#elemental-desire

[elemental-desire]

"the only people who care about how useful you are, are people who want to use you"

lessons on self worth

[elemental-desire]

just like a lightning strike she was brilliant

luminous to those around her

fierce

she scorched the ground she ran with her intensity

and just like a tornado she had the strength to uproot anything in her path

and the will to bend even the tallest evergreen to her feet

just like the rain she was raging

soft

uncontrollable

quiet

she was everything you wanted her to be,

everything you didnt

all at once

and just as she came rolling in she left silently in the wake of her chaos

so she leaves you with nothing

but the beautiful mess she made

and her wild wanderess memory

-not your storm to chase

[elemental-desire]

people that have helped me grow a lot i love you all 🖤

[elemental-desire]

your local dive bar loves you 🖤

[elemental-desire]

bringer of chaos

[elemental-desire]

i want to be the me thats lovable

not lovable on your terms but on mine

lovable for who i am

and im trying so hard to get help

i can feel myself wanting to split

scream and say i hate you

i can feel the difference between what i perceive and whats real

but i dont know how to stop myself from doing the things i hate

i cant rationalize

i cant feel anything other than the extremes

im so sorry for what ill do to you

the statistics dont lie

[elemental-desire]

the last poem ill write about you i promise

closure is a bitter pill to swallow

and at times like these it feels like brutal defeat

i always assumed we would go down in burning flames

but you tell me you are afraid and i cant spare the energy to be angry with you anymore

because your eyes tell me this is the most genuine moment we have shared

with each word i expect retaliation, a snide remark

but all you do is apologize

and you dont even beg for the forgiveness i always thought id be demanding from you

and i think maybe thats why i know i can trust you in this moment

your apology is your closure

to make amends with me is to maybe make peace with your god and whatever fate youve chosen fighting a war

looking for a purpose that isnt your own

because maybe you have none

and your salvation isnt here with me

your salvation will be begging for mercy from your enemies on the frontlines

who have just as much purpose as you

and i think you still want to die

but the older you get the more the cowardice seeps in and you cannot just want to die anymore

you need a reason

you make yourself miserable

but these days you cant even get high enough to make sense of the questions you have for your sober self

we are here because you are afraid

and im not here to help you anymore

i realize in this moment that my closure was never finally screaming back at you while you screamed in my face

or having the upper hand

because neither of us ever did

my closure is seeing you exactly how i found you

exactly how you see yourself now

vulnerable

confused

afraid

i think thats why i dont need to watch us destroy and rebuild and blow up all over again to feel okay

i see we have come full circle

you may not see every ounce of pain you caused but you feel it every time you think of me

you understand what you did

and who you were scares you

that is all i needed to know

[elemental-desire]

ive been trying to piece together parts of me that i dont really understand

that ive never understood

the parts of me not even i know

the parts of me you suffocated into nothingness

the parts of me deprived of oxygen for so long they shrank into the shroud of self consciousness i cloak myself in