#eleanor rambles

[eleanornicholemiller]

“It’s gonna take so long to get back into our school routines on Monday.”

“I really should clean out my locker and bring hand sanitizer to every classroom so that my whole family doesn’t end up sick AGAIN.”

“Brittany bought a new shirt while she was sick and I am SO MAD at her. We agreed no impulsive purchases while she’s delirious.” 🙄

[exyrpf]

 a series i like to call ‘what the shit did my 4 year old son do to my youtube algorithm’

[eleanorblue]

Pleasant reminder to myself that I can log out of Twitter at ANY TIME for free!

[exyrpf]

absolutely incredible things to happen this week include:

- my aunt passing away

- the entire family beside myself getting sick (including the in laws)

- the son being ill and therefore extra prone to meltdowns because he feels poorly (bless his lil heart) and me being the only one that can help because everyone available to help is sick

- the council deciding that they weren’t done fucking us over after our £1.3k pound bill and adding £50 to our monthly bill

- benefits going down by like, £80 this month

- fun energy shortage in the UK immenent <3 yay

- having to push back the trip to see my family three months even though i haven’t been back to the states since 2015 and therefore haven’t seen most of my family in six years

- idk i’m sure something else will happen in an hour but jfc

[exyrpf]

Sure logically how my hair is today is more historically accurate but have u considered the fact that when I wake up my aim is to look like a poodle

[eleanorblue]

Well, my relationship of three years just ended.

It was my first and only relationship ever. I spent half of my adult life thus far and one sixth of my entire life with this person. The relationship wasn’t toxic. There were parts that were unhealthy and not great, but parts that were really good. But...we are very fundamentally different people and we want very different things in life. With me leaving the city within the year to go to grad school, we had to reevaluate.

So we broke up. It was a mutual decision. We’re still friends (for now, this is all very recent) and we still care deeply for each other. I THINK it was the right decision...but maybe it wasn’t. Maybe we’ll realize we’ve made a huge mistake. Maybe we’ll move on with our lives and fall out of touch. Maybe...I don’t know.

For now it just hurts. I have a LOT of feelings—sadness, worry, relief, loneliness—and I’m tired. I think I’ll go to bed.

[eleanorblue]

We saw Kinky Boots last week, and friends, never in my life have I cried that hard during a musical.

Spoilers for Kinky Boots, Derry Girls, Stranger Things, and, uh, Pokémon Violet?

We bought the tickets like three months ago, and then three days before the show I suddenly thought “Hm, isn’t there a part where Lola sings to her dying estranged father?“

I looked it up, and there is in fact that part! Not only that, Charlie’s dad dies in like the first five minutes and one of the themes of the musical is Charlie filling his dad’s shoes (lol) and trying to make him proud/do what he wants with his life/be like him/not be like him.

“Gee,” I thought. “Better warn my brother. That might bring up some stuff.” But the tickets were expensive, particularly for a regional theatre, so off we went anyway.

So we got through most of the musical, and I was enjoying it (great show!), and I was a little on edge due to all the Dad™️ stuff but it was okay, and I knew we were coming to the Hard Part…and then LAUREN came out and started talking about how she felt when her dad died, and all I could think was “Jesus Christ, is everyone’s dad in this show dead??” That’s about when I started crying.

Right after that seen is Lola’s song to her estranged dad. If you don’t know it, it’s called “Hold Me In Your Heart” and it’s essentially about loving a difficult parent despite their flaws and needing them to love you too. I’d look it up. It’s worth a listen.

So Lola sang her song, and I actually full-out cried through it (I tried to be quiet, but I’m sure the people behind me noticed and goodness knows what they thought was wrong with me). Then a light came up on her dad sitting in a wheelchair, pretty zoned out. Lola walked over to him, says “It was good to see you, Daddy,” and put her hand on his shoulder. He didn’t say anything, didn’t really react, but then his hand came up to cover hers.

Lola visibly choked up, said “I love you,” and then left.

My brother and I didn’t, like, perform a drag show for our dying estranged dad. But, uh, the non-responsiveness? The hand coming up? THAT WAS KINDA LIKE WATCHING OUR GOODBYE WITH OUR DAD ONSTAGE.

So I was pretty much gone, and couldn’t really enjoy the finale.

My brother was…okay. He handled it better than I did, and he squeezed my hand throughout the entire scene. We react to different things.

The show was fantastic, by the way. Excellent cast. Lauren was amazing. I wish I had a recording of her song. It just so happened to be deeply personally triggering for me!

I feel like media is full of dead dads lately. I watched Season 3 of Derry Girls? SURPRISE, A DAD DIES! I played Pokémon Violet, a children’s game? SURPRISE, THE ESTRANGED DAD IS ACTUALLY DEAD! I got caught up on Seasons 3 and 4 of Stranger Things? SURPRISE HOPPER IS DEAD* AND OH LOOK ELEVEN FOUND A LETTER HE WROTE FOR HER BEFORE HE DIED! I went to see Kinky Boots! SURPRISE, EVERYONE’S DAD IS DEAD OR DYING!

Or maybe it’s just the frequency illusion. I think about dead dads (well, really one specific dead dad) a lot, I notice dead dads more.

There’s not really a point to this wall of text. Kinky Boots is a great show. Grief is weird. I should maybe avoid musicals with estranged-dead-dad-goodbye scenes.

Which is too bad, as I’d really like to see Fun Home.

*yes I know he's not dead that's not the point

[eleanorblue]

I think I just discovered a HORRIBLE but also very helpful brain hack for myself.

I have a terrible bad habit of putting off things that give me anxiety. It’s bad! Do not do this! And the things are often incredibly simple—make this phone call, fill out that form, complete that assignment—but I get so in my head that then I can’t function and then it’s delayed and that makes the problem so much worse!

So I do other things to procrastinate on doing the Anxiety Thing and then I get super productive!

It’s the end of the semester and I have a bunch of papers due. I also ran into an old acquaintance recently and we are trying to make plans to get dinner. This text conversation is giving me an UNHOLY amount of anxiety. I cannot seem to formulate responses without help from Another Adult.

And I have been SO PRODUCTIVE on my things for school in my avoidance of JUST ANSWERING THIS VERY SWEET GIRL WHO COULD MAYBE BE MY FRIEND.

Brainhack?