#edel.txt

[titamayacus]

got tired with how often i was compelled to check discord even with dnd on. closing it for a while just so i don't feel like that.

[titamayacus]

enjoying tf stuff is hard when people tend to go too far into it. yes i want to see x character transformed into something unrecognizable, but not to the point the character ceases to be. what is the point if the character can't come to grips what they are now. What is the Point.

[titamayacus]

new rule: don't use my full name. that's weird.

[titamayacus]

sighs i'm reasonably sure its a mixture of being interrupted and having the focus taken away from it suddenly. that and whatever made up rules our brain set in place that spamton!bf would be breaking, which would make three total anxiety triggers. add onto the fact that it was immediately acted upon thereby cutting off any previous conversation that may have been happening, four. five: it is a series we are not really attached to/ambivalent about being inserted into a project that would be tonally dissonant.

this honestly might be a control issue. a moment in our safe space where we lacked control, which has happened before but as fubar is a personal project and it was directly in reference to replacing beepf as "the little guy" it felt like we were being railroaded into whatever was going to be created. so it wasn't a freak accident due to also reading waves always crash (which puts pressure on our anxiety due to the character interactions) but likely just too much all at once.

[titamayacus]

sometimes we remember the nsfw channel exists (we are not there for our own sanity. sex repulsed and it just triggers bad trauma every time.) and one of us, usually whoever carries the most emotions at the time, gets a bit upset for missing out on conversations, or being isolated in some way. which is annoying due to the fact we all acknowledge it as an irrational reaction and does not affect our relationships, or at least shouldn't, but its still there and we have to acknowledge its there. i still wish we didn't periodically remember its existence though. there's nothing we can do about it after all.

[titamayacus]

since im no longer drawing what i was working on. nero from dmc. aka the guy who woke up this morning only to make us fall back asleep until 1:30pm.

[titamayacus]

caught up in thinking how ass 11-12 was for us. one sided relationship that ended with almost sexual assault "is it sexual assault of it's just kissing without consent?" probably gonna hve to look that up later.

tmi content warning. its a lot.

the fact i can recall the rough hammock, his body pressed up against ours, the hot breath of our breathe warming up the enclosed space. we were twelve. he was kissing me, french style. we didn't know what we were doing, so we tried to reciprocate.

honestly i wish we didn't. i still can't stand the thought of someone else's stuff in my mouth. or the feeling of his dick wedge between his crotch and my thigh.

Gray has most of this greyed out emotion wise, I think. that and he doesn't really bother to reflect like I do. that probably means something. but between that and having a complete meltdown over not wanting to live anymore at 11-12ish, then being told to apologize. with nothing changing afterwards. i think that was our breaking point, beyond the things we really don't remember. like that time our family recounted the time we were locked in a dark room as a child to force us to sleep alone. young enough to not remember the event, so under 4-5. they eventually gave us and let us out, but it still bothers me how long we could've been in there. hours? minutes? im honestly afraid to ask. along with how much they neglected us. Sure the recordings say otherwise. but it just feels like we weren't cared for. being the oldest, we were just the test for how to raise a child. and it fucked us up royally.

either way. we stopped trusting our parents after 12. no wonder we also have an aversion to authority.

[titamayacus]

finally managed to put the thoughts i've had about something into words/sharable ideas. the others aren't particularly happy about how i worded it but i know they know that they're just denying how we all feel about this situation.