who was rejected from film school three times). Steven Speilberg, for example, didn’t just ‘want’ to make movies, he made a fucking decision to do it. He decided that he was going to do it even though it was hard, even though a lot of people told him he couldn’t, and even though he failed at it over and over again. 

It made me reflect upon my own life and think of times that I made a decision to do something even though everything stood in my way. The most prevalent example I could think of was when I was 22 and found myself very unexpectedly pregnant with my first child. At that time, I was a complete party girl wrapped up with the wrong crowd, engaging in very destructive behaviour, and didn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out off. I can remember the exact moment I found out. I remember the doc breaking the news and listing off the various options available to me ... and then I remember tuning him out. It was in that moment that I made a very firm decision that I was going to change my entire life and keep the baby. Now, I had NO IDEA how I was going to do it. I didn’t have a clue how I was going to find housing, sort out my finances, or find the resources I needed to change my entire life within 9 months ... but none of it mattered. I made a decision that I was going to do this ... and nothing would stand in my way.

And nothing did.

Despite everyone telling me that I couldn’t or shouldn’t do it, despite it being scary as hell, despite feeling super alone at times, despite the endless tears and multiple hurdles ...  there was never a second that I didn’t know with every fiber of my being that I was going to pull this off. 

Anyway, I imagine it might have been similar for ol’ Steve. If he had just ‘wanted’ to be a film maker, my guess is he would have given up after the 2nd rejection letter came in the mail. He probably would have said ‘Well, I guess this isn’t for me!”, become an accountant or something, and we would all be sitting here without classics such as Jaws, Indiana Jones, and Jurassic Park.

Imagine that?!

Thank gawd he didn’t just want it. Thank gawd he made a decision to go after it no matter how hard it got, no matter many people told him he sucked, or no matter what stood in his way!

He was determined. There was no other option for him other than making award-winning films. He made a decision, believed it was possible, and eventually ... it worked.

Okay, maybe comparing my situation to Steven Spielberg’s is silly. But there is some similarity in the sense of determination and decision making. It really doesn’t matter whether you want to be able to run 1KM, lose 60 lbs, get your doctorate, or become an award-winning film maker ... unless you make a firm decision to do it, you’ll probably quit as soon as it gets tough.

Sooo, all of this stuff got me thinking about all of the other times I have made decisions in my life vs. just wanted things ... and I had to ask myself “Which is it this time, Christine? Are you wanting to change your life? Or are you deciding with every fiber of your being that you are going to change your life?”

I gave it some more thought and came to the conclusion that I was ready to make a decision. 

I am 36 years old and I am so grateful for all that I have. I am blessed with a beautiful family, job, health, home, and friends.  But I have goals, goals for bigger and better things, goals that will not be reached if I give up every time it gets tough, I get tired, or my feelings get hurt.

BOOM - breakthrough!

Which brings me to when my month took a turn ... for the better. 

With this new decision under my belt, I felt fired up! And ... I started to use my ECM differently that I was before. I remember Amanda (author and creator of the ECM) saying that people are much more successful when they write down their goals so, rather than using my ECM to report my progress or lack thereof, I started writing down everything I wanted to accomplish the following day ... and checking it off when I did it. 

And let me tell you, there is something about this process that has really helped me! 

My progress has skyrocketed it! I write down simple, attainable goals in each section every day and (usually) accomplish them - without excuses! 

Don’t get me wrong, I falter sometimes. But I feel as though my success rate has gone through the roof. And on the days that I am not as successful, I hold myself accountable (rather than blaming) and examine what the real issue might be (usually fear).

Now I’m not delusional, I know things will get hard at times and my instinct will be to retreat back to old patterns so another thing I am working on is (continuing to) align myself with people who will support me in reaching my goals. People who I can be vulnerable and honest with, who will hold me accountable, and who will encourage and remind me of my dreams when they seem unreachable to me. 

So, in conclusion, I am feeling stronger and more determined than I have in a long time. I am holding myself responsible for my life while being gentle with myself in the process. After all, we must celebrate the small successes ... Steve didn’t pull Jaws together overnight either ;)

[christineesovoloff]

ECM - week 4.5 - the struggle for balance ...

Well, what can I say ... this week has been a tough one for me. So tough, in fact, that it warrants a blog post mid-week (it’s only Thursday). 

you know it’s bad when ...

Ugh, I am just so overwhelmed. Don’t get me wrong, I am still proud of myself in a lot of ways. I have practiced Change-Making 3 out of the 4 days thus far. I have practiced Self-Love ... although one of those Self-Love things was to indulge in pizza and ice cream which kind of contradicts Food Health .... but you get the point, I’ve done decent. I have made healthy food choices at least once a day, read my self-help book, worked on my gratitude list, whispered sweet self-love nothings into my own ear and even worked out a bit ... but I still want to bloody murder someone. 

And I don’t know why. Okay, I might have an inkling about what might be contributing ... shark week is fast approaching. You know, the curse, Aunt Flow, that time of the month .... yea, call it whatever you want but I’m getting my fucking period and I’m goddamn miserable. 

And that coupled with me doing this ECM thing and trying to change my patterns is creating an interesting dynamic.

Like I’m crying one minute, RAGING a lot of the others, and the rest of the time I am riddled with anxiety and counting all the things that could go wrong ... and what I will do if and when the world does collapse.

But it’s not just the hormones. I think I am really starting to struggle with the changes I’m making in my life. I really think part of my brain is saying ‘Yay, you go girl! You got this!” and the other part is frantically trying to crawl it’s way out of me screaming “Nooooo! What is she doing?! We hate change! I like our old, familiar, somewhat destructive, ways!!!

I’ve realized that brains don’t love change. In fact, they will do everything they can to get out of it. Probably because change is hard. And we are attempting to re-wire pathways that are so ingrained, they are like 6 lane highways! 

For example, when I have a challenging day at work ... the 6-lane highway says ‘Pizza and beer!” ... and now I am supposed to replace that with “I think I’ll have a salad for dinner with some herbal tea and work on my gratitude journal!” 

Like what the hell?!

And ever since last week’s revelation, I am now caught in this constant dance between  ‘being gentle with myself’ and holding myself accountable. 

It’s like there are two people arguing inside of me all the time ... ‘Christine, of course it’s hard not to slip into old patterns! It took you 36 years to get into this mess, it’s going to take a lot longer than 4 weeks to get you out! Be patient! You’re doing great!’ 

and ... ‘Christine, look, you had a crappy day, that’s going to happen, but you can’t use that as an excuse to fall into old patterns. If you are going to go have pizza and beer, don’t blame the crappy day because there is an excuse around every corner. Own your shit! And stop whining!’

It’s exhausting!

And, I think another part of this internal battle is (my other revelation last week) ... a fear or success/failure. 

A peek inside my brain ...

OMG, what am I going to do?

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I need to figure this out!

And then what?

What if I mess it up?

How will I know what is right?

I should be doing more.

I should be doing better.

I’m terrified to change.

But I’m terrified not to.

I think I have just come to that point that I have been all too often in my life ... and I think a lot of people have experienced. The ‘screw it’ point. This is the place where people pick up the smokes again, stop for a 6-pack on the way home from AA, and ditch the diet cause they’ve only lost 3 lbs. It’s the place where people tap out.

We bail because it’s hard. We give up because it’s exhausting. And all of the ugly little bits of ourselves that we self-medicate or do whatever it takes to avoid, start popping up BIG TIME! 

But I don’t want to bail. I am done with living a mediocre life. Do not get me wrong, I am RIDICULOUSLY BLESSED and I LOVE my life and all the gifts that I have been given. But am I living up to my true potential? No. Am I best serving myself or those I hold dear? No. They deserve better from me. And I deserve better from me.

And so I am going to keep trucking. 

I guess it’s a matter of having faith. Faith in myself. And faith that this too shall pass. After all, the darkest hour comes before the dawn.

And who knows, with inspirational stuff like this spewing out of me, maybe I have a career at Hallmark cards waiting for me?!

[christineesovoloff]

ECM - week four. Oh dear ... it’s game time.

Well, it’s time for my week 4 check in and let’s just say ... this one has been interesting. My blaze of glory seems to have come to a screeching halt because this week was a big struggle for me.

I did ‘okay’ - I ate something healthy at least once a day. I practiced self-love and change-making 4 out of the 7 days. And I did decent in the physical movement department (3 hikes and 2 walks). But the thing is, I am so done with just doing ‘okay’.

The real kicker is that ‘doing just okay’ is a very typical pattern for me. I am famous for getting complacent and lazy. I start doing just the bare minimum so I can say I am still doing it ... and sit back wondering why things aren’t shifting. 

It is super frustrating ... and yet, this week (and, as per usual) I did nothing to change this pattern. Instead, I used it as a reason to get angry with myself.

The more I ‘failed’, the more I consoled myself with wine and potato chips, which led me to feeling like more of a ‘failure’, which led me to more poor coping skills ... and so on and so on and so on. 

Like, what the hell?! Why do I do that?! Why do I get in my own way?! 

Well, this week, the universe plopped the answer right down in front of me. I am reading a self-help book right now called You are a badass by Jen Sincero and came across an interesting chapter that really rang true for me. Sincero speaks about how we create stories for ourselves (usually starting with the words ‘I can’t’, ‘I suck at’, ‘I don’t have’) in order to make excuses for why we don’t have the life we want. AND, although these stories we tell ourselves are self-sabotaging and awful, we hang onto them for dear life because we benefit from them in some way ... albeit, the perceived ‘benefits’ are often unhealthy. 

She encourages you to, first, become aware of your self-sabotaging stories, then, to try to become aware of what you are gaining from hanging on to them .... so you can finally invite them to get the hell out of your life!

For example, in regards to my struggle with Food Health, I tell myself this story ... ‘It’s hard for me to eat healthy because of my partner and kids. They are so picky and I need to make food they like.” Another story I like to tell myself is, ‘I was just so busy this week.’ 

Really, Christine?! You were too busy to eat healthy food?! Like grabbing an apple takes so much more time then opening a bag of potato chips?! Seriously?

Anyway, when I examined what I may be gaining from that bullshit story, I discovered ... “When I say that healthy eating is hard because of my family and time constraints, I don’t have to take responsibility anymore. I can blame other things and let myself off the hook. I also get to play the victim and the hero. ‘Look at poor Christine, trying so hard to change her life. She’s doing pretty good but she’s human ... and with a job and picky family, it just makes it darn near impossible!’   In short, I get to have an excuse not to succeed.”

Wait, what?! How is that a gain? 

Well, it is a gain because I get to continue rocking out in mediocrity (which is comfortable), hiding from my true potential, all while not taking any responsibility for any of it! I’m off the hook! 

Say what?!

During further reflection, I realized that this all stems from a fear of success/fear of failure. Such as ... if I was to succeed, people might expect more of me. I would be entering unknown territory and putting myself out there to be criticized and judged. There would be whole lot more pressure. And, with the potential for success comes the potential for failure ... and that’s scary.

So, to keep things from being scary, I keep holding on to my bullshit story and blame my lack of success on other people and circumstances while eating doritos and feeling content that I am doing just ‘okay’ at life! 

Is your head spinning? Yea, mine too.

Anyway, the good thing is that once you’ve wrapped your head around the fact that your life is ALL your fault, and become aware of your crappy self-sabotaging behavior, you can challenge it, and tell it to piss off. 

Like, I am sure this pattern is a self-protective thing stemming from my childhood. It has kept me out of intimidating situations. It has kept me safe. But here’s the thing, I am an adult now. An adult who is strong and able to face scary stuff. In fact, I have rocked some pretty yucky situations like a champ. And, I would really like to let this go now.  So, to my fear-based pattern, thanks for all you did when I needed you but I’m ready to live the life I want now so ... Peace the EFF out!  

That felt good! One story challenged, only 8 millions more to go. Bring on the shifts!

So, my goal for this coming week is to continue to be conscious of the stories I’m telling myself, and the gains I am getting by hanging on to them. I am going to keep doing the work, and when I stumble (which I will, a lot), I will hold myself accountable (gently). These patterns took years to develop so they aren’t going to resolve in few weeks. Being gentle and cutting myself some slack is important ... but so is accountability and ownership. I don’t want to get caught up in a game where I am always ‘being gentle with myself’ as a means of not facing my shit.

The only way my life is going to change is if I change it. And change isn’t going to happen without a little discomfort. Can you imagine a body builder whining every time his muscles got sore and saying ‘I’m going to take a few days off, I really need to be gentle with myself right now.”?!

Me either. 

Anyway, off I go. Wish me luck, although I know this is up to me. And I think I’m ready.  I am ready to go from doing ‘okay’ to doing ‘fucking fabulous’.

Lastly, if you know me, you know that I am a lover of quotes. Below is one I have seen many times but it has never seemed so relevant to me as it has this past week.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” 

[christineesovoloff]

ECM - week three. The post-vacation aftermath ...

Wellllll, I’m baaaaaaack and ready to check in after both my week in Mexico and my first week back. 

My week in Mexico was fantastic but a complete shit show in terms of Food Health. Like, all I did was eat and drink. I came back very burnt, slightly pickled, and exhausted but we had a wonderful time! The weather was great, we met some cool people, and ... everyone got along! Now, that might not seem like a big deal to you but in a blended family with two hormonally-charged 13 year olds, a 10 year old, and a mom (me) with anxiety ... trust me, it’s a big freakin’ deal! We swam, we went boogy-boarding, we romped, we played, it was awesome! (Sidenote - I’ve decided the key to enjoying traveling with children is definitely all-inclusive. No cleaning, no cooking, no laundry, the kids eat whatever they want/whenever they want, and my only job is applying sunscreen and ensuring no one drowns.) 

In all seriousness, I have a lot of gratitude when I look back on that trip. It went exceptionally well and I am so blessed to have been able to have that experience with them. Life is good.

Now ... to report on my week back. Well, I am happy to say that I freaking rocked it! Okay, Monday was a complete write-off but, come on, I had a major vacation hangover and was drowning in laundry. (I know, I know, poor me). But Tuesday, I was back at’er! In fact, I did really well all the other days of the week. My eating was on point with healthy choices being made at least once every day. Was it perfect? Heck no! But is it a huge change from week one? OMG, YES! Yay, food health!

I was physically active three days that week complete with two hikes, a walk, and some work with weights! When I wrote out my directional plan at the beginning of this journey, my goal for physical movement was indeed 3x per week so I am stoked to have made this goal happen because I was feeling really burnt out. 

In terms of Change-Making and Self-Love, this is where I really shone. I added to my ‘things I love about myself’ list twice, I did mirror work, I practiced conscious awareness, read my self-help book, and my personal favorite ... worked on my gratitude list!

I think the piece that was most impactful for me this past week was that it is starting to become habit for me to turn to these practices, particularly gratitude. For example, when I have a struggle, rather than stew in pot of anger and resentment for a century, I think of what I can be grateful for in that moment. OR, I (try to) practice a few moments of conscious awareness to calm my body and my mind. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am far from perfect and far from where I want to be. I got snippy with my kids, I ate Kraft Dinner, pizza, and chocolate. And I still drank wine. But I am doing better than I was in week 1 and 2 and that rocks my world! 

I am a bit leary because I am aware that my current upswing could be, in part, due to the better weather we are having but still, success is success. And, I’m hoping that I can build enough momentum here to carry me through dreary winter. (I REALLY struggle with winter). 

Also, I was reflecting on what my goals should be this next week and struggled to come up with something to beyond ‘continue to focus on eating and drinking well’. It made me realize that I really need to put some thought into goal-making. And not just for the coming week ... but in life. I think that having concrete, attainable goals is very important and not something I have been very good at. I tend to do things in a loosey-goosey way like ‘I want to eat better’ or ‘I want to lift more weights’ ... this allows me to take the easy way out so-to-speak. Whereas if I had a very concrete goal of doing arm curls with 25lbs dumbells, 20 reps, 5 times a week ... it would be very difficult for me to fluff out of that. I either make the goal or I don’t. 

So, my goal for this week is to make goals, both short term and long term. And yes, still watch what I eat and drink. ;)

Overall, I am very proud of myself. I haven’t lost momentum and am still going strong. I really think writing this blog is helping with holding me accountable so ... thanks for reading! Thanks for the support, thanks for helping me find my love of writing again, and thanks for the encouragement. :)

[christineesovoloff]

ECM - week two. The progress continues ... I think?

Alright, week two check-in, comin’ up! 

I am blogging a bit earlier this week as I am going to Mexico this Sunday and I didn’t want to miss it .. so that means we are working with only 5 days again. 

(Mexico = Self Love!) 

I’ve got to say, I freaking rocked this week! It was awesome ... but not without it’s challenges (and a few of them surprising).

Monday and Tuesday were particularly amazing.  I added to my gratitude list and read my self-help book (Change-Making), I added to my ‘things I love about myself’ list and did some mirror work (Self-Love), I ate like a rockstar, drank lots of water, and limited my wine (Food Heath), AND even went for a hike (Physical Movement)!

My first two days were, in my opinion, ‘Gold Medal’ worthy!  I even found myself walking by my mirror and giving myself a little ‘wink and the gun’. “Yes, you go girl! Look at you changing your life! Acting all positive, creating your desired story ...”

Now you would think (at least I thought) that these couple of positive days would have propelled me through the rest of the week. After all of that momentum I had built, how could I not have an amazing next few days?!

Turns out, that’s not the case.

I woke up Wednesday morning with a serious case of the cranks. Perhaps it is the fact that it is spring break and I am constantly surrounded by children (Lord, I love them, but seriously), perhaps it is PMS, or Mercury Retrograde (what?!) ... I don’t know. All I know is that I woke up in the foulest of FTW moods (Fuck The World). 

Like seriously. 

You know when everything irritates you?! You start thinking of what an asshole that cashier was two weeks ago, what a jerk your aunt is, or that your hair looks stupid and how can anyone love you with stupid hair?! 

Well, that was me. 

AND then, I snapped my keys off in my ignition and my car battery died. (That didn’t help my FTW mood, let me tell ya!)

However, what I noticed is that I still attempted to use the tools that I have been working on and complete something that was going to take me to my desired story. 

For example, I still added to my gratitude list (that my ignition wasn’t damaged and that my amazing friend was able to drive me around all day). 

Or on Thursday, when I was having an anxiety attack, I sat in my car for a few moments and practiced my conscious awareness to calm my mind. I also went for a walk and drank lots of water. 

Above all, what I noticed is that I was gentle with myself. I definitely had my moments of feeling like this was all a bust, but then I would gently remind myself that everyone has bad days. And if anything, on these days, the part I need to focus more on is the Self-Love. Perhaps it means taking a long bath or a nap, perhaps it means eating some of my favorite chocolate or spending time with a cherished friend ... whatever it is ... I need to do it, with love and caring for myself. 

The bottom line is that everyone has bad days and despite my best attempts, I am not going to be Sally Sunshine all the time (I’m not even sure I would want to be). And on bad days, I have a choice ... I can say ‘Screw it!’ and dive into a vat of self-pity and potato chips OR I can try to give my body what it needs (proper nutrition and rest) and bring it back to gratitude. What impressed me this week was that, despite my fouled of moods, I was able to do the latter. 

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely rocked a few pity parties in there, but after I was done I gave my head a shake and kept on trucking - and that is something to celebrate.

So, overall, I am really happy with how my week went. The two goals I set for myself (drink more water and less wine) went well(ish). I definitely drank more water and I would say that I did okay with the wine. Is it as good as I had hoped? No, not really. But again, rather than beat the crap out of myself, I am choosing to be gentle and observant. Wine and social gatherings often go hand-in-hand in my group of friends so I definitely need to find myself a fun mocktail but .. I really did do not too bad! 

Now like I said, I am off to Mexico soooo I won’t be checking in for two weeks BUT while I am gone I am still going to try to incorporate change-making, self-love, food health, and physical movement into my Mexico days. If I were to guess, I would say physical health will be easy (hello, boogy-boarding!) and food health will be a little harder (because, hello tacos ...) But I’m going to do my best and be gentle with myself in the process.

Yay me!

Also, I am going to set myself a goal - to try to be as present as with my children as possible and let the little things go. After all, these family trips won’t always be possible ... and I am so lucky to have the opportunity to spend the week in Mexico with my blended family. :)

See you in two weeks!

[christineesovoloff]

ECM - week one. The progress begins

Okay so week one, done! I started on a Wednesday so I guess it’s only 5 days ... but still!  And ya know, I didn’t do too bad! 

Here is my accountability report ;) ...

First, the change-making category. I was able to do something in the ‘change-making’ department four out of the five days in my week. This is an area that I definitely need to remind myself to do But one that I find manageable.  I started small, but I think that’s a good thing. This week I filled out the front of my ECM, read some of a self help book I borrowed from a friend, made a gratitude list, and practiced conscious awareness for 3.5 minutes (ie: mindfulness or meditation).  

Now let’s chat about that conscious awareness - 3.5 minutes may not seem like much but I am stoked because I have always found ‘being present’ pure torture! Like seriously, I would have rather hammered bamboo rods underneath my fingernails then spend two minutes attempting to quiet my very busy squirrel-like mind. Mindfulness and Christine just didn’t jive. As in, I sucked at it ... Now I know what you’re thinking, ‘Oh Christine, you can’t be bad at mindfulness. Just empty your mind and release thoughts as they come without judgement ... blah, blah, blah.”  Well, I can assure you, I was terrible at it. However, I would like to put some emphasis on the word WAS. Which leads me to my triumph ... (insert valiant trumpet noise here) ... I have found away to practice mindfulness without wanting to throw myself in front of a train!

It is a technique a I recently learned from my therapist. She said, rather than focus so much on emptying your mind, etc. ... just practice being consciously aware of your body and how it feels. In other words, allow my beautiful squirrel mind to focus on something. Focus on the feeling of my feet on the ground, the chair beneath my legs, the breeze on my skin, the sound of the traffic in the distance, etc. It pulls me out of my head, into my body, and into the moment in a way that doesn’t feel like torture! yay! This is something that I definitely want to expand upon.

Anyway, my change-making efforts felt do-able and definitely kept me focused and on-task.

Next, Self-Love. Remember, this is the one I was most afraid of? Well turns out, I’m better at loving on myself than I thought. I didn’t practice self-love exercises every day (unless you count spending time with friends), but when I did do it, it wasn’t as difficult as I anticipated. The first thing I did was write down a list of ten things I love about myself and I’ve got to say, 10 things came quicker and easier than I expected. At first it felt a little weird, I think as women we are always taught not to be vain, etc ... but once I got past that bullshit programming, I had no trouble coming up with 10 things. Looking forward to expanding on that list and putting a stop to that self-deprecating talk. (Notice how I said ‘beautiful squirrel mind’ up above? See, I’m working on it! :)

Also, I did some mirror work (loving convos with myself in the mirror). Also, easier than expected!

Okay, on to Physical Movement. This guy also came pretty easy to me. This is probably, in part, due to the nicer weather we’ve been having but whatever, I’m still taking it! I went for a walk one day, hiked knox, did some squats around the house on a yucky weather day and went to my first ever November Project. If you are unfamiliar with the Kelowna November Project, they meet once a week for a free workout at 6:29 am. Yes, you read that right, 6:29 AM! If you know me well, you know that that is a BIG deal as I love sleep more than almost anything. But I did it! I think that physical health will be a decent area for me while the weather is nice but might need a bit more attention when the weather turns cold again.

Now ... Food Health. Let’s just say this one was my biggest struggle and clearly one of my weakest areas. I kind of bombed. (I say that with lots of love and understanding for myself). I think I only ate about 3 healthy meals in the 5 days. Yikes. I seem to have gotten myself into a bit of a bad habit. You see, I love food. And after a couple of years of poor eating, I seem to prefer all things deep-fried, smothered in cheese, and purely carbohydrates. Eating healthy is also a bit (or a lot) more work and time. You need to do food prep, meal plan, and not depend on red wine as a food group. My family is also a bit picky so I find that dinners can be hard. HOWEVER, a part of this process is being gentle with myself AND I did make three healthy choices during those 5 days. If I can expand on that by one healthy meal each week, these healthy choices will become more of a habit and I will be on fire!  I am also not willing to give up on my favorites. This is all about balance and living a life I love ... and I love nachos and red wine. So, if I can get to a more balanced place with that while still allowing myself room for my treats, I will be happy.

Lastly, Creative Space. This is an area to be used for really whatever you want to get you closer to your desired story, track progress, appointments, events ... anything I think? This week, I used it as a space to set my goal of writing in my blog ... and here I am, writing in my blog so ... SUCCESS!

In the planner, there is also a section to set a couple of goals for the week. This week, I set two goals for myself - both paperwork type stuff and I completed both so points for that! 

Overall, I am happy with my week. I had one day (Friday) where I really didn’t do anything but that is because I had friends in town (which could fit into the self-love category?). Either way, I think we all need a rest day, especially when we are first starting. All of the other days, I hit at least one of the areas ... and on one of the days I hit them all!

I definitely feel like I have made some progress and am excited to continue this journey! 

Goals for this next week, drink more water and less alcohol!

Let’s go!

[christineesovoloff]

Enthusiastic Change - in progress

So despite my frequent pity-partying over the past couple of years, I have had some amazing experiences and met some pretty incredible people here in Kelowna - one of which is Amanda Zaal, creator of the Enthusiastic Change Maker planner (or ECM planner for short). 

Amanda is truly kick-ass and created the ECM planner as a way of helping people create the lives they want and reach their full potential in a balanced and gentle way. The book encourages you to get clear about your goals in your life and then actually reach them by focusing in on 5 key areas - change-making, self love, physical movement, food health, and creative space. I’m simplifying here (check out her website for more info) but essentially the premise is that you need to work on all of these areas in a balanced way in order to achieve a healthier, happier life. IE: you can’t sit around all day eating bonbons and watching the golden girls ... and then feel all insulted that your life isn’t changing even though you spend a few minutes each day reading inspirational quotes on Instagram. You need to make changes and work on all areas of your life in order to really do it ... at least that’s how she did it. And she has quite the story ... again, check out her site.

Anyway, in an attempt to pull my head out of my ass ... I bought the planner! AND I decided that in order to hold myself accountable, I would journal/blog my experience. 

Sooooooo, here goes!!! 

The first thing this little bad boy gets you to do is a little personal inventory. Where do you want to go/what life do you want to live? and Where are you now?/What is your current story?

Now I have always been good at self-reflection so this part wasn’t so bad for me ... Where/Who do I want to be/what life do I want?? That’s easy! 

I want to be wake up with energy and gratitude every day. I want to further my career and writing. I want to nurture my already existing relationships and foster new ones. I want to focus on my wins way more than I focus on my problems. I want to fill my body with healthy things while being gentle with myself when I binge on nachos and cheesecake. I want to be motivated. I want to travel. And mostly, I want to forgive the past, let go of resentment, and move forward! Oh yea, and I want a great ass (ie. work on my physical fitness)!

Woot woot! That felt great! Next, where are you now/What is you current story? (this part wasn’t as much fun)

Hmmm, well, let’s see ... I wake up often feeling anxious and overwhelmed. My diet consists of carbs, sugar, and caffeine. I am often resentful, and insecure. I struggle at work in terms of motivation and focus .... and I have as much physical activity in my day as a sloth. 

sigh, awesome. Anyway, onward and upward ... this is what the planner is for, right?!

So now, it is time to embark. Every day, I will try to take steps to reach my desired story - I will try to nourish my body with healthier foods, do something to support my physical health, and do something to keep focused on my goal - changing my mindset to a positive one. And let’s not forget the most daunting one of all ... I will try to do something every day to practice self-love. (This one intimidates me the most, to be honest).

And, like I said above, part of this journey for me will be to expand on my writing so I plan in checking in every week ... I’m hoping this also holds me accountable.

Stay tuned ... and wish me luck.

[christineesovoloff]

Jeff

So I’m sitting here trying to write about my Dad ... and it’s not going well. I’ve tried looking at every source of inspiration possible - my kids, other blogs, funny dad quotes ... and nothing. I’m finding it a little frustrating because it’s not like I don’t have lots to say about the guy. Trust me, I could talk about him for hours ... it’s just not flowing nicely into written word tonight. And it wasn’t yesterday or the day before that either.

I suppose it’s not something I should be stressing over,  I mean if it’s not working, it’s not working, there are lots of other things I could write about ...  but I kind of I feel like I owe him this. After all, I’ve written plenty about my mom, I’ve written lots about my kids, I think he would be a little insulted that I haven’t written about him too. That is if dead people feel insulted ... which I’m not sure they do.

I’ve just realized I may be causing some confusion. After all, I did just write a blog about my dad. However, that was my bio-dad. My sperm donor, if you will. THIS blog is about my ACTUAL dad. The guy that put in the real work. You know, the guy that wiped my tears, put up with my teenage sass, and all with zero appreciation or thanks. And to top it all off, he didn’t even really live long enough to fully enjoy me being a successful adult. Talk about a rip-off.

Anyway, I want to write about him because a) he was an incredibly inspirational part of my life. He is the reason I have road rage and love Bob Seger and yorkshire puddings. And b) because the 10 year anniversary of his death just passed and I feel like I need to commemorate that some way ...

For those of you who weren’t not lucky enough to know my Dad (Jeff), he was an avid hockey fan (Canucks), crossword master, lover of jokes (particularly ‘Little Johnny’ jokes), and the ultimate tough guy. He was the type of dad that always had his arms and ears open to my friends and he was an amazing cook. He didn’t have a huge menu of things that he made, but the things he did make - delicious!

Among his most popular dishes, were his cesar salad and his prime rib. He loved nothing more than cooking up a roast dinner (complete with fixings) and beaming with pride when every morsel went. There was never a scrap to spare because it was sooooo yummy ... and also because he never made enough. I think that this may be a British trait because he’s not the only Brit I know that makes just enough to fill you, but barely enough for seconds ... and certainly not enough for leftovers. I’ve never been able to understand it. Is it because they are frugal? Or perhaps because they like the self-esteem boost of watching everyone lick their plates clean? Not a roast dinner went by that good ol’ Jeff didn’t look around at everyone’s empty plates and longing eyes, chuckle with pride and say “Well, guess I could have made more, eh?”

“Yes, you could have made more! For the love of God, I’ve been saying that for 16 year! Make more! This stuff’s delicious!”

I miss that routine.

Another thing that I loved about Jeff is that despite the fact that he was ‘tough as nails’ (one of things I was most proud of as a child was that ‘my dad could definitely beat up your dad!’) ... but he was also a huge softy. He would often get tears in his eyes when he saw I was crying, he would always hug and ferociously defend my friends when they were upset, and he even got so worried when he found out I was (very unexpectedly) pregnant with my first child that he vomited (just a touch of the flu, he muttered). He cared so deeply about those in his circle, he was always willing to listen, and he was very forgiving ... unless, of course, you were driving on the same stretch of road as him at the same time.

I have yet to meet someone with more severe road rage in my entire life. It really didn’t matter what you did as another driver on the road ... you did it fucking wrong. And too slowly. 

Truth be told, Jeff could actually be a HUGE grump. I say that with love. I think my friend Danny said it best when he got up to speak at his funeral and started his speech with  “When I first met Jeff, I thought he was the most ornery, cantankerous, old so-and so I’d ever met!” 

And it was true. 

Most of my friends were a little scared when they first met him ... although that didn’t last long. It was the little things that bugged him ... Heaven forbid there be any noise (like breathing) while he was doing his crosswords in the morning, or watching his beloved hockey at night. God help you if you clinked a glass too loudly or ... drank any of his drink mix. You never knew what was going to set him off, but one thing you could count on was the reaction you would get ... a ‘tsk’, a dirty look, a dramatic sigh, and a ‘Jesus Christ!’ (not necessarily in that order).

The weird thing is, I swear I miss that stuff as much as I miss the rest. I miss the road rage (which, despite the fact that we are not biologically related, I seem to have inherited), I miss his crankiness. I miss the ‘tsks’ and I miss the colorful language (which I have also inherited). 

I miss it all.

For those of you that never knew him and just hear my stories, you missed out. The stories just don’t do him justice. He was one of the kindest, funniest old farts you could ever meet. (He would really appreciate that I just called him an old fart). 

He was one of my absolute favorite people. Still is.

So, Jeff .... thanks again for everything. Thanks for always being there. Thank you for making our home a safe place and for always making my friends feel welcome (except when they tried to get into your drink mix). Thanks for always being there for mom and for always making me laugh. Thanks for always trying to record the shark shows so I wouldn’t miss them and for buying me feta-stuffed peppers cause you knew how much I loved them. Thank you for introducing me to Willie Nelson, Bob Seger, The Righteous Brothers, and all the other good music.

Thank you for continuing to keep an eye on us (I am certain that you are). Please help guide my boys. I will continue to remember you every time I see Rottweilers, eat prime rib, hear a ‘little Johnny’ joke, or see an old redneck mutter ‘Jesus Christ!’ under his breathe ... 

I know I probably didn’t say it enough while you were alive but I love you and you were always, and always will be, my true Dad.

Turns out, you were the only source of inspiration I needed.

[christineesovoloff]

Elena

My sweet Elena, I'm honestly not sure how to wrap my head around this. It is very difficult to imagine a world without you in it.

I really don't think anyone could transform a space like you could. You literally lit up every room you walked in to. Your beauty, your smile, your laugh (my gawd, that laugh! How many time have I said "shhh!" Lol?!)  ... but mostly it was your spirit. You exuded so much kindness, so much enthusiasm, and so much zest for life, that it was contagious and palpable. Like sometimes it damn near winded me. You were also one of the most thoughtful people I have ever met. I remember when my mom died and you brought over a carefully picked out bottle of wine, a beautiful flower pot, and a card with a the most heartfelt message written into it. That meant so much to me.

Remember when you stayed at our house in the summer for a couple of nights and left a beautiful thank you card on our mantle before you left. Who writes heartfelt thank you cards anymore?!

You do.

Everything you did, you did with careful consideration for others. 

I remember you sleeping over at my house one night in Castlegar and I got sleepy. I crawled into bed and you came and tucked the blankets in around me, hugged and kissed me goodnight, and shut off the light. Do you know how nice it is to be tucked in at age 35 LOL?! I will never forget that.

I will never forget you belting out songs on our deck, your passion for perfoming, or bringing a bag to my house so full of nail polish that I thought the bag might split. You never were one for light packing. I can’t imagine what your trips to Europe were like.

I will never forget your love of animals. I will never forget how you made it very clear to me when I had my divorce that I was still your family.

I will never forget your kindness, acceptance, and forgiveness.

I will never forget how passionate you were about your dreams. You are one of the most determined, hard working women I know.

This just feels so unfair. 

I love you, Elena. I wish I’d said that more. I wish I had never taken you for granted. I wish I had spent more time. 

I just want to know you are okay. 

I hope you walked into the afterlife on a red carpet. I hope you were greeted by a herd of little hugo-type dogs and all the people who loved you. I hope you are with Tracy and Dusty and your Deda. 

The world is better place having had you in it. You have left us with so many memories of joy and laughter. You have helped me be more kind, more accepting, and to DREAM big. 

Thank you for being my friend. And accepting me into your family. Thank you for loving me and my kids. I was so blessed to know you.

Fly high. And rest easy knowing how many people you touched. How much laughter you shared, and how much kindness you spread.

P.S. Finding a picture to post with this was hard. First of all, I wanted you to approve. (Not that you have ever taken a bad picture!) And second, I wanted one that captured your spirit. I couldn’t help but pick one with an animal. <3

[christineesovoloff]

Ninja knickers to the rescue!!!

I was cruising around Pinterest one day and found a quote that struck something deep inside me. It read, "I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.“ (I know, deep, right?)

Anyway,I gasped in excitement and thought, "Oh my gawsh, that’s totally me!” and quickly ‘pinned’ it before moving on to other sparkly things … but something pulled me back.

What the heck is with that anyway?!

It’s not so much an 'outfit’ for me, I am not nearly organized enough to have outfits, but I do have a drawer full of undies that I only wear on special occasions. They are my 'look good, feel good’ knickers. The items that make me feel like a million bucks when I put them on. For some reason I have never been able to bring myself to wear them on an ordinary day … it just didn’t feel right putting on something  lacey, silky, or sexy underneath my pajama pants that have little boy boogers smeared on them, ya know? 

What if they get … I don’t know, wrecked?

They’re much safer in my drawer and only being worn twice a year, while my ratty old Walmart specials get all the action. Now, in my rational mind, I know this is silly and doesn’t make any sense, I mean come on, Christine, get over it.  If they make you feel good, wear 'em!  

But in my irrational mind, I just could’t bring myself to 'waste’ my precious little diddys on an regular day … until recently, when circumstances forced me to realize the true power a pair of great panties holds. Undies have the power to make or break your day. I mean, come on girls, you’ve got to admit, it’s hard to have a good day when you’re wearing something down under that bunches, rides, chafes, or worst case scenario - doesn’t breathe! And a good pair of panties, ones that are comfy, sexy, sassy, cute, or you-name-it, can take a girl’s day from 'Ho-Hum’ to 'Ooooooh YUM’ in a matter of seconds. I have learned that skivvies can be woman’s secret weapon, wearing something dazzling under your clothing can make you feel more empowered, feminine, and confident … even if you’re wearing nothing but rags over top. And, dammit,  I have learned that everyday should be a great underwear day. 

This realization hit me one morning when I was running a little behind schedule. You know, one of those days where have you slept in, you’re grumpy, you’re about 45 minutes behind, and the kids are fighting.

Oh, you have those days, too? I’m not the only one? Phew!

Anyway, I was running around my house frantically trying to find something to wear. Well, it was laundry day in the Esovoloff household so, of course, everything was dirty. That’s right, every  pair of ratty Walmart unmentionables was dirty. Now here’s the worst part … I was actually a few days behind on laundry day (don’t judge me), so even my 'laundry underwear’ was dirty. You know, the pair of disgusting granny panties that you only keep for desperate times.

Well, now I was really stuck.  I am not the kind of girl who can go commando, my lady bits can’t handle that, they need to be lovingly encased in cotton before they can go out into the world.  So in my desperation, I grabbed a pair of skivvies out of the special drawer. That’s right, the lacey, sexy, nothing under $30, special drawer. You can imagine my horror, but like I said, I was in distress, so I threw them on underneath my ripped up yoga pants and stained t-shirt, and went about my day.

Well, as soon as they were up over my cheeks, my day started to shift. At first, I went about my business (still frantically rushing), dropped the kid off at school, and went grocery shopping … and, that’s when I noticed the extra little spring in my step. It was like I had a sassy little secret that no one else knew about.

“Hey guess what world, I may look frumpy on the outside, but underneath these stained clothes and messy hair is pure sex appeal!”

I was like a stealthy underwear ninja, slinking up and down the aisles of the store amongst the unsuspecting people, grabbing my groceries with such flair that it was shameful! I held my head up higher. I felt freakin’ fantastic. And it just continued from there. Even cleaning the house felt sexier, like I was some sort of naughty maid … except way less glamorous, and my fridge was really dirty and scumy which took away from the positive experience.

My husband noticed the change right away too, “Honey, I’m home!”

“Oh, hi dear, how was your day?” I purred confidently.

“Uhh, good, you feeling okay, what’s wrong with your eye?” he said.

(sigh) “Nothing, jerk, I was winking at you!”

“Huh? OHHH!”

(Okay, so he didn’t notice the way I had hoped but he knew was something was different … and whatever, I’ve never been able to wink, okay?!)

The point is, I felt fantastic, and it really got me questioning my aversion to wearing nice clothes on 'insignificant’ days. What makes a day significant anyways?! Don’t women deserve to feel nice ALL of the time?! I mean, I should be able to feel like a goddess whether I am wearing a little black dress or booger-smeared pajama pants. And if wearing sexy underwear makes me feel like a goddess, then dammit, I’m going to wear them. So, gone are the days of ratty panties or things that might have belonged to my grandmother … from now on, it’s only sexy knickers for me! (Except on laundry days.) So if you see me out and about with a little extra spring in my step and a weird eye twitch, (don’t worry, I’m probably winking at you), you’ll know that I’m wearing my fancy undies.

Shhh, It’ll be our little secret.

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Running towards rejection

Disclaimer - I had, in my opinion, a bit of an abnormal, normal childhood. It certainly wasn’t terrible by any means ... I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea ... but there were definitely some aspects of it that were unique. Now whether these stories of my childhood and youth are worth telling, well that’s a matter of opinion I suppose, but I figured I would give it a go here. So grab a glass of wine, maybe two, and enjoy. We’ll call this Chapter 1.

My father’s name was Delbert. Not a great name if you ask me, I would have liked my father to have a cooler name ... but, what are ya going to do?! 

His name is one of the handful of things I know about him. Like a really small handful. Among the others - he worked in construction, had a dog named Pierre, a son that I will call Sven (needed to follow Delbert with something with a little more flair), and was predeceased by his parents.

I learned most of this from his obituary which my mother found online when she googled his name nearly a year after his death.

My father was, more or less, completely absent from my life. I’m sure you had gathered that already. 

I say ‘more or less’ because I did meet him a few times throughout my childhood and I even have some memories of him ... he wore brown snap-up shirts, called me ‘hun’, bought me a life-size barbie head that I could paint make-up on, and had oreo ice-cream sandwiches in his freezer that he was gracious enough to share. 

It seems Delbert was not so much terrible man as he was a self-preserving man who had zero interest in being a father to me. 

Although that definitely stung a bit as I was growing up (Still does if I’m being honest. I was cute as a button, who wouldn’t want me?!), I think the part that bothers me the most is that Delbert kept me a secret from everyone in his life. 

Now when I say secret, I mean top secret. This guy went through 28 years of his life hiding the fact that he had a daughter. From everybody. (Gotta kind of respect his determination and can-do attitude, I suppose). Actually, in all reality, I came into the world completely hidden on both sides. Even my mother hid her pregnant belly behind baggy sweaters and a haze of cigarette smoke.

Perhaps I was the product of an affair, perhaps it was that Delbert was as old as the hills when I was conceived, I’m not exactly sure what went down, but all I know is that neither of my parents were too stoked to be expecting a child. So much so that they planned on no one ever finding out.

So after a top-secret pregnancy, I spent my first few weeks of life in foster care, awaiting my adoption, until my mother had a change of heart. (No surprise there, like I said, I was freaking adorable).

Delbert, however, never did have a change of heart and our relationship was nothing more than those few visits, and some birthday cards signed ‘Del’. 

So as you can imagine, when I found out he had died I was filled a variety of emotions - sadness for the relationship we never had, anger for how I had been treated, and excitement ... this was my chance! My chance to connect with the family I’d been robbed of. To be honest, I’d kind of always been waiting for this. If the bugger wanted to keep me a secret in life, not much I could do about it. But fat chance stopping me when you’re dead, bucko!

Now despite how that last sentence comes across, I’ve always had a ‘Pollyanna’ type view of the world and I guess I had kind of imagined that after the initial shock of everything subsided, that my new-found fam would be pretty stoked to have me. I figured we would have an awkward first meeting and then develop some sort of relationship based on the old ‘God works in mysterious ways’ or ‘hey, this is weird. Our dad is kind of a jerk, eh?!’  ...  You know, the usual things that you might discuss over a demolished turkey and some empty pie plates.

Well, turns out, that wasn’t how it all went down.

There was no conversation over turkey. No awkward meeting. No bonding over our anger. Not even anything cool or dramatic like what you might see on ‘Days Of Our Lives’ or ‘General Hospital’.

There was nothing but a letter from my Dad’s estate lawyer saying that everyone was very shocked to hear about me and did not wish to communicate. Ever.

To make things slightly more interesting (and I guess this part does kind of have a bit of soap opera drama to it.), he also said that I wasn’t necessarily missing out, that my half-brother is a ‘weird guy’  and ‘not someone he would want to meet in a dark alley’. 

Ummm, what?! 

Okay, not only was that super anticlimactic but I had waited years for this! I had fantasized about what this little interaction would look like ... and getting a vague rejection letter implying that my bro is a deranged criminal wasn’t it! 

Screw that crap!

I’m a freaking positive Polly-Anna and there is no way this was how this story was ending. 

Sure maybe he was a little rough around the edges but maybe he was just like the tough-as-nails biker type that was surly and terrifying but once you got to know him he’s just a big ball of gush. You know, like I’d have to tell my boyfriends “Don’t mind my brother, it took us years to find each other and he is just very protective of me.” And he’d say things like ‘If you hurt her I’ll kill you and they’ll never find the body.” .... and then we would all laugh and laugh together.

I was sure, with time, he would come around. After all, how could he not be curious?!

Well, I’d love to be able to tell you that that is the way it all worked out. I wish I could say that curiosity got the better of my surly (but gooey on the inside) brother and that we are now working on developing some sort of relationship.  I’d love to tell you that I’ve received answers and closure or even just a few simple things like a couple of photos and some medical history. But I can’t tell you any of that. I am still sitting here with a bunch of questions and a fair share of abandonment issues. 

Anticlimactic, right?! 

Anyway, I guess what I’ve come to realize is that sometimes in life, you don’t get the answers you want. Things don’t always wrap up nicely like they do at the end of a tv show, or have the dramatic flair of a soap opera episode, where you may find out that you have a sibling that you didn’t know about .... but you also find out that they are the town’s renowned neurosurgeon and heir to an empire! 

Sometimes, in real life, you just end up with uninterested, uninvolved fathers ... and brothers who follow suit. 

And that’s okay. I’ve made it this far without them; I’ll be just fine going forward. 

And who knows what the future holds. Perhaps my dad’s family will reach out some day, but I won’t be running across that meadow with arms outstretched for someone sprinting the other way.  

Besides, I’ve got my own family now. And I’ve got my friends. And wine. And chocolate. And writing.

Next up, Chapter 2 - my maternal family! (that’s where the drama really comes in ...)

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Hey Ma,

It’s me! Your adorable and favorite daughter! (I swear I can feel you smiling when I say that.) 

I thought I’d write to you because it has been almost a year since you died. Felt like something I should commemorate, ya know? 

Anyway, as you can imagine (and as I’m sure you’ve been aware of from wherever you are), it’s been a tough year. There has been a lot of change. A lot of emotion. A lot of pain and a lot healing. And, I can say that at this point, (today anyway), I feel like I am in a much better place in terms of our relationship ... and your death.

I always loved calling you ‘Ma’, it made me think of us as a young Dorothy and Sophia off of the Golden Girls. You were not nearly as crusty as Sophia and I would like to think of myself as more of a Blanche/Rose combo than a Dorothy ... but I remember us watching the show together when I was little and it just makes me smile.

I smile a lot more now when I think of our past. I suppose that’s been one of the most notable changes in the past year. That now when I think of you, I don’t go straight to the alcoholism, or the resentment ... I think of all the good stuff. The stuff that makes me proud. I think of the golden girls, how you used to call me ‘pumpkin’, the weird finger pointing game we would play when I was tiny, how our house (despite the troubles) was always where me and my friends felt welcomed, safe, and loved. 

Now in conversations with friends, I am more likely to highlight your years as a teacher, or the time you spent working with individuals with disabilities in group homes. I am quicker to mention your endless patience, or the care and compassion you showed people and their families when you volunteered with Hospice. 

I find myself fill with pride when I speak of the woman you were - smart, caring, compassionate, accepting, patient, and full of love for all of the underdogs.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m still me. I cope with humor so I totally still make fun of you too. (Sorry. But I did when you were alive, you didn’t think that would end just cause you died, did you?!) You know, I talk about the fishcakes, the time you tried to make a roast chicken dinner (it was raw), or the time you boiled mini quiches thinking they were perogies and still made us eat the resulting slop ... I make fun of your cooking skills a lot honestly ... But I also like to switch it up and joke about in your inability to eat without getting food everywhere, your gift-buying skills, and your epic dance moves too.  

The fact that my teasing is well-rounded has got to count for something, right?!

Anyway, the bottom line is, this year has made me realize how lucky I was to have you. (even with the cooking!)

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not perfect. I still falter. I have my moments of anger and feeling betrayed. I still feel heartbroken and have some issues around abandonment. I still miss you like crazy. And I’ve been known, every once in a while, to rock a pity party like it’s nobody’s business. 

But, all in all, I am better. I am working on healing. Healing me. And healing us. 

Because the fact is, Fiona Drayton, you were remarkable. 

I consider myself lucky to be your daughter, and I wanted you to know that. I know I focused on all of the bad stuff when you were alive. And, if I’m being honest, that stuff it’s still there. But it’s smaller now. And it’s made room for all of the goodness that you were to shine through - and what a bright light you were. 

For all the wrong you did, you did a whole lot more right. 

And, I think that’s all any of us can ask for at the end of our lives. That we leave the world a little better. That we cause more smiles than tears. That we have greeted the world with more compassion and love than we did indifference and cruelty. 

At the end of it all, I think that’s a win.

And Ma, you won.

[dailyinspirationquotes]

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