#ej does meta

[ejunkiet]

i’m back with receipts about why M is so focused on living in the moment, because not only do they not have a past, they also don’t have a future.

yes, I’m talking about what we learn about the crystal and the physical toll M’s pheromones takes on them personally, as well as others around them.

spoilers for book three below the cut-

first theory. the pheromones affect M much the same way they affect the detective. physical pain, as if their head is splitting open, when their pheromones surge - something that they cannot control, although the effects can be tempered by the use of the crystal.

but not stopped from happening completely.

second. the crystal is a fallible method that may not work forever. and M is afraid of that. They’re fiercely protective of the crystal, reluctant to hand it over to someone new - and this is not just because of the pain relief it can provide, but because it is literally the only thing stopping them from destroying themselves and everyone around them

so really, what does that leave them with? A past so painful they asked for the Agency to remove their memories, and an uncertain future based on what happened to them when they were turned?

it’s no wonder they’re so heavily focused on the present and enjoying the moment, there is very little opportunity for them to focus on the future.