#aimandglow

[christineesovoloff]

The ECM adventure - 2 months in ...

Hello again! Betcha you weren’t sure if you’d ever hear from me again! 

I know, I know, it HAS been a while since my last check-in. The truth is, I definitely hit a bit of a wall and needed to sort that out.  The other truth is, I was getting bored with writing about this one specific thing every week (I am a bit of a ferret and have a short attention span). Soooo, I decided that I would check in every month. I figured this way I can coincide it with the monthly check-in that is in the book, I am still holding myself accountable to you, and not writing about the same thing week after week and boring us all to tears. 

Sound good?

K, let’s get started.

Well, these past 5 weeks have been interesting to say the least. I started out very weak. I don’t even want to get in to that part very much because I don’t want to give it any more energy than I already have. Basically, it was the same ol’ drinking too much wine, eating nachos, not exercising enough, and wondering when my life is going to change. The only thing I seemed to do pretty consistently is practice gratitude, so that was good.

Anyway, somewhere mid-month, I was reading ‘You are a Badass’ by Jen Sincero and came across something that rang really true for me. I’m badly summarizing here (just go read the book) but the jist of it was that there is a difference between really wanting something and making a firm decision to go after it. She uses a bunch of examples such as Henry Ford and Steve Speilberg (who was rejected from film school three times). Steven Speilberg, for example, didn’t just ‘want’ to make movies, he made a fucking decision to do it. He decided that he was going to do it even though it was hard, even though a lot of people told him he couldn’t, and even though he failed at it over and over again. 

It made me reflect upon my own life and think of times that I made a decision to do something even though everything stood in my way. The most prevalent example I could think of was when I was 22 and found myself very unexpectedly pregnant with my first child. At that time, I was a complete party girl wrapped up with the wrong crowd, engaging in very destructive behaviour, and didn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out off. I can remember the exact moment I found out. I remember the doc breaking the news and listing off the various options available to me ... and then I remember tuning him out. It was in that moment that I made a very firm decision that I was going to change my entire life and keep the baby. Now, I had NO IDEA how I was going to do it. I didn’t have a clue how I was going to find housing, sort out my finances, or find the resources I needed to change my entire life within 9 months ... but none of it mattered. I made a decision that I was going to do this ... and nothing would stand in my way.

And nothing did.

Despite everyone telling me that I couldn’t or shouldn’t do it, despite it being scary as hell, despite feeling super alone at times, despite the endless tears and multiple hurdles ...  there was never a second that I didn’t know with every fiber of my being that I was going to pull this off. 

Anyway, I imagine it might have been similar for ol’ Steve. If he had just ‘wanted’ to be a film maker, my guess is he would have given up after the 2nd rejection letter came in the mail. He probably would have said ‘Well, I guess this isn’t for me!”, become an accountant or something, and we would all be sitting here without classics such as Jaws, Indiana Jones, and Jurassic Park.

Imagine that?!

Thank gawd he didn’t just want it. Thank gawd he made a decision to go after it no matter how hard it got, no matter many people told him he sucked, or no matter what stood in his way!

He was determined. There was no other option for him other than making award-winning films. He made a decision, believed it was possible, and eventually ... it worked.

Okay, maybe comparing my situation to Steven Spielberg’s is silly. But there is some similarity in the sense of determination and decision making. It really doesn’t matter whether you want to be able to run 1KM, lose 60 lbs, get your doctorate, or become an award-winning film maker ... unless you make a firm decision to do it, you’ll probably quit as soon as it gets tough.

Sooo, all of this stuff got me thinking about all of the other times I have made decisions in my life vs. just wanted things ... and I had to ask myself “Which is it this time, Christine? Are you wanting to change your life? Or are you deciding with every fiber of your being that you are going to change your life?”

I gave it some more thought and came to the conclusion that I was ready to make a decision. 

I am 36 years old and I am so grateful for all that I have. I am blessed with a beautiful family, job, health, home, and friends.  But I have goals, goals for bigger and better things, goals that will not be reached if I give up every time it gets tough, I get tired, or my feelings get hurt.

BOOM - breakthrough!

Which brings me to when my month took a turn ... for the better. 

With this new decision under my belt, I felt fired up! And ... I started to use my ECM differently that I was before. I remember Amanda (author and creator of the ECM) saying that people are much more successful when they write down their goals so, rather than using my ECM to report my progress or lack thereof, I started writing down everything I wanted to accomplish the following day ... and checking it off when I did it. 

And let me tell you, there is something about this process that has really helped me! 

My progress has skyrocketed it! I write down simple, attainable goals in each section every day and (usually) accomplish them - without excuses! 

Don’t get me wrong, I falter sometimes. But I feel as though my success rate has gone through the roof. And on the days that I am not as successful, I hold myself accountable (rather than blaming) and examine what the real issue might be (usually fear).

Now I’m not delusional, I know things will get hard at times and my instinct will be to retreat back to old patterns so another thing I am working on is (continuing to) align myself with people who will support me in reaching my goals. People who I can be vulnerable and honest with, who will hold me accountable, and who will encourage and remind me of my dreams when they seem unreachable to me. 

So, in conclusion, I am feeling stronger and more determined than I have in a long time. I am holding myself responsible for my life while being gentle with myself in the process. After all, we must celebrate the small successes ... Steve didn’t pull Jaws together overnight either ;)

[christineesovoloff]

ECM - week 4.5 - the struggle for balance ...

Well, what can I say ... this week has been a tough one for me. So tough, in fact, that it warrants a blog post mid-week (it’s only Thursday). 

you know it’s bad when ...

Ugh, I am just so overwhelmed. Don’t get me wrong, I am still proud of myself in a lot of ways. I have practiced Change-Making 3 out of the 4 days thus far. I have practiced Self-Love ... although one of those Self-Love things was to indulge in pizza and ice cream which kind of contradicts Food Health .... but you get the point, I’ve done decent. I have made healthy food choices at least once a day, read my self-help book, worked on my gratitude list, whispered sweet self-love nothings into my own ear and even worked out a bit ... but I still want to bloody murder someone. 

And I don’t know why. Okay, I might have an inkling about what might be contributing ... shark week is fast approaching. You know, the curse, Aunt Flow, that time of the month .... yea, call it whatever you want but I’m getting my fucking period and I’m goddamn miserable. 

And that coupled with me doing this ECM thing and trying to change my patterns is creating an interesting dynamic.

Like I’m crying one minute, RAGING a lot of the others, and the rest of the time I am riddled with anxiety and counting all the things that could go wrong ... and what I will do if and when the world does collapse.

But it’s not just the hormones. I think I am really starting to struggle with the changes I’m making in my life. I really think part of my brain is saying ‘Yay, you go girl! You got this!” and the other part is frantically trying to crawl it’s way out of me screaming “Nooooo! What is she doing?! We hate change! I like our old, familiar, somewhat destructive, ways!!!

I’ve realized that brains don’t love change. In fact, they will do everything they can to get out of it. Probably because change is hard. And we are attempting to re-wire pathways that are so ingrained, they are like 6 lane highways! 

For example, when I have a challenging day at work ... the 6-lane highway says ‘Pizza and beer!” ... and now I am supposed to replace that with “I think I’ll have a salad for dinner with some herbal tea and work on my gratitude journal!” 

Like what the hell?!

And ever since last week’s revelation, I am now caught in this constant dance between  ‘being gentle with myself’ and holding myself accountable. 

It’s like there are two people arguing inside of me all the time ... ‘Christine, of course it’s hard not to slip into old patterns! It took you 36 years to get into this mess, it’s going to take a lot longer than 4 weeks to get you out! Be patient! You’re doing great!’ 

and ... ‘Christine, look, you had a crappy day, that’s going to happen, but you can’t use that as an excuse to fall into old patterns. If you are going to go have pizza and beer, don’t blame the crappy day because there is an excuse around every corner. Own your shit! And stop whining!’

It’s exhausting!

And, I think another part of this internal battle is (my other revelation last week) ... a fear or success/failure. 

A peek inside my brain ...

OMG, what am I going to do?

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I need to figure this out!

And then what?

What if I mess it up?

How will I know what is right?

I should be doing more.

I should be doing better.

I’m terrified to change.

But I’m terrified not to.

I think I have just come to that point that I have been all too often in my life ... and I think a lot of people have experienced. The ‘screw it’ point. This is the place where people pick up the smokes again, stop for a 6-pack on the way home from AA, and ditch the diet cause they’ve only lost 3 lbs. It’s the place where people tap out.

We bail because it’s hard. We give up because it’s exhausting. And all of the ugly little bits of ourselves that we self-medicate or do whatever it takes to avoid, start popping up BIG TIME! 

But I don’t want to bail. I am done with living a mediocre life. Do not get me wrong, I am RIDICULOUSLY BLESSED and I LOVE my life and all the gifts that I have been given. But am I living up to my true potential? No. Am I best serving myself or those I hold dear? No. They deserve better from me. And I deserve better from me.

And so I am going to keep trucking. 

I guess it’s a matter of having faith. Faith in myself. And faith that this too shall pass. After all, the darkest hour comes before the dawn.

And who knows, with inspirational stuff like this spewing out of me, maybe I have a career at Hallmark cards waiting for me?!

[christineesovoloff]

ECM - week four. Oh dear ... it’s game time.

Well, it’s time for my week 4 check in and let’s just say ... this one has been interesting. My blaze of glory seems to have come to a screeching halt because this week was a big struggle for me.

I did ‘okay’ - I ate something healthy at least once a day. I practiced self-love and change-making 4 out of the 7 days. And I did decent in the physical movement department (3 hikes and 2 walks). But the thing is, I am so done with just doing ‘okay’.

The real kicker is that ‘doing just okay’ is a very typical pattern for me. I am famous for getting complacent and lazy. I start doing just the bare minimum so I can say I am still doing it ... and sit back wondering why things aren’t shifting. 

It is super frustrating ... and yet, this week (and, as per usual) I did nothing to change this pattern. Instead, I used it as a reason to get angry with myself.

The more I ‘failed’, the more I consoled myself with wine and potato chips, which led me to feeling like more of a ‘failure’, which led me to more poor coping skills ... and so on and so on and so on. 

Like, what the hell?! Why do I do that?! Why do I get in my own way?! 

Well, this week, the universe plopped the answer right down in front of me. I am reading a self-help book right now called You are a badass by Jen Sincero and came across an interesting chapter that really rang true for me. Sincero speaks about how we create stories for ourselves (usually starting with the words ‘I can’t’, ‘I suck at’, ‘I don’t have’) in order to make excuses for why we don’t have the life we want. AND, although these stories we tell ourselves are self-sabotaging and awful, we hang onto them for dear life because we benefit from them in some way ... albeit, the perceived ‘benefits’ are often unhealthy. 

She encourages you to, first, become aware of your self-sabotaging stories, then, to try to become aware of what you are gaining from hanging on to them .... so you can finally invite them to get the hell out of your life!

For example, in regards to my struggle with Food Health, I tell myself this story ... ‘It’s hard for me to eat healthy because of my partner and kids. They are so picky and I need to make food they like.” Another story I like to tell myself is, ‘I was just so busy this week.’ 

Really, Christine?! You were too busy to eat healthy food?! Like grabbing an apple takes so much more time then opening a bag of potato chips?! Seriously?

Anyway, when I examined what I may be gaining from that bullshit story, I discovered ... “When I say that healthy eating is hard because of my family and time constraints, I don’t have to take responsibility anymore. I can blame other things and let myself off the hook. I also get to play the victim and the hero. ‘Look at poor Christine, trying so hard to change her life. She’s doing pretty good but she’s human ... and with a job and picky family, it just makes it darn near impossible!’   In short, I get to have an excuse not to succeed.”

Wait, what?! How is that a gain? 

Well, it is a gain because I get to continue rocking out in mediocrity (which is comfortable), hiding from my true potential, all while not taking any responsibility for any of it! I’m off the hook! 

Say what?!

During further reflection, I realized that this all stems from a fear of success/fear of failure. Such as ... if I was to succeed, people might expect more of me. I would be entering unknown territory and putting myself out there to be criticized and judged. There would be whole lot more pressure. And, with the potential for success comes the potential for failure ... and that’s scary.

So, to keep things from being scary, I keep holding on to my bullshit story and blame my lack of success on other people and circumstances while eating doritos and feeling content that I am doing just ‘okay’ at life! 

Is your head spinning? Yea, mine too.

Anyway, the good thing is that once you’ve wrapped your head around the fact that your life is ALL your fault, and become aware of your crappy self-sabotaging behavior, you can challenge it, and tell it to piss off. 

Like, I am sure this pattern is a self-protective thing stemming from my childhood. It has kept me out of intimidating situations. It has kept me safe. But here’s the thing, I am an adult now. An adult who is strong and able to face scary stuff. In fact, I have rocked some pretty yucky situations like a champ. And, I would really like to let this go now.  So, to my fear-based pattern, thanks for all you did when I needed you but I’m ready to live the life I want now so ... Peace the EFF out!  

That felt good! One story challenged, only 8 millions more to go. Bring on the shifts!

So, my goal for this coming week is to continue to be conscious of the stories I’m telling myself, and the gains I am getting by hanging on to them. I am going to keep doing the work, and when I stumble (which I will, a lot), I will hold myself accountable (gently). These patterns took years to develop so they aren’t going to resolve in few weeks. Being gentle and cutting myself some slack is important ... but so is accountability and ownership. I don’t want to get caught up in a game where I am always ‘being gentle with myself’ as a means of not facing my shit.

The only way my life is going to change is if I change it. And change isn’t going to happen without a little discomfort. Can you imagine a body builder whining every time his muscles got sore and saying ‘I’m going to take a few days off, I really need to be gentle with myself right now.”?!

Me either. 

Anyway, off I go. Wish me luck, although I know this is up to me. And I think I’m ready.  I am ready to go from doing ‘okay’ to doing ‘fucking fabulous’.

Lastly, if you know me, you know that I am a lover of quotes. Below is one I have seen many times but it has never seemed so relevant to me as it has this past week.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” 

[christineesovoloff]

ECM - week three. The post-vacation aftermath ...

Wellllll, I’m baaaaaaack and ready to check in after both my week in Mexico and my first week back. 

My week in Mexico was fantastic but a complete shit show in terms of Food Health. Like, all I did was eat and drink. I came back very burnt, slightly pickled, and exhausted but we had a wonderful time! The weather was great, we met some cool people, and ... everyone got along! Now, that might not seem like a big deal to you but in a blended family with two hormonally-charged 13 year olds, a 10 year old, and a mom (me) with anxiety ... trust me, it’s a big freakin’ deal! We swam, we went boogy-boarding, we romped, we played, it was awesome! (Sidenote - I’ve decided the key to enjoying traveling with children is definitely all-inclusive. No cleaning, no cooking, no laundry, the kids eat whatever they want/whenever they want, and my only job is applying sunscreen and ensuring no one drowns.) 

In all seriousness, I have a lot of gratitude when I look back on that trip. It went exceptionally well and I am so blessed to have been able to have that experience with them. Life is good.

Now ... to report on my week back. Well, I am happy to say that I freaking rocked it! Okay, Monday was a complete write-off but, come on, I had a major vacation hangover and was drowning in laundry. (I know, I know, poor me). But Tuesday, I was back at’er! In fact, I did really well all the other days of the week. My eating was on point with healthy choices being made at least once every day. Was it perfect? Heck no! But is it a huge change from week one? OMG, YES! Yay, food health!

I was physically active three days that week complete with two hikes, a walk, and some work with weights! When I wrote out my directional plan at the beginning of this journey, my goal for physical movement was indeed 3x per week so I am stoked to have made this goal happen because I was feeling really burnt out. 

In terms of Change-Making and Self-Love, this is where I really shone. I added to my ‘things I love about myself’ list twice, I did mirror work, I practiced conscious awareness, read my self-help book, and my personal favorite ... worked on my gratitude list!

I think the piece that was most impactful for me this past week was that it is starting to become habit for me to turn to these practices, particularly gratitude. For example, when I have a struggle, rather than stew in pot of anger and resentment for a century, I think of what I can be grateful for in that moment. OR, I (try to) practice a few moments of conscious awareness to calm my body and my mind. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am far from perfect and far from where I want to be. I got snippy with my kids, I ate Kraft Dinner, pizza, and chocolate. And I still drank wine. But I am doing better than I was in week 1 and 2 and that rocks my world! 

I am a bit leary because I am aware that my current upswing could be, in part, due to the better weather we are having but still, success is success. And, I’m hoping that I can build enough momentum here to carry me through dreary winter. (I REALLY struggle with winter). 

Also, I was reflecting on what my goals should be this next week and struggled to come up with something to beyond ‘continue to focus on eating and drinking well’. It made me realize that I really need to put some thought into goal-making. And not just for the coming week ... but in life. I think that having concrete, attainable goals is very important and not something I have been very good at. I tend to do things in a loosey-goosey way like ‘I want to eat better’ or ‘I want to lift more weights’ ... this allows me to take the easy way out so-to-speak. Whereas if I had a very concrete goal of doing arm curls with 25lbs dumbells, 20 reps, 5 times a week ... it would be very difficult for me to fluff out of that. I either make the goal or I don’t. 

So, my goal for this week is to make goals, both short term and long term. And yes, still watch what I eat and drink. ;)

Overall, I am very proud of myself. I haven’t lost momentum and am still going strong. I really think writing this blog is helping with holding me accountable so ... thanks for reading! Thanks for the support, thanks for helping me find my love of writing again, and thanks for the encouragement. :)