Eggzilla (1986)
A question I often get is: what was your first exposure to Godzilla? For years, my answer has been “My Godzilla vs. Megalon VHS...” and that’s technically still true. But the other day I stumbled upon an eBay auction for Milton Bradley’s T.H.I.N.G.S. Eggzilla, and long forgotten memories flooded my brain.
I was very young when I was exposed to this toy. So young, in fact, that I can’t recall if I actually owned it, if a friend or cousin owned one, if it was at school... but I know with every fiber of my being that one way or another I PLAYED EGGZILLA on a somewhat regular basis.
I remember every detail of this box. The shape. The stupid “THINGS” acronym. The little green lizard guy. Oh man, that little green lizard guy...
I could tell any G-Fan that this little SD lizard toy was an official Godzilla, and they’d believe me. Arguably, the art of Eggzilla shows a different-enough monster, but the toy itself is enough to piss off Toho’s 3,453-member litigation team. In fact I wouldn’t be shocked if one of you showed me an official Godzilla toy from this same mold.
To play this game, you simply stick Eggzilla down a pole and there’s no way to write that sentence without half of your minds diving into the gutter.
Set a ridiculously fast timer and begin reconstructing the egg as fast as you can. Even on the normal setting, you only have ~30 seconds to do the puzzle. I think this toy has revealed the origin story for my arch-nemesis: chronic anxiety.
When time runs out, Eggzilla launches - LAUNCHES - from the spring, shattering the egg and virtually guaranteeing you eventually lose a piece.
Lookit: I know you have questions. Is this a little lizard dude, or a giant kaiju? Why would his name be “Eggzilla” - it’s not like my name is Sperm-Mikey. How could this possibly work as a 2-player game? How can you actually play this game when you’ve already figured out the 5-piece puzzle once before?? Check the couch; did I lose a piece under there???
Do I have your answers? No! Why would I? I’m not endorsing this thing; I’m just sharing a rare, strange case of memory-emergence. It’s exactly like feeling deja vu. It’s like remembering a forgotten dream. It’s exactly like feeling deja vu.
Still, though... Eggzilla IS pretty cool looking.
Do you remember Eggzilla? Tell me about the other T.H.I.N.G.S.! How’s the weather where you are (it was pleasant but hot for me today).
-M.I.B.
