#elavi writes

[elavihere]

I wake up in a serene green pond in a lush green garden. The waves of the pool rock me peacefully with a gentle melody, and the acid of the pond melts my bones and takes my skin.

I walk around the garden and tend to a tall tree of wonderful lilacs. Its thousands of tiny mouths breathe out the sweet sent of honey and rot. Those fumes sink in to my chest and fill me with faint and weak.

The wild beasts of the beautiful garden come to meet me. The green sun playing in their shiny fur coats. Every touch of their silky smooth fur on my acid burned skin sends waves of aches through my ancient body.

A pair of green fae run to me, looking at me with eyes of wildflowers and smiles of mountain springs. They clean my wounds of pins and needles, and sing to me with the summer breeze as I finally rest. The chiming of their colorful voices fills my head with mud and ash, and chains my mind in place.

I wonder over to a picnic set just for me. An ancient oak tree cast a mosaic of sun and shade on the handmade green quilt. I sit next to the tree and lean against it's scratchy green bark as I eat. The godly ambrosia turns to wax in my mouth and the sweet nectar is sand in my stomach.

I wind back to the peaceful green pond, carrying the pieces of my rusting foundations and i sit on the shore. The green sun sinks in to the pond and calls me to do the same. And the ruins sitting at shore crumble back in to the lake, and the music of the waves around me sing me to sleep again.

[elavihere]

Heyo, I am Elavi (he/him)

I'm adult years of age and a nursing student dropout. I rant here about my chronic Illness and also my VARIOUS FANDOMS.

I will spam reblog, and I do not spell check, if you don't understand my posts that's a you issue

My tags that I use are in the tags of this post.

[elavihere]

Sometimes I forget that I actually do like my job

I show up to work first time in a while, my work friend screams my name from excitement. Our residents come to tell me it's nice that I'm here again.

A long time resident starts talking about his obsessions, he looks at me like we're sharing an inside joke, smiles and says "it's always the same topics with me"

I play cards with a resident, I lose, she's very excited she won

A 50yo resident comes to talk to me about football like an excited child. He asks me if I'll work tomorrow.

Me and my coworkers take Christmas dinner leftovers from the kitchen and one of them compliments my socks.

There is Christmas chocolate in the break room, we immediately run over to take the ones we want like excited children.

My coworkers ask me out for a smoke, and when I say I don't have any with me, one of them insists on giving me one. The next time they're going out she gives me one automatically.

I'm giving out evening meds and a resident tells me his name in the exact way as always. I've known him for one and a half years. He sounds like a train conductor.

A shy resident talks to me excited how she can't wait to get to sleep because she's tired.

We give out gingerbread as a Christmas present. A resident is confused and asks if I'm sure it's for him. Another one thanks me like I saved her firstborn.

I compliment a necklace a resident has. She tells me very excited that it's a family heirloom.

We sit down to wait for the night shift, and bond over how bad movies based on books are.

The night shift asks me if I stole my grandpas cane, I tell him it's mine and he acts like a worried father until I leave

I feel wanted and helpful, and I missed going to work more

[elavihere]

Spring sun and the mosaic

I always thought it would be a sudden and agressive happiness

That one moment I would finally be happy

But it's not

I always lived in big moments of emotion with hollow nothing in the middle and I thought being happy would be those spikes

I chased those spikes of ecstasy that were so few and far between

all my life was a hollow cry to the gods asking what I've done wrong for happiness to ellude me

But I know it was for nothing

Because happiness isn't the big moments

I still remember the day I knew i was truly happy for the first time

I still remember the soft light from the window

I remember you sleeping there next to me on that ratty mattress at my mom's house

I remember how your hair was like pure white gold in the sunlight

I remember how you still were holding on to my hand even in your sleep

And I remember the sudden realization that I was happy

Not in the way I had been before, in those moments of agressive avoidance

There was nothing distracting me from reality

This happiness wasn't just a plaster on an unhappy soul

It wasn't gained from finally gaining distraction from reality for even just a happy moment

It was reality

That moment was like seeing the spring sun finally shine through the clouds after a long and dark winter I never thought I'd escape

You held onto me like your life depended on it, refusing to let go for even a moment

You looked at me like I am the most beautiful thing you've seen

Me, the broken mangled thing masquerading as a human

And you loved me, not for what I could be when I am fixed again, but you loved me like I was

You looked at all the broken pieces of my existence and saw beauty in them

And I saw you

You were not perfect

You in your unending beauty was still broken

But the broken parts of us had fallen together like the most gorgeous of mosaics

The shards of colorful glass of me that I had wielded like a weapon for years fell in place

In that moment I saw the sun shine through the mosaic we made for ourselves

The colors of light through what used to be sharp glass tinted with pain now danced around me

And every color was a feeling of promise, love and safety

And I was happy

And I had been happy for a while already

I cried that day while you were still asleep next to me

I cried because I knew that the fight was over

Because in that moment I loved so deep and I was loved

And for the first time I knew it was real

I had no fear of it ending

Now years later I wake up in our apartment

In the life we've carved for ourselves

And you're still here

Your hair is still the same beautiful gold of that spring day

You still look at me with the same love and hold me with the same strength

And every day I am happy

In the quiet, kind, true way